Sunday, May 15, 2011

Leading with My Heart

I don't often write about the guy - he is very special to me. I have been struggling inside - where is this relationship headed? What does this mean - are we two single people hanging out until the next step comes along in life? Are we two single people standing together seeing if we can become a couple - in it for the long haul? What does the future hold?

We have very similar values in most areas of our lives. We both come from a very liberal perspective about the world. We walk and talk. We hold hands and hug. We laugh - oh, how we laugh. We love to snuggle and stay in bed on Sunday morning with coffee and the newspaper. We smooch. We watch movies in bed with popcorn and red wine. We dog walk and talk about the future. Things that both of us love - gardens, canning, flowers, growing tomatoes and green beans, fresh baked bread and cottages.

We generally do not see one another during the week due to work but we talk on the phone and text many, many times each day.

We have now been seeing one another for 9 months. At times, I feel like I run forward and then run back. I want to have a future that includes him and then I am unsure of it all - including how he feels and how I feel.

Here in the burgeoning springtime with my birthday just ahead - this morning I finally asked - "are we 2 single people hanging out or are we 2 single people being here to see if there is a committed couple emerging from this relationship."

We are stepping forward to see what commitment the next months bring - leading with one's heart is so frightening - leading with one's heart takes courage - leading with one's heart means you are true to yourself - I am glad I led with my heart this morning. Namaste.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

The Grief Project

Please visit our new website. The Grief Project. It is the dream of my heart and now it lives. I have walked with other widowed people for the last several years, it is my new life's work. This project is the formal part of that work. A call to action for those who wish to help. A safe place for those in pain. Please visit the website and let me know what you think.

Tonight I am in bed writing this on my IPad. I am having a bit of trouble sleeping. Tonight I miss Tom with an intensity that I have not felt in a long time. Tears. Longing. Anger that he is gone. Wishing for a life that vanished so long ago. Wishing for my husband who loved me to the bottom of his heart and told me so daily. Wishing for his shoulder to lay my head on, wishing for his hand to hold, wishing for his gentleness, his easy manner, his unconditional love. Even after six and a half years my pillow is wet with tears. I miss you honey - I miss you.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Reflections on the Eve of a Launching a Dream

This week is a tornado of activity - my work is very complex, this is the part of leadership transition that is the most chaotic - it is a critical time of engagement with the board, staff and community and it is a time to collect a great deal of data as part of a deep organizational assessment. This week is also the week that I have been preparing to launch The Grief Project website. This is the project I have mentioned over the years - it is a project that has captured my heart and soul. I have dreamed it and worked on it since 2005 - every so often putting it temporarily on hold while I honored my own journey and healed.

My work with organizations used to be my life's work - now it is the work I enjoy, but it has become the thing I do to fund and fuel the my new life's work - companioning the bereaved. What a blessing.

This week, as I have worked early, early in the morning and late into the night - with client work in between - Tom has been very present. I have driven by the old familiar places and a couple of times I have felt that old, old tug in my heart. Tears in eyes and longing in my heart, a frequent refrain the last few days.

Last weekend was Tom's birthday. For the first time, my guy and I went to the cemetery together. He helped me to select flowers and drove me to Fort Snelling. It was an amazing experience. At one point I turned around and he had tears in his eyes as did I. He knows - he will long for his late wife until the end of his own days. Joy and Sorrow. Life.

I feel so fortunate to have walked the deepest, darkest path through the arid desert and burning hell of the grief journey. I feel so fortunate to have this relationship with a man who has walked his own painful road. Here we are - survivors - standing in the light - walking hand in hand and taking it a step at a time. Laughing, playing, sharing tender moments, looking forward - just being, being together in the moment.

What an appropriate thing tonight - to honor Tom and know that this new project will make a difference to so many. Thank you Tom for all you gave to me - thank you for watching as this dream comes true. Thank you Spirit - blessings abound.