Not Here

Tom's favorite holiday - St. Patrick's Day - how I wish I had a picture of that tall, smiling guy in his emerald green striped rugby shirt - complete with the Murray Crest. Today, I have deep ache for my guy.

I have been thinking and dreaming of the morning Tom died - and so, I share it now -

I came home on Thursday night at 4:45 pm and found the love of my life on the floor of my office and called 911 - when I got to the emergency room (of course, I didn't ride in the ambulance - we had done ambulance before and I would need my car to get things ready for his homecoming) he had been intubated. At 10:30 pm - our family doc showed up and I knew that wasn't a good sign.

Early hours of Friday morning - Dr. Lee, the neurologist showed up - Tom's MRI showed profound brain damage. He was totally unresponsive. There were many and very hard decisions to be made in the next 24 hours. I made them.

Angel Nurses surrounded us - family and friends sat with Tom - telling their stories and love. Each night, I slept in the bed with him - not sleep as we know it - long nights of retelling our story - saying the future that was not meant to be.

On Sunday morning - Cheryl the nurse who had been with us every night - came in and we bathed Tom. I asked if they had razor; she went to get one. Tom had not opened his eyes or made any voluntary movement since I had found him. I was standing by the bed, holding Tom in my arms and looking right into his face - I said, 'you are the love of my life.' - his eyes slowly opened - a golden light shined out - I felt his spirit pass.

In seconds - Cheryl was in the doorway - she came and scooped us in her arms - took Tom's pulse - said, " He's gone." She said a prayer and went to the phone to call S & J (our best friends - staying at our house) - She said, "J, come Tom has just PPPPPP" at that moment, Tom took a deep breath. He was back. (A few months later I found out, it was 12 minutes from beginning of death to coming back.)

Cheryl was dumbfounded - "in twenty years, I have never had this happen - sorry, sorry, sorry." J & S arrived - J held me - S went to his buddy's bedside and talked. What I remember is, "you can go, we are here - now you can golf everyday, drive your Porsche, watch the Vikings, you don't have to worry - we will always take care of Suzann."

I went back to the bed and held him - stroked his forehead - kissed him and said - again - "YOU are the love of my life." His spirit passed.