Thursday, May 31, 2012

Next Steps......

Letting go of illusions.  Living in the moment.  Letting go of what is so you can have what awaits.

Each January I record my intentions for the year on a large sheet of paper and affix it to my home office door.  I am able to see it many, many times a day.  This year it took me until early March to record my 2012 Intentions - here they are: 
  • Believe in Transformation
  • Seek to Understand 
  • Work Patiently and Persistently at All My Goals
  • Love the Now - Live in the Moment 
  • Remember: all is well in my world
When I began this intention practice it was January of the first full year of widowhood (2005).  My intentions were to remember to breathe, drink water, read, and walk.   Basic survival.   In 2010 and 2011, my foremost intention was to practice self-compassion.

As I look at my 2012 Intentions I see that I have been moving in the direction of moving on.   Seeking to understand was the intention that moved me here - I do understand.  I do believe in Transformation.  I am working patiently and persistently at my goals.  I am so much better at practicing self-compassion.

There is still more to do.....I am not in a huge hurry......I am going to Michigan for a week over July 4th to visit my Norwegian blog-brother, Tor.    I am feeling compelled to visit Sedona, Arizona - I don't know why but I think I will just buy a ticket and go for a long weekend one day soon.  I also need to go home - my Mom is not doing well and needs me to just be there for a bit.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into my future.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sad -------------

After nearly two years, it is clear to me that this relationship is not the lasting thing I thought was being built.  I can have a relationship, but on his terms and he seems stuck.  Stuck in the death of his wife nearly 15 years ago?  Stuck in his head?  Stuck - just stuck.  I have no idea what or where he is stuck - stuck he is.

I need more.  I need someone who is capable of having a deep relationship.  Someone who can move things to a new level over time.  I need someone who is able to express their feelings and someone who is able to give of themselves from their heart and accept in equal measure. 

I am very sad today.   This doesn't have to end.  I can still have this relationship as long as I have no expectations of next steps.  As long as I can just enjoy the laughter and companionship and not want any more than that.  As long as he never has to talk about his emotions or feelings.  That is not me.   The superficiality is making me crazy. 

I know it is possible to have a deep and mutually rewarding relationship.  I know that I have a lot to give.  I want to be able to share myself with another person - deeply, personally and generously.  And I want to have the same in return.

Or I can remain alone.  I have a wonderful life filled with things that I value and am surrounded by friends and family of choice that care deeply about me and I about them.

I see him quite clearly - he is a lovely person with such a big heart.  He is hurt inside and I cannot "make it better" - at this stage of my life I know you cannot "fix" another.   Does he love me?  Yes!  Is love enough?  Obviously not.  He has finally said that he does not have anything to give someone else.  It is not about me.  It is about him.

My heart is hurting today - it is a beautiful sunny day and I am just curled up alone - reflecting - doing a bit of crying - releasing the hurt and thinking about what I want.

Life is short -------------------- those are not just words.  I am strong.  I am joyful.  I am capable.  I am resilient.  I am creative.  I am giving.  I am generous of spirit.  I am ready to take the next steps into the unknown.   And yes, I am sad.  So much potential - so much love - not meant to be right now.

"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"