tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-137326352024-03-07T00:47:11.053-06:00journey to a new lifeEmbrace the MAGICSuzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.comBlogger616125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-47171994437081580892014-02-18T16:48:00.000-06:002014-02-18T16:56:22.253-06:00Off to California <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My mother continues her decline. She is still in the little home we purchased for her after the big house was sold. She is nearly totally blind now and does have help in the house five days a week. She has begun to fall quite regularly and you know there is nothing like denial. She is quite certain that the reason she is falling is because of the cat. </div>
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I believe it is only a matter of time until she falls and breaks a bone and then she will have to move. I talk with her every day and she has days where she is really here and she has days when she is not quite all here. But, we are grateful to have one another and I am grateful to still have her here on the planet. </div>
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This has been a really long and brutal winter in Minnesota - we usually have some thaws that reduce the amount of snow we have on the ground - not so this year. We have so much snow and it has been below zero so many days - setting records everywhere. </div>
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I look forward to going to Yountville. Excited to see my Mom and excited to see the green and feel the sun. Long walks by the vineyards are in my future.<br />
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The camellias will be in bloom and the mustard will be starting - golden carpets covering the vineyards. The photo above is Bistro Jeanty, which is just a couple of blocks from Mother's home. It is one of my favorite restaurants - a real French Bistro with yummy food and lovely ambiance. They serve an amazing lamb tongue salad, fried smelts, steak tartare and Mother's favorite cream of tomato soup in a sour dough bread bowl!!! I hope she feels like going out. She doesn't go out much anymore - if that is so, I will walk down and get food to go one evening. </div>
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I am working on my final clients before sabbatical. It is an exciting time of life. New adventures just ahead. Next post, my darling doggie, Sierra - the new love of my life. Take care darling friends....there is much more to come. </div>
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Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-74878051717774111922014-02-10T16:47:00.002-06:002014-02-10T16:49:14.249-06:00I'm Baaaaacccckkkk!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After a year of silence on this blog - I am back. This has been a pivotal year for me. The year ahead will be even more transformational!! I am going on sabbatical during 2014 and when I return I will no longer do much (if any) paid consulting work. </div>
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I hesitate to use the "R word" because retirement paints a picture in people's minds that doesn't feel like where I am headed. I have a new calling and it is beckoning me forward like nothing has in many years. It is another ministry of presence, like The Grief Project. It is too early to write about here - but this will be one of the first places I publicly share it with my friends and loved ones. </div>
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Of course, since I have been silent for this past year, there may not be anyone reading or caring about this miniscule corner of the Universe - so be it. </div>
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When I began this blog nearly nine years ago, I did from the indescribable black hole of recent widowhood. It NEVER occurred to me that anyone would read it, except for me. Through this blog so many blessings have flooded my life. Incredible support and learning. I have made new connections, soul brothers and sisters - family of choice for the rest of my life. So, here I am, back to the beginning - out of the black hole, walking in the light - making my dreams a reality. </div>
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Lots of adventures to share - lots of reflections to scribe - it feels good to be back. Peace and Grace.</div>
Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-32919674562059096752013-02-14T19:08:00.001-06:002013-02-14T19:08:06.005-06:00Guilty!!!I think this is the longest time I have gone without posting to this blog. After 7 years and another broken heart I suppose I needed a break. Funny that I should say ANOTHER broken heart, certainly the end of my relationship with Larry was not like the death of my husband but I can admit with a mended heart - that it HURT. I know, I know - I ended it - I knew it would hurt, and it did. One last L thing, I had no idea that I would never see him again - I thought we were friends - I thought we might have a time of estrangement - but I did not think I would never see him again. Oh well - another life lesson.<br />
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At times I think I should start another blog but I can't. This is the beginning place. This is the place where I poured out my heart and soul in the darkest days. This is the place where I made some of the dearest friends of my life - some of you I have never met in the 3D world and yet I love you with all my heart. <br />
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So - here I am - back on the planet - sending love and light and a promise to be here again. <br />
