Happy Birthday

Today is the anniversary of Tom's birth.  Tomorrow I will go to put flowers at his grave-site at Fort Snelling to commemorate his birth.  It is interesting.  Every year, until now I have been quite sad on Tom's birth day and today I am here, just here.  I am grateful and always be grateful that he was on this earth.  I will miss him until the day I die.  He was my husband and my mate.   He is gone.

I am standing solidly on my feet - I am here on the planet - I am ready for new adventures. 

Happy Birthday Tom - RIP - I know you would be so proud of me today if you could see the life I have forged from loss.  Namaste.

I'm Ready.....

Rest and Relaxation

I am in the midst of taking a few days off - it has been a long, long time since I have taken time just for me.  My time off started yesterday and I will go back to work next Tuesday - not a long time but enough.  I rarely take a work break without going to my mother's or going on some other family related trip.  That is not bad, I am blessed to have family that love me and I am blessed to still have my mom on the planet.   However, time just for me - that is a luxury.  I know that sounds weird when I live by myself and do have solitary time but time without responsibilities and strategies and finance and leadership and busyness that has been in short supply.  My current contract is over the end of June and then I will take a much longer break but for now - I treasure this time.

Yesterday I hung out, ran errands, purchased a  new mattress for my bed - more on THAT later and went to bed early.  Lately, I have been feeling like I "hit the wall" and no matter how much sleep I get I am still tired before the end of the day.  No wonder!   I have spent the last nearly 14 months working in organizations in crisis whose missions are to work with families in crisis.  As I have said, "this is my shelter period."  That in itself can be draining and while leadership transitions are rewarding they are always challenging.   

So, here I am recharging my batteries.  Today, I cleaned and organized some closets that have been bugging me; I filled two large bags with donation items; I worked on my outdoor garden project and pulled weeds in the flower beds and now I am getting ready to go to New Beginnings for a four-hour Spa experience.

I have been outside taking Spring photos and will post pics and other things later.  Rest and relaxation - walking, journaling, gardening, organizing, napping, reflecting and just having a darn good time.   I think there is an art project embedded in here somewhere too.   More to come.........................

Moving......

Yes, we moved our office this week to this beautiful Cass Gilbert building downtown St. Paul a few yards from Mears Park in Lowertown.

The photo is the front entry of the Gilbert Building, my office is the far left corner window on the fourth floor.  It is so wonderful to be in this building to have windows and a private office.  We loved our former office - we were in that building for seven years - now we are moving not just to new physical space but to a new developmental stage of our business and our partnership.

I expect to meet new people  and I am ready.  I am joining the YMCA, which is a half block a way and on the skyway - it is newly remodeled and has a pool and lots of cool classes.   The park is steps away from the front door for a quick walk or a picnic lunch.  There are lots of downtown restaurants, places to walk, and a larger, more lively neighborhood.  I am ready for new friendships, new experiences and yes, some male companionship.  It will all unfold as it is supposed to.

This is a photo of Mears Park - lovely isn't it?  It has a stream running through it and there is lots of music and art and other fun things happening in this little urban park.  Our move is a transformation of light and space.  Our former office did not have windows to the outside - it was in another old historic building with a "mall" type feel with windows out into only the interior hallway.  Now natural light floods the space - my business partner's office is next door to mine (the next big window to the right.)  The front of the office is also all glass and the center conference room is glass on both ends.  It has a full kitchen with a neat breakfast bar and even a dishwasher.  I will take photos to post soon.

J and I both feel the new space is going to bring new edges, new people, new energy, new business and new beginnings to us personally and professionally.  Here's to new things in the air.

I am taking some time off work too!!  Next week - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday with the weekend in between.  I don't know what I am going to do but one thing I am NOT going to do is work!  I need some downtime.  I need some time to walk, to write, to reflect, to do a spa day, to do whatever I want.

Happy Sunday - it is a beautiful day in my backyard.  More to come................

