Memories...............on Your Angel Day

I shall remember the good times - I shall remember the feeling of your arms holding me - I shall remember the sound of your booming laugh - I shall remember your love and care - I shall remember that we loved and loved, through sickness and health - I shall remember cuddling in bed and dancing in the kitchen - I shall remember driving fast in the Porsche with the roof off, laughing - I shall remember that you always said you would marry from the first day we met - I shall always remember you.  My darling, lover, my flyboy, my friend.  

Humbled

My life has been a bit difficult recently as I have been suffering almost daily migraines - not always the headache but certainly the aura.  After a couple of months, your brain gets weary.  

I rarely have had any uncontrolled migraine episodes as I am able to control them using bio-feedback.  I had one uncontollable episode in 1994 and one in 2011, in both instances a month on a beta-blocker and I was good to go.  I am now beginning the third month and yes, my poor brain is tired.

And yet, I am so blessed.   During this time, I have forgotten to pause and think about how grateful I am for so many things in my life.  One huge gratitude:  I had a Cranial MRI a week ago (the neuro doc just wanted a look to be sure) and it was "normal".  That's a thing of beauty and something to be very thankful for -- headache, yes - strange things growing in brain, no! 

I am grateful for my business partner, J, who after almost ten years is my family.  Our values, our approach to work and life, our dreams for the future mesh so well.  He is a joy and blessing to my life.

My circle of friends who I adore and who love me in return are so dear to me, thank you for unconditional love.  My sister, Joan and the fact that we now live in the same city, only three blocks apart.

My home.  My little townhouse with the big backyard, the vegetable gardens, the patio and deck for relaxing in the sun or eating an alfresco meal and the 100+ year old cottonwood tree that stands sentinel over all.  How fortunate I am to live here - 18 years, the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life.

I am thankful for my little cat, Miss Kitty, purring right beside me as I write this - I love her. 

The Grief Project, I am so grateful to be able to be a part of something that holds out the hand of hope and companionship to those who walk the difficult Widowed Road. 

I have never really had health problems - a year or so ago the doctor thought I had a mild stroke, it turned out to be the migraine stuff not a stroke (I am grateful for that).   I had surgery in 1995 but that was over in a heartbeat.  Even with all the things that are going on now, I am fortunate to be as healthy and strong as I am.  I am grateful for my health and for this physical body that has carried me and continues to carry me these many miles. 

I am a blessed woman and I am humbled at how much love I have in my life.  Remembering today to express my gratitude makes me ever more grateful for life. 

Legacy

My mother continues to decline.  I have learned so much from her on this journey.   I am so grateful that I can be present to her.  When I was there in February, I bought her all new clothes.  At that point, I bought "what I thought she should have".   Once I returned home to Minnesota (after several phone conversations with her) I ordered the "travel knit" pants she likes to wear - practical as those cotton pants were (for someone with incontinence problems) those are not her style.  So what if the travel knits wear out faster and have a tendency to hold on to objectionable odors.  Who cares!  No matter her decline, she has always been a woman of great beauty and style.

Today as I was canning pickles, I thought about how far we have come on this journey of aging and loving one another.  Mother and I have always had differences of opinion - in the end of days here we are, the two of us.  Today I realized that I might have been unconsciously taking out some deeply buried "adolescent crap" out on her when I purchase her "practical cotton pants".    Mother has always been the definition of controlling, including every aspect of my upbringing and just maybe I was acting out some long held thing - who knows, who cares.  We are here together until the end of days and I am honored to companion her on this difficult journey. 

 She has begun to have frequent falls.  Two weeks ago, she fell and knocked out one of her front teeth.  Luckily, that is something the dentist can repair.  It is now "good as new".  She fell again this week trying to hang the hummingbird feeder.  I hope she stays vertical until I arrive on August 1.

Of course, I worry.  Of course, I want her to be safe.  Of course, of course, of course.  I have learned to curb my worry and anxiety and not have it spill over onto her.  I try to honor her decisions and speak only lovingly and constructively to her.