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-22063082800142717542012-11-14T13:49:00.001-06:002012-11-14T14:32:15.781-06:00Memories...............on Your Angel Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I shall remember the good times - I shall remember the feeling of your arms holding me - I shall remember the sound of your booming laugh - I shall remember your love and care - I shall remember that we loved and loved, through sickness and health - I shall remember cuddling in bed and dancing in the kitchen - I shall remember driving fast in the Porsche with the roof off, laughing - I shall remember that you always said you would marry from the first day we met - I shall always remember you. My darling, lover, my flyboy, my friend. <br />
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Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-50190021172390949322012-11-05T20:17:00.002-06:002012-11-05T20:18:27.854-06:00Grow Up Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My sister, Marilyn, and I. I have not seen my sister for somewhere around, ummmmm, 35 years. Yes, that's right, 35+ years. We will be together this week in Yountville. </div>
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Mother is walking her new path. We will be with her and with each other. Shanti.</div>
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-9014001584814640672012-11-04T19:11:00.001-06:002012-11-04T19:15:16.788-06:00NovemberThis is the month that brings so many memories. I am glad that we cannot see the future, no matter what we might wish in hindsight.<br />
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It is amazing to me that Tom has been dead for over 3,000 days. If he appeared before me today, he would not recognize my life, everything is different. Our home, the City of St. Paul, the little community where we live and most of all our country. Eight years on November 14th since he flew away. I miss him and I will always miss him.<br />
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My steady Eddy - my husband, my lover, my friend, my flyboy - I love you and never more than on these days of remembrance and love. <br />
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-84983688380611260902012-11-03T11:52:00.001-05:002012-11-03T17:50:00.267-05:00Humbled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I rarely have had any uncontrolled migraine episodes as I am able to control them using bio-feedback. I had one uncontollable episode in 1994 and one in 2011, in both instances a month on a beta-blocker and I was good to go. I am now beginning the third month and yes, my poor brain is tired.</div>
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And yet, I am so blessed. During this time, I have forgotten to pause and think about how grateful I am for so many things in my life. One huge gratitude: I had a Cranial MRI a week ago (the neuro doc just wanted a look to be sure) and it was "normal". That's a thing of beauty and something to be very thankful for -- headache, yes - strange things growing in brain, no! </div>
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I am grateful for my business partner, J, who after almost ten years <u>is</u> my family. Our values, our approach to work and life, our dreams for the future mesh so well. He is a joy and blessing to my life.</div>
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My circle of friends who I adore and who love me in return are so dear to me, thank you for unconditional love. My sister, Joan and the fact that we now live in the same city, only three blocks apart.</div>
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My home. My little townhouse with the big backyard, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">the vegetable gardens, the patio and deck for relaxing in the sun or eating an alfresco meal and the 100+ year old cottonwood tree that stands sentinel over all. How fortunate I am to live here - 18 years, the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life.</span></div>
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I am thankful for my little cat, Miss Kitty, purring right beside me as I write this - I love her. </div>
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The Grief Project, I am so grateful to be able to be a part of something that holds out the hand of hope and companionship to those who walk the difficult Widowed Road. </div>
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I have never really had health problems - a year or so ago the doctor thought I had a mild stroke, it turned out to be the migraine stuff not a stroke (I am grateful for that). I had surgery in 1995 but that was over in a heartbeat. Even with all the things that are going on now, I am fortunate to be as healthy and strong as I am. I am grateful for my health and for this physical body that has carried me and continues to carry me these many miles. </div>
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I am a blessed woman and I am humbled at how much love I have in my life. Remembering today to express my gratitude makes me ever more grateful for life. </div>
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-14205956232804020472012-10-01T17:01:00.000-05:002012-11-03T11:56:14.460-05:00Life Goes On.........<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The past two months have been amazing. Hurtful at times and joyful at times - isn't that life as it is? I have reorganized my house - rearranged the living room furniture - packed all the guy's things that had accumulated over the past two years - organized my studio for easier writing, painting, collage, and other creative endeavors and just plain tried to redesign my life for the road ahead. </div>