Time for Outdoor Living

I spent most of the weekend working in the yard.  Things are greening up quite nicely - the chives are up, the daffodils are blooming and the outdoor furniture is out from under their winter covers.

It is time to begin thinking about grilled asparagus, outdoor dining and just plain enjoying the being outside again.

I am doing something new with the outdoor dining area - more to come as the project moves forward.  Gotta love these four seasons.

My Tattoo Experience

Many who know me well are aware that I have been talking about getting a tattoo for 4-plus years.  Intuitively I knew that it would become apparent when the time was right.  The tattoo was to be symbolic of Tom's spirit and my transformed life.  That's right - no tattoo until I was in my new life.

When I first contemplated the tattoo I thought it would be on my back, then I thought of it as being on my left shoulder.  As it became increasingly clear that tattoo-time was arriving - I knew deep in my bones that I needed to have it somewhere on my body where I could see it.  The tattoo is for me, not for anyone else.  That is when I settled on my left wrist.

When Deb and I arrived at Acme Tattoo on Friday evening I was excited and could feel the adrenalin pumping.  Acme is a well-respected establishment and has a reputation for quality work.  I didn't make an appointment, even though I knew for two weeks that April 9th was T-Day.  I felt that when I walked in the right person would be there.   I was correct.  Beth was the right person to do this tattoo for me.  My friend Deb, who has tattoos herself, was my encouraging companion - she was right by my side.

In the past five years, the dragonfly has become an important symbol to me.  In the beginning of my grief journey I was sent the legend of the dragonfly and it made a big impression on me.  Here is the story:

There once were a bunch of grubs who lived in the bottom of an old pond.  Every once in awhile one of their number would climb up a stem and leave the pond - never to be seen again.  The grubs agreed that the next one of their members that left in that manner would come back and tell the group what happened to them.  One day, one of the grubs had an overwhelming urge to climb up a stem and go to the surface.  Once out of the water the grub found that he had been transformed into a beautiful dragonfly.  He flew over the pond again and again - he could see his friends in the water below but to no avail - they could not see the dragonfly.  Remember, just because people take the trip we call death doesn't mean they are gone forever.

Those we lose live in our hearts forever.

For the past three years I have worn a tiny gold and silver dragonfly pendant around my neck.  In the these years, the dragonfly has come to have deep meaning for me - especially renewal, hope, and the power of change.

So I did it!!  Here is to my new life rushing up to meet me.  Here is the visible symbol of the journey no one wants to take and most important here is to my life - bursting open before me.  Here's to the future, with all my heart and with deepest gratitude.

Here it Is!!!

I have a post to go with this photo. However, Blogger has other ideas this morning and I have to go to workout.  I will post more about this experience later today. 

Today is the Day

That's right blog buddies - tonight I am getting my tattoo.  I am excited and scared - and excited.  More to come....................

A sure sign of Spring

That's right one of the ways to know it is Spring and Summer at my house is that my bedroom changes from the deep burgundies, purple, and golds of the winter bed dressings to these light and airy cream and gold quilts and shams.

Today I worked in my home office and found some time to do a bit of spring cleaning in my room.

One nice thing about being back in my right (or left) or leftover mind is that I am actually remembering to do things on a timely basis. And so today when I changed the bed,  I realized the Cream and Gold Set was in a dry cleaner bag all done up and hanging in the downstairs closet.  Oh happy day.

Today it rained and rained - and we need it so badly.  April showers and all that jazz and my beautiful ready for summer bed.

I am on my way out to dinner with a girlfriend I have not seen for awhile.  A wonderful weekend is ahead.  Enjoy your Friday evening.

Reflections

Our weather is so amazing in Minnesota right now.  This is the first March in over 100 years with NO snow - that's right, no snow.  March is generally our second snowiest month - what a joy.

The loss of my friend Amy has really given me pause.  Back to the old question - what would you do if you knew you were going to die in 10 months?