Today when I called, she was baking cookies.  These are the prepacked "Nestle Toll House" cookies that you can purchase in your supermarket's refrigerated case.  She has been baking these for the last few years.  They are "her cookies" and she gives them to her neighbors and friends.  She would be mortified if she thought anyone thought she didn't mix the batter from scratch. :-)

When I spoke with her, I saw us - how alike we are and how much I have inherited from her.  She can't slow down and she won't slow down - feeling needed - doing things for others - being active - using her hands, these are all intrinsic to what and how she is.  I am so grateful to for that legacy and to have inherited that can-do spirit,  She is the energizer bunny and if she falls and hurts herself - she is living her life - not sitting on the shelf.  A priceless and precious legacy.  Thank you Mother.

Life on this last day of 65

This is a precious time.  I have been able to spend a significant amount of solitary time this past week.  This picture so accurately depicts where I am right now.  It is time - time to move out of my comfort zone and reach for the stars ahead.

I changed my blog template this week - this is the third template in 6 years.  The first was dark - black with white type, reflecting my life and my pain.  The second, blue with clouds and the new one, a pale golden background with a flock of birds in flight,  reaching for the sky.  How fitting.

Just as the template is symbolic, so too the tag line, which I also changed this morning.  For the first few years the tag was "when you're going through hell - keep going".  For the past two years, "the adventure continues" - the new tagline "embrace the magic" is fitting for what is ahead.

I am unsure about  what is ahead yet I know it is wonderful.  I feel it deep in my bones - something amazing.  I am going to (not tiptoe)  begin to take leaps outside my comfort zone.  Starting now.  I reach for the magic. 

The birthday weekend continues - I am blessed and grateful for this life.  And for YOU.  You are MAGIC.

Gratitude

II 

I am so incredibly grateful for all my blessings.  For the past 22 months I have worked as an interim leader in a battered women's shelter, a family homeless shelter and a food bank.  

 

The work is very sobering and also a blessing.  To be part of making a difference in the lives of others is a privilege.  That we have so many hungry, homeless, desperate women, men and children in this country is a scandal. 

As Thanksgiving approaches I can only fall to my knees in gratitude for my life.  I have food, shelter, personal safety, friends, family by blood and precious family of choice.  I have walked the widow road and stand here - whole, capable, resourceful, resilient and alive.  I have opened my heart again and have a new man friend that I respect and care for.  My life is filled with laughter and companionship.  

I have an amazing group of friends that I have never met but am connected at the heart right here on these blogs that we lovingly keep.  I am filled with gratitude for the support, the care and concern, the guidance and the love each of you have given to me over the last five years that I have written here.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Blessings abound.

The VOICE

This year is about LIVING.  Not making excuses, not waiting until I (lose the 10 pounds); (finish the really tough client); (get a better night's sleep) --- OMG, fill in the blank.  One of my major intentions for 2010 is to practice self-compassion.

When I wrote that Intention it was about being nicer to myself.  It was about treating myself with the same kindness and support that I offer to others.  It turns out, it was about those things and more than I could have imagined.  In the beginning of the fifth month of this year here are some of the things I am learning and putting into practice as a result of this intention.

I am learning to silence THE VOICE.  You know the voice - the one we all have inside.  The Voice that is always ready with a critical word or a judgment.  The Voice that revels in living in yesterday or tomorrow.  The Voice that blocks living in the present.  The present moment - the only one we have. 

Treating myself with dignity and respect - consciously, deliberately and consistently is transforming.  This is not magic transformation - this is baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - the changes that stick.

Here is an example:  I gained some weight over the winter.  That's not unusual.  When that happens, I am really, really good at losing it - once I put my mind into it and do it - it gets done. (I am also good at using food to soothe myself when I am upset, bored, frustrated, sad - which of course causes a cycle of gain/lose the same pounds over and over)  I do NOT want to continue that behavior and that cycle.  This time, I do not want to go on a diet.  It is a losing proposition in more ways than weight.  It keeps the cycle going.  Gain a few, lose them, gain a few again, lose them - you know what I mean!  I am done!!! 

I am practicing living in the moment - making good food choices, staying active, continuing to build more muscle mass and finally getting it straight to stop the yo-yo right here, right now.   Living in the moment; being kind to myself; making conscious choices, forgiving myself when I make the inevitable mistake.   Loving and cherishing myself and my life whatever the scale says - it is clear that the VOICE keeps me locked in that cycle and that thinking.