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Two weeks ago I went on a solitary, spiritual retreat in a rural retreat center northwest of the Twin Cities. I was there Wednesday through Sunday - silent and solitary in a small hermitage in the middle of a great pine forest. It was transformative. I slept, I ate, I walked in the woods, I read, I drew, I walked in the rain, I wrote, I reflected on my life in the present. It was transformative - oh wait, I said that already. But it was. </div>
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I came home with a peaceful center in my heart. I came home with love in my heart. I came home in gratitude for all my blessings and blessed I am. I came home with a new idea for my future........</div>
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I am thinking about making some rather large changes in my life in the next 18 months. Not retirement - that sounds yucky - but refinement. Taking more time to do what I want! Being able to give more of my time and only working for pay a few months a year. A very big change is definitely on the horizon. I am excited - I always thought I would work until 70 at least - I am young, strong, healthy and do enjoy what I do for a living and now something else shows itself on the horizon. </div>
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A refined life - what does that mean??? It means having time to wake up and do nothing. It means giving of my time to causes I care about - including (especially) The Grief Project. It means taking a daytime yoga class - walking in the woods - writing, disciplined writing. Or it means doing nothing, if that's what strikes my fancy. </div>
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I means the biggest transformation in my life since Tom died. Whenever I think about it I am filled with a sense of excitement and anticipation (and a tinge of fear too) - I am preparing to step out into the next great adventure of my life. Another Journey to a New Life. There is much more to come................... </div>
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Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-87493829982218576862012-07-31T08:47:00.000-05:002012-11-03T11:56:44.919-05:00The Retreat was Magic<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The retreat was MAGIC. The photo above was taken at the end of our release and remembrance ceremony - that is a very large sky lantern we are lighting. Most of the weekend was spent in "Kairos" or spirit time - thanks to our wonderful Saturday morning speaker, Alicia (you can meet Alicia at the blog, "Forever Changed" - she is on the blog roll to the right) we learned lots about Kairos and the healing power of the spirit time experience.<br />
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The Grief Project has completed a one year cycle of service to the bereaved and its impact is enormous. So many widowed are talking about how "they have been changed/healed/transformed" by Sacred Journey and The Grief Project. My heart is full. <br />
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I returned home late Sunday, unpacked, did laundry, repacked and after an acupuncture appointment this morning, I will be headed to the airport to depart for San Francisco. Tonight I will be in Napa. I will stay in a hotel, get my car in the morning and then I am going to visit the Senior Services Center, a home health care agency and other gather other resources for the aging journey ahead for Mother (and me as her support person).<br />
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Wednesday afternoon, I will motor on up to Yountville to begin my visit with Mother. I will be posting while in California. A closing note: I am humbled that TGP is really up and off the ground and that it is making an impact. For those of us who work in the nonprofit sector - there is no better thing to hear than our work changed a life. That is the reason to be. Many blessings to everyone - I will catch you from California. Big Hugs.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-34243323578555314172012-07-26T17:47:00.001-05:002012-11-03T11:54:18.162-05:00Sacred Journey<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I have not blogged much at all about the project that is so dear to my heart. The Grief Project (www.griefproject.org) is a peer support organization that provides companionship, hope, healing and support to women and men who have suffered the loss of their life partner.<br />
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This weekend is our (second annual) widowed retreat. I am so very excited - I began to dream the grief project in 2005 - and here we are. This year the retreat has 3 times the participants of last year. Rooted in participation and reaching out to those who in need - we are here to stand witness, to be a companion, to be there for those who are taking that devastating journey of loss and transformation.<br />
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So, my car is packed - the workshop presenters are ready - we have lots of gifts and surprises. The gift in the grief project is my consulting group (*and the generosity and support of my business partner) funds the organization - that means the entire weekend costs $200. We also hold one-day Gatherings several times a year - they are free. My heart is so happy that we can welcome those in need and by that I mean heart and soul need without thought to money. Of course, we are growing and so my next job is to begin to raise funds to make TGP sustainable over the long haul.<br />
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No mind for the future right now -- we are off to laugh, hug, cry, learn, be, eat, and be happy to be in a big group that 'gets it" - Yay!!!!! <br />
