Friday, March 17, 2006

Not Here

Tom's favorite holiday - St. Patrick's Day - how I wish I had a picture of that tall, smiling guy in his emerald green striped rugby shirt - complete with the Murray Crest. Today, I have deep ache for my guy.

I have been thinking and dreaming of the morning Tom died - and so, I share it now -

I came home on Thursday night at 4:45 pm and found the love of my life on the floor of my office and called 911 - when I got to the emergency room (of course, I didn't ride in the ambulance - we had done ambulance before and I would need my car to get things ready for his homecoming) he had been intubated. At 10:30 pm - our family doc showed up and I knew that wasn't a good sign.

Early hours of Friday morning - Dr. Lee, the neurologist showed up - Tom's MRI showed profound brain damage. He was totally unresponsive. There were many and very hard decisions to be made in the next 24 hours. I made them.

Angel Nurses surrounded us - family and friends sat with Tom - telling their stories and love. Each night, I slept in the bed with him - not sleep as we know it - long nights of retelling our story - saying the future that was not meant to be.

On Sunday morning - Cheryl the nurse who had been with us every night - came in and we bathed Tom. I asked if they had razor; she went to get one. Tom had not opened his eyes or made any voluntary movement since I had found him. I was standing by the bed, holding Tom in my arms and looking right into his face - I said, 'you are the love of my life.' - his eyes slowly opened - a golden light shined out - I felt his spirit pass.

In seconds - Cheryl was in the doorway - she came and scooped us in her arms - took Tom's pulse - said, " He's gone." She said a prayer and went to the phone to call S & J (our best friends - staying at our house) - She said, "J, come Tom has just PPPPPP" at that moment, Tom took a deep breath. He was back. (A few months later I found out, it was 12 minutes from beginning of death to coming back.)

Cheryl was dumbfounded - "in twenty years, I have never had this happen - sorry, sorry, sorry." J & S arrived - J held me - S went to his buddy's bedside and talked. What I remember is, "you can go, we are here - now you can golf everyday, drive your Porsche, watch the Vikings, you don't have to worry - we will always take care of Suzann."

I went back to the bed and held him - stroked his forehead - kissed him and said - again - "YOU are the love of my life." His spirit passed.


  1. Suzann,

    That is an amazing account of Tom's last moments with you. What a beautiful love you had for one another. May you find peace in his memories and through times like today.

  2. I just found this blog... it's quite moving, and I'm sure I'll visit often.

    -- Pentha, who also walks the WidowRoad

  3. Oh, Suzann, I am so sorry about this huge loss in your life. I am so glad you are still creating your life and that this loss did not leave you permanently stuck in the past. It is hard to move forward when your heart lingers behind...good for you!

    You are an inspiration to many, I am sure. I look forward to coming back here to read some of your archives.

  4. I don't know what to say ... my heart and real tears go out to you.

  5. I am so sorry about this immense loss in your life. Your words break my heart. My eyes are tearful reading your touching words. Yes, what a wonderful love you had for one another. You always will have lovely memories.

  6. This is very interesting site... » » »

  7. You have an outstanding good and well structured site. I enjoyed browsing through it film editing classes