I am learning that self-compassion is also about accountability - no excuses - it is the VOICE that keeps me trapped in old habits.  This exploration of eating and weight is only one small area in this new approach to living my life.  Self-compassion is about balance and acceptance not just words but the daily actions and conscious choices that that make up one's life.  This an exciting time of practice, patience, active learning, growing, gratitude, forgiveness, and transformation.  There is much more to come on this topic.  How does your VOICE hold you back?  How have you learned to listen to your authentic self not the VOICE? 

We are always getting ready to live, but never living.

     - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Reflections

Our weather is so amazing in Minnesota right now.  This is the first March in over 100 years with NO snow - that's right, no snow.  March is generally our second snowiest month - what a joy.

The loss of my friend Amy has really given me pause.  Back to the old question - what would you do if you knew you were going to die in 10 months?

There is part of me that says, "exactly what I am doing!"  There is another part that honestly doesn't know.  I am grateful that many years ago I had the courage to give up my "paycheck job."  I do love my work, my business partner, our networks and all we have built together.

For example, several years ago we put together our vision of what we intended to accomplish.  We did it in the form of a Mind Map, which is a graphic, intuitive way of planning, visioning, tasking, thinking, etc.  Today, we realized that in 7 years we have achieved most of our dreams and intentions.  Today, we agreed it is time to do a new Mind Map - a new vision.  Reaching for the future to make a difference in our world - that is a blessing.

Then I can't help but think about not working so hard and spending more time on a different kind of creative pursuit - write a book for instance.  Or, how about just waking up in the morning and not think about anything other than reading a book, taking a walk, going to the library, traveling to reconnect with friends, breaking out my art materials, volunteering as much as I want - going to the gym during the day.

I am not someone that has dreamed of "retiring" - once I took the leap from the paycheck to the entrepreneurial side of things I never looked back.  And one nice thing about our business - we are constantly looking to be relevant to community needs and are flexible never static.

On a happy note, I have been able to work in the yard the last couple of nights - raking and cleaning and looking forward to planting those pansies this weekend.  I broke out all the deck furniture and have a plan in mind to change the backyard for the outdoor dining table and chairs.  As those of us who have suffered great loss know, life goes on - life goes on.

Om Shanti.

Still on the Planet

What a whirlwind week - we facilitated a board retreat for a national organization all Saturday and Sunday. It was interesting and fun all about museums and informal learning experiences. It also meant that we were really busy for the entire two days!!

The retreat was held at the Science Museum of Minnesota, which is in a gorgeous new building overlooking the Mississippi River. I snapped the photos above last Saturday morning - as you can see, it is still cold in Minnesota. And yes, that is mighty Mississippi - notice, the houseboats on the opposite bank and the paddle wheelers next door.

I will try a longer post over the weekend - lots on my mind with all that is going on in our country and the world. The most overarching thought and feeling is one of GRATITUDE. I have a safe home, warmth, food, transportation, a job and a wonderful circle of friends and support - I am blessed and I am grateful. Talk to you soon...........

Lovely Weekend

Here in the burnished Autumn. I raked a ton of leaves this weekend. It was beautiful on Saturday and after a week of rain, it was a pleasure to work outside in the sun. There are still leaves on the trees and the colors are fabulous. I will try to take some pictures in the next couple of days.

Today was massage day - always rejuvenating for D to set up in the downstairs and work every kink out of me - really nice after all those hours of leaf duty. Tonight, feeling connected and flexible.

We are taking Qi Gong lessons in our office on Friday afternoons - it is very energizing. It is our Fall Workplace Wellness project. I have been trying to practice most every day. Check out the link to learn more. Relaxing and energizing at the same time. I highly recommend it.

Anniversary alerts: This TUESDAY is my EIGHTEEN MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF QUITTING SMOKING!!!!! Such an accomplishment. I am truly a non smoker.

November 14th is the third anniversary of Tom's passing. Life moves forward, and yet some things will never change. With gratitude and an enduring sense of contentment for all my blessings - I hope you have a terrific week ahead.