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-75338394346777632682012-07-25T20:20:00.001-05:002012-11-03T11:57:17.420-05:00My heart hurtsI know this is the best thing. I know it was a long time coming. I know, I know, I know. i am grieving the loss of someone and something that was very dear to me. I will honor the grief. I will walk through to the next place. But damn, it hurts. Just saying.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-57063175962462935642012-07-23T17:51:00.002-05:002012-11-03T11:57:58.291-05:00DoneHere I am - Monday evening. Sucking it all in. Mourning the loss of a dream - knowing that this was the best action I could take.<br />
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I am happy that I finally posted a photo of him ---- he <strike>is</strike> was so important in my life. Saturday afternoon I told him that "we" were over. I am sad but committed to myself and the future.<br />
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More to come...............................Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-59916214661925029892012-07-21T18:17:00.002-05:002012-07-21T18:30:23.702-05:00The Man - He Kicked Down the Doors - Kisses Always<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-11447342112747763712012-07-14T20:41:00.001-05:002012-07-15T11:18:48.943-05:00LegacyMy mother continues to decline. I have learned so much from her on this journey. I am so grateful that I can be present to her. When I was there in February, I bought her all new clothes. At that point, I bought "what I thought she should have". Once I returned home to Minnesota (after several phone conversations with her) I ordered the "travel knit" pants she likes to wear - practical as those cotton pants were (for someone with incontinence problems) those are not her style. So what if the travel knits wear out faster and have a tendency to hold on to objectionable odors. Who cares! No matter her decline, she has always been a woman of great beauty and style.<br />
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Today as I was canning pickles, I thought about how far we have come on this journey of aging and loving one another. Mother and I have always had differences of opinion - in the end of days here we are, the two of us. Today I realized that I might have been unconsciously taking out some deeply buried "adolescent crap" out on her when I purchase her "practical cotton pants". Mother has always been the definition of controlling, including every aspect of my upbringing and just maybe I was acting out some long held thing - who knows, who cares. We are here together until the end of days and I am honored to companion her on this difficult journey. <br />
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She has begun to have frequent falls. Two weeks ago, she fell and knocked out one of her front teeth. Luckily, that is something the dentist can repair. It is now "good as new". She fell again this week trying to hang the hummingbird feeder. I hope she stays vertical until I arrive on August 1.<br />
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Of course, I worry. Of course, I want her to be safe. Of course, of course, of course. I have learned to curb my worry and anxiety and not have it spill over onto her. I try to honor her decisions and speak only lovingly and constructively to her.<br />
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Today when I called, she was baking cookies. These are the prepacked "Nestle Toll House" cookies that you can purchase in your supermarket's refrigerated case. She has been baking these for the last few years. They are "her cookies" and she gives them to her neighbors and friends. She would be mortified if she thought anyone thought she didn't mix the batter from scratch. :-)<br />
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When I spoke with her, I saw us - how alike we are and how much I have inherited from her. She can't slow down and she won't slow down - feeling needed - doing things for others - being active - using her hands, these are all intrinsic to what and how she is. I am so grateful to for that legacy and to have inherited that can-do spirit, She is the energizer bunny and if she falls and hurts herself - she is living her life - not sitting on the shelf. A priceless and precious legacy. Thank you Mother.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-19573374613776962812012-06-24T11:49:00.001-05:002012-06-24T18:14:27.937-05:00Life on this last day of 65<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is a precious time. I have been able to spend a significant amount of solitary time this past week. This picture so accurately depicts where I am right now. It is time - time to move out of my comfort zone and reach for the stars ahead.<br />
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I changed my blog template this week - this is the third template in 6 years. The first was dark - black with white type, reflecting my life and my pain. The second, blue with clouds and the new one, a pale golden background with a flock of birds in flight, reaching for the sky. How fitting. <br />
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Just as the template is symbolic, so too the tag line, which I also changed this morning. For the first few years the tag was "when you're going through hell - keep going". For the past two years, "the adventure continues" - the new tagline "embrace the magic" is fitting for what is ahead.<br />
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I am unsure about what is ahead yet I know it is wonderful. I feel it deep in my bones - something amazing. I am going to (not tiptoe) begin to take leaps outside my comfort zone. Starting now. I reach for the magic. <br />
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The birthday weekend continues - I am blessed and grateful for this life. And for YOU. You are MAGIC. <br />