There is part of me that says, "exactly what I am doing!"  There is another part that honestly doesn't know.  I am grateful that many years ago I had the courage to give up my "paycheck job."  I do love my work, my business partner, our networks and all we have built together.

For example, several years ago we put together our vision of what we intended to accomplish.  We did it in the form of a Mind Map, which is a graphic, intuitive way of planning, visioning, tasking, thinking, etc.  Today, we realized that in 7 years we have achieved most of our dreams and intentions.  Today, we agreed it is time to do a new Mind Map - a new vision.  Reaching for the future to make a difference in our world - that is a blessing.

Then I can't help but think about not working so hard and spending more time on a different kind of creative pursuit - write a book for instance.  Or, how about just waking up in the morning and not think about anything other than reading a book, taking a walk, going to the library, traveling to reconnect with friends, breaking out my art materials, volunteering as much as I want - going to the gym during the day.

I am not someone that has dreamed of "retiring" - once I took the leap from the paycheck to the entrepreneurial side of things I never looked back.  And one nice thing about our business - we are constantly looking to be relevant to community needs and are flexible never static.

On a happy note, I have been able to work in the yard the last couple of nights - raking and cleaning and looking forward to planting those pansies this weekend.  I broke out all the deck furniture and have a plan in mind to change the backyard for the outdoor dining table and chairs.  As those of us who have suffered great loss know, life goes on - life goes on.

Om Shanti.

Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

I am having a difficult time this weekend with the loss of Amy.  It is so unfair - I know Dad,  "who ever said it was supposed to fair!"

Death is so final.  Last night I went to GROWW (the online support group that saved my sanity early in the grief trip).  Towards the end of the time I was online - there were just a handful of us there who knew and loved Amy so much.  It was a wonderful little time of sharing our remembrances,  laughing about the bzillions of funny things Amy did and said.  She was irrepressible.  There were times you wanted to bean her because she didn't meet a silent moment that she liked.  And yet, her heart was big as the sky.

One weekend, Amy and I went shopping and I needed to replace my black easy spirit oxford style lace up shoes.  I loved those shoes because I could wear them with pants to work and they looked professional and were comfy.  So, here we are in DSW and I am looking for a pair close to the oldies.  Well, Amy was incensed.  "Why would you want to have the same pair?" she demanded.  "Step on out, do something different, you're young, don't be stuck in a rut," now she was wheedling.

That day, I purchased a cool pair of European designed lace up shoes that I still love and wear with pants in the winter.  Every time I put them on I think about not "being in a rut" and having a loving friend like Tigger.

My heart is broken open for Amy's husband and their 7 children - especially their little 8-year old son.  Amy and her husband both had been widowed and found one another on a widowed website.  Amy always called him "her boyfriend" and it was obvious that they were indeed deeply in love.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.   I know, I know if we find the next love, there is always the chance to experience widowhood again - but my god, Amy was only 47!!!  They already did it!

Amy's cancer was diagnosed in early June 2009.  This brings to mind the old thing ---- what would I do if I knew I would be dead in less than a year?   Amy's passing brings forth once again the randomness of life.  Think you're in charge????   HA!  Think again.

I want to cook and yet I can't get myself motivated.  I want to work on my art project and again I can't get it together to set up the art table.   I am still in my black nightie and short robe.  I am watching (with half an eye) Ken Burns' PBS documentary about the history of Feminism.  How fortunate we are that those strong women stood up - we stand on their shoulders.

I went to workout yesterday and had a good training session.  I met Darrin at the duplex and made plans for the spring clean-up, I took my friend Phil to the airport when his cab didn't show up.  I did my housework.  And yet, I feel like I have wandered aimlessly through this weekend - wandering and wondering - and asking that unanswerable question - WHY? 

It is a beautiful day here.  I have been outside in the backyard a bit - we not yet ready for prime time yard work.  Next weekend we shall have pansies!!!!!!

I am wandering aimlessly through this weekend.   If you read to the end of this post - thanks.

