Sunday, March 28, 2010

Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

I am having a difficult time this weekend with the loss of Amy.  It is so unfair - I know Dad,  "who ever said it was supposed to fair!"

Death is so final.  Last night I went to GROWW (the online support group that saved my sanity early in the grief trip).  Towards the end of the time I was online - there were just a handful of us there who knew and loved Amy so much.  It was a wonderful little time of sharing our remembrances,  laughing about the bzillions of funny things Amy did and said.  She was irrepressible.  There were times you wanted to bean her because she didn't meet a silent moment that she liked.  And yet, her heart was big as the sky.

One weekend, Amy and I went shopping and I needed to replace my black easy spirit oxford style lace up shoes.  I loved those shoes because I could wear them with pants to work and they looked professional and were comfy.  So, here we are in DSW and I am looking for a pair close to the oldies.  Well, Amy was incensed.  "Why would you want to have the same pair?" she demanded.  "Step on out, do something different, you're young, don't be stuck in a rut," now she was wheedling.

That day, I purchased a cool pair of European designed lace up shoes that I still love and wear with pants in the winter.  Every time I put them on I think about not "being in a rut" and having a loving friend like Tigger.

My heart is broken open for Amy's husband and their 7 children - especially their little 8-year old son.  Amy and her husband both had been widowed and found one another on a widowed website.  Amy always called him "her boyfriend" and it was obvious that they were indeed deeply in love.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.   I know, I know if we find the next love, there is always the chance to experience widowhood again - but my god, Amy was only 47!!!  They already did it!

Amy's cancer was diagnosed in early June 2009.  This brings to mind the old thing ---- what would I do if I knew I would be dead in less than a year?   Amy's passing brings forth once again the randomness of life.  Think you're in charge????   HA!  Think again.

I want to cook and yet I can't get myself motivated.  I want to work on my art project and again I can't get it together to set up the art table.   I am still in my black nightie and short robe.  I am watching (with half an eye) Ken Burns' PBS documentary about the history of Feminism.  How fortunate we are that those strong women stood up - we stand on their shoulders.

I went to workout yesterday and had a good training session.  I met Darrin at the duplex and made plans for the spring clean-up, I took my friend Phil to the airport when his cab didn't show up.  I did my housework.  And yet, I feel like I have wandered aimlessly through this weekend - wandering and wondering - and asking that unanswerable question - WHY? 

It is a beautiful day here.  I have been outside in the backyard a bit - we not yet ready for prime time yard work.  Next weekend we shall have pansies!!!!!!

I am wandering aimlessly through this weekend.   If you read to the end of this post - thanks.


  1. Sorry about the loss of your friend. We all die sometime but she definitely had more than her share of grief and then died too soon. There is no explaining such. Not much comfort in words either. *hugs*

  2. I'm so sorry.

    My online widow support group has lost a few members over the last couple years as well. It really shakes us. Haven't we endured enough? We have to get cancer, too? Haven't our kids endured enough? They have to lose their both parents?

    No answers or attempts at consolation here. Just prayers.

  3. Wandering, looking, seeking,wondering, searching for the answer to the question why. Feeling aimless perhaps because there is never an adequate answer to such a question. If any answer at all. Sending you positive energy and prayers as you mourn your friend.