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-80560979889175730412012-06-23T23:49:00.001-05:002012-11-03T11:59:02.364-05:00Report from the beginning of the Birthday Weekend<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Yep, here I am, sending my love to you all - fairly late on the first night of my birthday weekend. Sushi dinner - fabulous - my family of choice - triple fabulous. </div>
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Thanks Mom ---- today and always</div>
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Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-30711354513439069402012-06-14T11:11:00.003-05:002012-06-14T11:17:51.770-05:00Glimpses from the Road Ahead<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I am feeling better. I took your advice and kicked off my shoes, had a drink of cool water (and some wine), took a nap, walked in solitude, reflected on my experiences of the past 6 months and tucked all my blog sisters' comments and thoughts safely in my heart. Moving forward - taking some giant steps, some baby steps - there is momentum and greater clarity. Thank you.</div>
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Here I am at another birthday time of year. This time of year has always been precious to me. Time to reflect on the year just passed and the year ahead. Birthdays have never bothered me much - you know, "OMG, I am (fill in the blank) - I am getting soooo old" - just hasn't been part of my repertoire. </div>
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I am very blessed to be strong and healthy. I have always enjoyed that irrepressible excitement and enthusiasm for life; the kind of enthusiasm that bubbles up spontaneously from deep in your bones. </div>
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As my birthday rapidly approaches, I don't feel like what I imagined 65 - going on 66 - would feel. (And no, sixty is NOT the new forty - gack! It <u>is</u> 60, thank god.) I treasure the years I have been on this earth. I feel so blessed to still wake up each morning and have the privilege to learn, grow, serve, make mistakes and still be in my earthly body. </div>
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This birthday is interesting because I can see down the road towards seventy. It is not a vision in the far distant future. It is a point that is within reach in a relatively short period of time. Of course, those of us who have lost people very close to us know, anything can happen in the next minute, but until then - 70 is within my grasp. </div>
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I feel a sense of excitement. There is something out there just beyond my sight, I do not know what it is. But I feel it, at times it takes my breath away. I have no idea if it is personal, professional or a combination of both. I will quietly and patiently wait. The vigil and pilgrimage have begun.</div>
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This photo was taken on my sixth birthday - 60 years ago, whew! Thank you to each of you who are still visiting and still reading and still caring about me. I am deeply grateful that you will to share your guidance and perspectives with me. Many hugs and much love. Namaste.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-60638918374781594662012-06-06T19:43:00.001-05:002012-06-06T19:43:10.526-05:00Can't Walk Another MIleThat's right - there are no more words. Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-66644493777781702922012-05-31T20:08:00.000-05:002012-05-31T20:09:42.571-05:00Next Steps......Letting go of illusions. Living in the moment. Letting go of what is so you can have what awaits.<br />
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Each January I record my intentions for the year on a large sheet of paper and affix it to my home office door. I am able to see it many, many times a day. This year it took me until early March to record my 2012 Intentions - here they are: <br />
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<li>Believe in Transformation</li>
<li>Seek to Understand </li>
<li>Work Patiently and Persistently at All My Goals </li>
<li>Love the Now - Live in the Moment </li>
<li>Remember: all is well in my world</li>
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When I began this intention practice it was January of the first full year of widowhood (2005). My intentions were to remember to breathe, drink water, read, and walk. Basic survival. In 2010 and 2011, my foremost intention was to practice self-compassion.<br />
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As I look at my 2012 Intentions I see that I have been moving in the direction of moving on. Seeking to understand was the intention that moved me here - I do understand. I do believe in Transformation. I am working patiently and persistently at my goals. I am so much better at practicing self-compassion.<br />
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There is still more to do.....I am not in a huge hurry......I am going to Michigan for a week over July 4th to visit my Norwegian blog-brother, Tor. I am feeling compelled to visit Sedona, Arizona - I don't know why but I think I will just buy a ticket and go for a long weekend one day soon. I also need to go home - my Mom is not doing well and needs me to just be there for a bit.<br />
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Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into my future.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-16781816958812097562012-05-21T13:04:00.000-05:002012-05-21T13:12:45.588-05:00Sad -------------<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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After nearly two years, it is clear to me that this relationship is not the lasting thing I thought was being built. I can have a relationship, but on his terms and he seems stuck. Stuck in the death of his wife nearly 15 years ago? Stuck in his head? Stuck - just stuck. I have no idea what or where he is stuck - stuck he is. <br />