Memory Eternal

I just found out that my friend Amy passed away tonight.  Please keep John and all the children in your thoughts and prayers.

Amy was a warrior and one of the funniest women on this planet.  She helped so many through their grief journey.   Her screen name on the grief site was Tigger and that was so apt.  She would hug you and give you a swift kick when you needed one - all delivered with a smile, a hug and real care.  

Always in our hearts - never to be forgotten.   ((((Amy)))))

Finally!

For the past few years I have been planning to get a tattoo.  The tattoo is to mark a rite of passage in my grief journey.  I told myself that I wouldn't do this until I was sure that I was back in my body and in my right mind.  So, here I am back in my body and future focused. 

The tattoo I am planning is a dragonfly.  In Native American culture dragonflies symbolize renewal and of course, I love the legend of the dragonfly, which is about the spirit of our lost loves still being with us after "that transformation humans call death." 

April 9th, my friend Deb and I are going to the tattoo place and I am going to get it done.  I have been looking at designs today.  Here is one I like:

I have thought so much about this and one big consideration is where to put it?  I thought I would have it in a place that was more "hidden" and now I have decided to put it on the top of my forearm just below my wrist.  It's my body and my tattoo. 

So here goes the next step on this journey.  Perhaps this sounds weird but for me it has been a long-time coming and I knew I would know when that day came.   It's here!!

What do you all think of this design????

Happy Spring

Hooray!  We made it through another winter.  Spring begins at 12:32 pm - 3 hours and 9 minutes from now.  I am so happy and look forward to digging in the dirt, blooming roses in the backyard and sitting on the patio with sun on my face. 

I have not been feeling too well this week and have been mucho busy with work and so am just taking it really slow this weekend.  I just finished cleaning the house and it looks so good.  Deb is coming at 2 pm to give me a massage.  I am reading a really interesting book:  Nudge - I started it late last night and immediately fell asleep however, I am looking forward to spending time reading it this morning.

The photo is one of the Parrot Tulips in a big jug on my dining room table - isn't nature incredible?  Natural art that takes your breath away. 
It has been in the sixties here in the Twin Cities (although it is cool today) - it has been glorious to walk outside without hat, scarf, gloves and being buttoned up in heavy coats.  Yes!!! 

I hope whatever you are doing today you are celebrating the arrival of Spring - the season of new beginnings. 

Rain and Things

It has rained here for the last few days.  We do not see a lot of rain in Minnesota - except the frozen or cold, fluffy kind.  I grew up in the west where we had rain - rain and rain and rain.  I have fond memories of being snug inside my cozy grade school classroom with with the smell of wet wool wafting from the coat room.  It felt so good to be where it was warm and lighted with the gray skies outside the window pouring rain.   Today felt like one of those days for me.  Of course I was working and not home in front of the fire with a mug of cocoa and good book - oh well.  It was comforting anyway and it is sooo much better than the white fluffy stuff that brings us those gross March snow storms.

I feel like I have turned a bit of a corner in my transition work with the current client.  That is so good to know in my bones.  It is not over by any means but some of the larger obstacles and angst in the organizational transition have begun to resolve themselves.  The client is extending my contract through May and so I will continue to be busy but not as crazy.

Can you please continue to remember my friend Amy in your prayers.  Amy was recently released from the hospital and now has hospice care at home.  She is an amazing woman - I met her in the early days of my widowed journey in a chatroom/support site for the widowed.  Amy had been widowed many years before and met her current husband on the widowed site (yes, he too was widowed).  They are wonderful people and have 7 children between them including a seven year old.  Please send golden light, prayers, and all good thoughts to their family.  Amy lives here in Minnesota - she was one of those that gave me hope that there was a new life out there - it was just out of sight right then.

I hope everyone is looking forward to a relaxing and enjoyable weekend.  I will try to be more faithful again in my blogging.  Now, off to push-ups.  YES, one of my 2010 Intentions - at least 25 push-ups 5 days a week.  Take care.