Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

I am having a difficult time this weekend with the loss of Amy.  It is so unfair - I know Dad,  "who ever said it was supposed to fair!"

Death is so final.  Last night I went to GROWW (the online support group that saved my sanity early in the grief trip).  Towards the end of the time I was online - there were just a handful of us there who knew and loved Amy so much.  It was a wonderful little time of sharing our remembrances,  laughing about the bzillions of funny things Amy did and said.  She was irrepressible.  There were times you wanted to bean her because she didn't meet a silent moment that she liked.  And yet, her heart was big as the sky.

One weekend, Amy and I went shopping and I needed to replace my black easy spirit oxford style lace up shoes.  I loved those shoes because I could wear them with pants to work and they looked professional and were comfy.  So, here we are in DSW and I am looking for a pair close to the oldies.  Well, Amy was incensed.  "Why would you want to have the same pair?" she demanded.  "Step on out, do something different, you're young, don't be stuck in a rut," now she was wheedling.

That day, I purchased a cool pair of European designed lace up shoes that I still love and wear with pants in the winter.  Every time I put them on I think about not "being in a rut" and having a loving friend like Tigger.

My heart is broken open for Amy's husband and their 7 children - especially their little 8-year old son.  Amy and her husband both had been widowed and found one another on a widowed website.  Amy always called him "her boyfriend" and it was obvious that they were indeed deeply in love.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.   I know, I know if we find the next love, there is always the chance to experience widowhood again - but my god, Amy was only 47!!!  They already did it!

Amy's cancer was diagnosed in early June 2009.  This brings to mind the old thing ---- what would I do if I knew I would be dead in less than a year?   Amy's passing brings forth once again the randomness of life.  Think you're in charge????   HA!  Think again.

I want to cook and yet I can't get myself motivated.  I want to work on my art project and again I can't get it together to set up the art table.   I am still in my black nightie and short robe.  I am watching (with half an eye) Ken Burns' PBS documentary about the history of Feminism.  How fortunate we are that those strong women stood up - we stand on their shoulders.

I went to workout yesterday and had a good training session.  I met Darrin at the duplex and made plans for the spring clean-up, I took my friend Phil to the airport when his cab didn't show up.  I did my housework.  And yet, I feel like I have wandered aimlessly through this weekend - wandering and wondering - and asking that unanswerable question - WHY? 

It is a beautiful day here.  I have been outside in the backyard a bit - we not yet ready for prime time yard work.  Next weekend we shall have pansies!!!!!!

I am wandering aimlessly through this weekend.   If you read to the end of this post - thanks.

Listening to the Still Small Voice

"How do geese know when to fly to the sun? Who tells them the seasons? How do we, humans know when it is time to move on? As with the migrant birds, so surely with us, there is a voice within if only we would listen to it, that tells us certainly when to go forth into the unknown."

~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

At Last - Such a Blessing

After a year of attending services, volunteering my time, making new friends, taking the orientation classes and searching for a spiritual home - yesterday I made the commitment and signed the membership book at Unity Unitarian Church in St. Paul. I am so happy. I am now officially a part of the community of those who are living their values through commitment to social justice and living a spirit-filled life.

This spiritual home is filled with music, with devotion to families and with laughter and community-building. I am blessed today as I begin my life as a full member of this very special community.

It is a beautiful, sunny day here. I have music playing and am preparing to go out to "dig in the dirt" and get those veggies planted. My heart to yours - much more to come.

We Are One People

Filmmaker Mark Johnson traveled around the globe getting street musicians and others to record part of the track for Stand By Me. Using battery powered equipment and a pocket full of Frequent Flier miles he got tracks from dozens of performers. Each one was able to wear headphones and hear what the other performers had done.

Shining

That is what one spirit visitor said during my session with the Soul Reader. Here is just a little snippet of the messages for me on my birthday.

It has been so hard. You have been in a small, dark space and have walked through the mountain and now you shine. Just shining! I SEE you. I didn't see you before in this way. I don't think you did either. But you SHINE.

Keep going, keep going into the great wide open - with open heart, open mind, open eyes. You are shining. I love you.

The future is ahead - it is shining.

Inspiration

I do not know where I found this quote - it has been in my computer files for a couple of years and I ran across it on Saturday. It is my guiding light at this time. I hope you enjoy it - if anyone knows from whence it came, please let me know.

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Pack nothing. Bring only your determination to serve and your willingness to be free. Don’t wait for the bread to rise. Take nourishment for the journey, but eat standing, be ready to move at a moment’s notice.

Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind - fear silence and submission. Only surrender to the need of the time to love justice and walk humbly with your God.
Begin quickly, before you have time to sink back into old slavery. Set out in the dark. I will send fire to warm and encourage you. I will be with you in the fire and I will be with you in the cloud.

I will give you dreams in the desert to guide you safely home to that place you have not yet seen….I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way and to learn my ways more deeply.

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time. Some of you will not change at all.

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth and feel abandoned by you. Some will find new friendship in unlikely faces, and old friends as faithful, and true as the pillar of God’s flame.

Sing songs as you go, and hold close together. You may at times grow confused and lose your way….touch each other and keep telling the stories. Make maps as you go, remembering the way back from before you were born.

So you will be only the first of many waves of deliverance on these desert seas. It is the first of many beginnings, your Paschaltide.

Remain true to this mystery. Pass on the whole story….Do not go back. I am with you now and I am waiting for you.

Memories and the Mystery

This weekend I went through the very last drawer of Tom's - it was the top right-hand drawer where he kept his treasures and keepsakes. It is the drawer where I added his jewelry box, change caddy, cuff link holder and other such "top of the dresser" items when he died.

It was its own journey - through his life, through our life, through joy, through loss, through love.

What did I find? A school picture in a frame of Tom in the third grade - still the same smile. The velvet box that held his wedding ring - how he loved that ring, it was a circa 1880's antique, made of rose gold. There were pictures of our grandchildren; gold collar pins in special little boxes; his airforce identification card from 1961; the appraisal from the three-stone ring he gave me for Valentine's Day in 2004 - quite the surprise.

So many things both large and small. The essence of Tom. How careful he was with all his things. How he treasured cards and little momentos that Olivia, our eldest grandchild, made and sent to the grandpa she adored.

One day we are here - the next, we are not. What do material things mean? That has made an indelible mark upon me - things are stuff - pretty meaningless.

Holding those treasures in my hands brought what has meaning for me - love, memories, spirit, connectedness, family, friends, the great mystery, the Now.

My jewelry is now in the drawer - the dresser is neat and organized - just the way Tom liked it, me too.