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I need more. I need someone who is capable of having a deep relationship. Someone who can move things to a new level over time. I need someone who is able to express their feelings and someone who is able to give of themselves from their heart and accept in equal measure. <br />
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I am very sad today. This doesn't have to end. I can still have this relationship as long as I have no expectations of next steps. As long as I can just enjoy the laughter and companionship and not want any more than that. As long as he never has to talk about his emotions or feelings. That is not me. The superficiality is making me crazy. <br />
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I know it is possible to have a deep and mutually rewarding relationship. I know that I have a lot to give. I want to be able to share myself with another person - deeply, personally and generously. And I want to have the same in return.<br />
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Or I can remain alone. I have a wonderful life filled with things that I value and am surrounded by friends and family of choice that care deeply about me and I about them. <br />
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I see him quite clearly - he is a lovely person with such a big heart. He is hurt inside and I cannot "make it better" - at this stage of my life I know you cannot "fix" another. Does he love me? Yes! Is love enough? Obviously not. He has finally said that he does not have anything to give someone else. It is not about me. It is about him.<br />
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My heart is hurting today - it is a beautiful sunny day and I am just curled up alone - reflecting - doing a bit of crying - releasing the hurt and thinking about what I want.<br />
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Life is short -------------------- those are not just words. I am strong. I am joyful. I am capable. I am resilient. I am creative. I am giving. I am generous of spirit. I am ready to take the next steps into the unknown. And yes, I am sad. So much potential - so much love - not meant to be right now.<br />
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"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" </div>
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<br />Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-6292168911121982532012-03-31T13:04:00.000-05:002012-03-31T13:04:11.943-05:00Life is Life......<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEqxU59aEtn7JRC9QB8D2Vp2FiW9zHezM8-FGiJDKwlAoSYsC8pvauPccOOmuimF_xxZowT0O6SD2rJAhAKnadbYQM2dgV18wsD3FXhX6NCv031d2bGEKTsNBBLDT3m8PKkQPw/s1600/clearyour+heart" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEqxU59aEtn7JRC9QB8D2Vp2FiW9zHezM8-FGiJDKwlAoSYsC8pvauPccOOmuimF_xxZowT0O6SD2rJAhAKnadbYQM2dgV18wsD3FXhX6NCv031d2bGEKTsNBBLDT3m8PKkQPw/s1600/clearyour+heart" /></a></div><div style="text-align: right;"><br />
</div>It has been far too long since I wrote here. Not only has my blog been silent, I have not been reading all my dear friends blogs. <br />
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So, here I am back again - I don't even know if there is anyone out there who will read this but if so, hello - I am still here on the planet.<br />
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Life flows along. My work is very busy right now, which is a good thing when you are a consultant - no paycheck job for this woman. <br />
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The Grief Project manages to keep going - I am hoping to have a break from client work in the next couple of months to really put some more time into it. This is the year to get "Stories from the Road" off the ground and going. All in the all, it is not too bad. We have managed to have two Gatherings since the last retreat and we will have another April 28. We have a private support page on Facebook, which I update almost everyday. And there is another retreat this summer - July 28 and 29th, so it is unfolding.<br />
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My BFF, Joan, just arrived and so I need to go for now. But I am back and I will write more soon. Love you all.Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-28144259766008198112012-01-14T20:34:00.000-06:002012-01-14T20:34:21.347-06:00Just Reporting from Seven Years In...No matter what - I am different and I celebrate that different. I am quite clear - I am me and I must treasure me. Nothing else matters. It is liberating - OMG - 40+ years later and I am finally liberated - shall we all have a big :-) and yet is is true. <br />
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My joy, my happiness, my well being, ME - I - ME - they do not depend on anything or anyone but me. Oh sure, I still get caught up in the old tapes, the old dramas, the old habits...yep, that's living on the planet. Living here in this skin - breathing - being here is a blessing.<br />
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Filled with wonder and gratitude.<br />
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Kisses and Hugs and Kisses and Hugs (as far as the eye can see)Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-68688317412642019702011-12-21T11:25:00.000-06:002011-12-21T11:25:01.770-06:00Love and LightToday is the winter solstice - the longest night, shortest day of the year. This is the night that I fill my home with lighted candles and say blessings for the year that is waning and the new year ahead. I found this post on Facebook; it is beautiful and captures so much. <br />
