Sunday, March 28, 2010

Wandering Aimlessly Through this Weekend

I am having a difficult time this weekend with the loss of Amy.  It is so unfair - I know Dad,  "who ever said it was supposed to fair!"

Death is so final.  Last night I went to GROWW (the online support group that saved my sanity early in the grief trip).  Towards the end of the time I was online - there were just a handful of us there who knew and loved Amy so much.  It was a wonderful little time of sharing our remembrances,  laughing about the bzillions of funny things Amy did and said.  She was irrepressible.  There were times you wanted to bean her because she didn't meet a silent moment that she liked.  And yet, her heart was big as the sky.

One weekend, Amy and I went shopping and I needed to replace my black easy spirit oxford style lace up shoes.  I loved those shoes because I could wear them with pants to work and they looked professional and were comfy.  So, here we are in DSW and I am looking for a pair close to the oldies.  Well, Amy was incensed.  "Why would you want to have the same pair?" she demanded.  "Step on out, do something different, you're young, don't be stuck in a rut," now she was wheedling.

That day, I purchased a cool pair of European designed lace up shoes that I still love and wear with pants in the winter.  Every time I put them on I think about not "being in a rut" and having a loving friend like Tigger.

My heart is broken open for Amy's husband and their 7 children - especially their little 8-year old son.  Amy and her husband both had been widowed and found one another on a widowed website.  Amy always called him "her boyfriend" and it was obvious that they were indeed deeply in love.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers.   I know, I know if we find the next love, there is always the chance to experience widowhood again - but my god, Amy was only 47!!!  They already did it!

Amy's cancer was diagnosed in early June 2009.  This brings to mind the old thing ---- what would I do if I knew I would be dead in less than a year?   Amy's passing brings forth once again the randomness of life.  Think you're in charge????   HA!  Think again.

I want to cook and yet I can't get myself motivated.  I want to work on my art project and again I can't get it together to set up the art table.   I am still in my black nightie and short robe.  I am watching (with half an eye) Ken Burns' PBS documentary about the history of Feminism.  How fortunate we are that those strong women stood up - we stand on their shoulders.

I went to workout yesterday and had a good training session.  I met Darrin at the duplex and made plans for the spring clean-up, I took my friend Phil to the airport when his cab didn't show up.  I did my housework.  And yet, I feel like I have wandered aimlessly through this weekend - wandering and wondering - and asking that unanswerable question - WHY? 

It is a beautiful day here.  I have been outside in the backyard a bit - we not yet ready for prime time yard work.  Next weekend we shall have pansies!!!!!!

I am wandering aimlessly through this weekend.   If you read to the end of this post - thanks.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Memory Eternal

I just found out that my friend Amy passed away tonight.  Please keep John and all the children in your thoughts and prayers.

Amy was a warrior and one of the funniest women on this planet.  She helped so many through their grief journey.   Her screen name on the grief site was Tigger and that was so apt.  She would hug you and give you a swift kick when you needed one - all delivered with a smile, a hug and real care.  

Always in our hearts - never to be forgotten.   ((((Amy)))))

Sunday, March 21, 2010


For the past few years I have been planning to get a tattoo.  The tattoo is to mark a rite of passage in my grief journey.  I told myself that I wouldn't do this until I was sure that I was back in my body and in my right mind.  So, here I am back in my body and future focused. 

The tattoo I am planning is a dragonfly.  In Native American culture dragonflies symbolize renewal and of course, I love the legend of the dragonfly, which is about the spirit of our lost loves still being with us after "that transformation humans call death." 

April 9th, my friend Deb and I are going to the tattoo place and I am going to get it done.  I have been looking at designs today.  Here is one I like:

I have thought so much about this and one big consideration is where to put it?  I thought I would have it in a place that was more "hidden" and now I have decided to put it on the top of my forearm just below my wrist.  It's my body and my tattoo. 

So here goes the next step on this journey.  Perhaps this sounds weird but for me it has been a long-time coming and I knew I would know when that day came.   It's here!!

What do you all think of this design????

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Happy Spring

Hooray!  We made it through another winter.  Spring begins at 12:32 pm - 3 hours and 9 minutes from now.  I am so happy and look forward to digging in the dirt, blooming roses in the backyard and sitting on the patio with sun on my face. 

I have not been feeling too well this week and have been mucho busy with work and so am just taking it really slow this weekend.  I just finished cleaning the house and it looks so good.  Deb is coming at 2 pm to give me a massage.  I am reading a really interesting book:  Nudge - I started it late last night and immediately fell asleep however, I am looking forward to spending time reading it this morning.

The photo is one of the Parrot Tulips in a big jug on my dining room table - isn't nature incredible?  Natural art that takes your breath away. 
It has been in the sixties here in the Twin Cities (although it is cool today) - it has been glorious to walk outside without hat, scarf, gloves and being buttoned up in heavy coats.  Yes!!! 

I hope whatever you are doing today you are celebrating the arrival of Spring - the season of new beginnings. 

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Rain and Things

It has rained here for the last few days.  We do not see a lot of rain in Minnesota - except the frozen or cold, fluffy kind.  I grew up in the west where we had rain - rain and rain and rain.  I have fond memories of being snug inside my cozy grade school classroom with with the smell of wet wool wafting from the coat room.  It felt so good to be where it was warm and lighted with the gray skies outside the window pouring rain.   Today felt like one of those days for me.  Of course I was working and not home in front of the fire with a mug of cocoa and good book - oh well.  It was comforting anyway and it is sooo much better than the white fluffy stuff that brings us those gross March snow storms.

I feel like I have turned a bit of a corner in my transition work with the current client.  That is so good to know in my bones.  It is not over by any means but some of the larger obstacles and angst in the organizational transition have begun to resolve themselves.  The client is extending my contract through May and so I will continue to be busy but not as crazy.

Can you please continue to remember my friend Amy in your prayers.  Amy was recently released from the hospital and now has hospice care at home.  She is an amazing woman - I met her in the early days of my widowed journey in a chatroom/support site for the widowed.  Amy had been widowed many years before and met her current husband on the widowed site (yes, he too was widowed).  They are wonderful people and have 7 children between them including a seven year old.  Please send golden light, prayers, and all good thoughts to their family.  Amy lives here in Minnesota - she was one of those that gave me hope that there was a new life out there - it was just out of sight right then.

I hope everyone is looking forward to a relaxing and enjoyable weekend.  I will try to be more faithful again in my blogging.  Now, off to push-ups.  YES, one of my 2010 Intentions - at least 25 push-ups 5 days a week.  Take care.