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Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah AND the solstice - I am hosting "Pagan Hanukkah" - lots of candles, blessings, a few latkes and a menorah too. Many blessings to each of you. I hope you enjoy this story:<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">From an article written by Beth Botts in the Chicago Tribune a few years ago titled, “Out of Darkness, Rebirth.” <span class="textexposedshow"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="textexposedshow">OUT of DARKNESS, REBIRTH <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="textexposedshow">The darkest day is the birthday of hope: For many thousands of years, that is what the winter solstice has meant to people all over the world; the shortest day of the year, when night had its greatest dominion. But it also is the day that light begins to grow. And from ancient times -- in imperial Persia and prehistoric Ireland, in Peru and China, in Scandinavia and Rome -- it has provided powerful metaphors of survival and rebirth to help us face the apparent death of the natural world and look on to the season of new growth to come. Many of the customs we associate with Christmas have their roots in pagan winter solstice celebrations from northern Europe, where the longest darkness and deepest cold brought the greatest fear. Thousands of years ago in pre-Christian Scandinavia, a giant oak log was burned to symbolize strength and endurance, as the household gathered around the fire in the face of darkness. That image of the fire on the hearth still is central to our idea of Christmas. Traditionally the log that celebrated Yule -- a name probably derived from an old word for wheel, as the wheel of the year turned -- was big enough to light 12 days of feasting. A fragment would be saved to light next year`s log, symbolizing continuity and rebirth. In Celtic myth, the winter solstice was the time that the Oak King -- who had grown weaker through the fall, just as his sacred trees lost their leaves -- revived to do battle with his evergreen twin, the Holly King. Holly long has been associated with European midwinter celebrations, because it remains green and holds it berries at a time when so much of the forest is gray or brown and seems dead. Later, as a new metaphor arose for light and rebirth, the holly`s berries, like those of mistletoe, came to be associated with the blood of Christ. Evergreens, with their apparent ability to defy winter`s death, long have been sacred in Northern European traditions. At the solstice, evergreens were decorated with offerings to beckon the return of the growing year. After the Middle Ages, the custom began to move indoors, and it entered American tradition after the German-born Prince Albert introduced the Christmas tree to England in 1841. All these customs speak to what the old pagans saw -- the forest dying, the world darkening and closing in and threatening their lives with its deadly cold -- and what they deeply hoped: That underneath it all, the world was still alive. Of course it is. The yews in the front yard may still have red berries, if the birds haven`t gotten them. Cones at the top of pines are ready to fall and drop seeds. Many plants -- such as lilacs -- already have formed the buds of next year`s flowers, bundled up and waiting to bloom. The dead-looking trees that dropped their leaves were merely conserving energy and moisture as they hunkered down to nap. The compost pile may not be cooking, but the busy little microbes are still there, waiting for warmer days. The ground may be frozen at the surface, but a few inches down, roots still are alive and bulbs already hold next year`s tulips and lilies. Many animals are hibernating. But others will be awake all winter, scurrying under the snow or visiting the bird feeder. Unlike ancient pagans, we have science to tell us that the solstice is simply the day when the Earth`s axis tips us farthest from the sun, so the sun appears lowest and weakest in the sky and has the shortest arc. As the Earth tips back, the days will inevitably grow longer. Knowing is one thing. Real comfort comes when we deck our houses with evergreens, light fires and candles, feast with our families to banish cold and dark, sing songs, worship together and tell sacred stories of hope and rebirth. But we can also seize a couple of those fleeting hours of midwinter sunlight to take a walk. Catch the glisten of a berry or the flicker of a bird. Look for the subtle swelling of a bud. Spot the tracks of a field mouse. Remember where we planted the crocuses. Scatter, perhaps, a few seeds of some sturdy native wildflower on the snow, which may float them down to the ground as it melts and keep them moist to germinate in the spring. There is no finer promise of better days to come. Let us find peace in the ancient promise of better days to come.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="textexposedshow">Peace and joy to everyone. There is more to come..... </span></div><!--EndFragment-->Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-6324520312192110912011-11-26T17:28:00.000-06:002011-11-26T17:28:41.772-06:00Mother --- the next chapter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilENELV8yOIvMO7O5NL_eYqunD-Ms3iDs7f2hP1gcQnFOVWaixYnQts0mrPkF8u-czMFq1ZeI_n9g2JnnVBvQ33iVmH3R7eQlncJSYRbuC2cIoOjSYLWBUBtTbADHm6s_9-pM7/s1600/shitcreek-thumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="186" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilENELV8yOIvMO7O5NL_eYqunD-Ms3iDs7f2hP1gcQnFOVWaixYnQts0mrPkF8u-czMFq1ZeI_n9g2JnnVBvQ33iVmH3R7eQlncJSYRbuC2cIoOjSYLWBUBtTbADHm6s_9-pM7/s320/shitcreek-thumb.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">It has been awhile since I blogged about my mother. She celebrated her 85th birthday on November 15th - alone in Yountville - how she wants it, because she doesn't want any of her friends to know "how old she really is". We now respect her wishes (paranoia) and don't even think of throwing a party to celebrate milestone occasions like turning eighty-five. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">My heart is in turmoil - emotions all mixing together inside - frustration, anger, helplessness, anxiety, admiration, and a deep longing to know that she is safe and not knowing where to start and what to do. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Mother is still living in the little house we purchased 2-1/2 years ago when she moved from the big house. My long-time blog friends may recall that Mother is functionally blind as a result of macular degeneration. She has recently been diagnosed with glaucoma. Macular degeneration destroys the central vision - glaucoma, the peripheral vision. It is now a matter of time - unless they can halt the glaucoma. I fear she is not taking the eye drops - recently she stopped taking the blood pressure meds (AGAIN) and had the 200/250 BP at her appointment.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Mom is getting weaker - less able to get around - more tentative. Since she cannot see, there are many things that just aren't as clean and tidy. The fridge often contains spoiled food - and not just a small amount either. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">She has an incontinence problem and often you get a whiff of urine. She doesn't eat properly and often has diarrhea - you can imagine the result of that. She is often confused and yet, she has adapted so well that unless you spend a bit of time with her you would not know.</div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">She refuses to have a regular cleaning person - let alone a weekly companion/housekeeper. She is competent and yet is on the edge. There is a wonderful person that I pay to go visit once a week or so to help with bills and such - but that is touch and go (Mom has no idea she is paid). Mom really likes Cathi but is fiercely guarding her independence; I understand as well I can from my 20 years younger perch. "Independence" - what is that? Safety - Health - Companionship - I am so conflicted. </div><div style="text-align: left;"> </div><div style="text-align: left;">It is very difficult - time to ponder the next steps. Any thoughts??</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">PS Mom can afford household help - a companion, etc. So it is not about money. :_(</div>Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13732635.post-88089816030303161342011-11-13T12:24:00.002-06:002011-11-13T12:35:34.159-06:00The Annual Vigili am in San Antonio with youngest son, his wife and our new grandbaby, a beautiful little girl named, Raegan. It is wonderful to be with them, to hold and love this baby; to witness the blessing of my baby parenting; to be in the warmth and to have a break from my familiar surroundings. (I am unable to upload photos as I only have my IPad with me, pics to follow.)<br />
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Today marks seven years, seven years ago this day was the last 24 hours that Tom was drawing breath on this earth. Granted, he was in a coma, but he was here, he was warm and we were together. The nearly four days from November 11 to 14 in 2004 remain a blur. <br />
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There are things that stick out in sharp relief, inscribed in thick, indelible lines within my very heart. <br />
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When I walked into the trauma room in the ER that night, he was on a gurney, his clothing had been cut-off and he was intubated. They let me stay - I quietly stood at the end of that gurney and held fast to his big toe. The floor was littered with the detrius of their life saving actions. I held hope in both hands. Thirty minutes later a nurse took me in a little room and gently told me "it doesn't look good". I clutched hope more firmly and went to ICU.<br />
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Looking at the MRI for the first in the early pre-dawn hours - my dearest sister-friend Lisa by my side - it was so clear, the right side of his brain was gone. Still I hoped. i looked at those MRI pictures a half dozen times and hope began to crumble. Removing the breathing tube was the ultimate step to freeing him, but oh so difficult to do and to watch. <br />
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Laying beside him in the hospital bed, recounting our meeting, our courtship, our marriage, our love and our lives - this was his last night on earth. In the middle of the night, Cheryl, our nurse came in, gave us a smile and said, "I don't know what you are talking about, but every once in a while his heart rate jumps up there.". We were on the same wave length. Later she returned and as she was leaving, she turned around and said, "enjoy his warmth". I didn't totally understand then - I do now. I will forever feel grateful that on his last night on the planet, I slept in his arms, holding him with all I am or ever will be.<br />
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So, here I sit in the kitchen in San Antonio, listening to baby gurgles, feeling sadness mixed with such gratitude and hope. Once again touching the wound that will never quite heal. Memories assail me this morning. There is more to come.........Suzannhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00324352371488938537noreply@blogger.com2