So, what is going on? My girl friend didn't come to dinner - that was fine. I ate gorgeous lamb shanks all weekend.
My confession, I have been a recluse this weekend - feeling disconnected. Why? I was so intentional in the first year of the grief journey. Made hard decisions, honored my grief, reached out, tumbled through the turbulence, chose life many times over.
What is this second year? I know Tom is gone. I have made and remade myself - I have remodeled the house, bought the duplex, wept a gzillion gallon of tears, started exercising, finally went to the doctor, learned to laugh again, spent time with friends, see a future ahead - hazy may it be.
This weekend, I am back to wanting to run away from home - yet am paralyzed. So blessed am I and can recount my gratitudes to the nth degree. Yet, I am here today - in my nightgown.
So, here in the second year - I am still engaged in the turmoil of loss. I sound like some people who, "just wanted me to be over it."
Hang in there...we all have days like that...I don't think it matters if it's 1 year, 2 years or more. But the good thing is it doesn't last forever (unless you want it too)..You are doing good and you are entitled to have a down day. It must be in the air because I had one of those days yesterday also.
ReplyDeleteWell, first of all...I can't believe your friend missed out on that delicious dinner. I would have been there with bells on. I can only imagine how good everything was; and YOU were the lucky recipient...not all bad.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, boy...do I have some of the same days Suzann. Right now I'm typing this..still in my lounger, soon to take a shower. I'm going to dinner with some friends at a local restaurant later. But, what have I done so far today? Well, not much. Been at the computer on and off most of the day. I honestly could spend my WHOLE day there...in one way or another. Picked-up a friend who needed to run a couple of errands because she can't drive anymore.
Over the past few months since Joel's death...sure, I've stepped up and taken care of issues as they've arisen. Everyone says "take the time YOU need." Don't rush into anything. Don't worry about looking for a job now...the time will present itself. I love that logic...because it makes me feel less guilty for not addressing it. I have those days too where I just want to run, or at the very least...not think of ANYTHING that even hints at being responsible. I'm a big kid anyway, so it's not a huge leap for me.
You've remodled the house? Cripes, that's amazing! God knows I have some major projects just sitting here waiting for me to address. Haven't yet. I'm just NOT there. Do you think I'll feel differently later? You sound a heck of a lot more motivated than me by far...even if you have a year longer under your belt. You inspire me to keep it going. A good kick in the butt...thanks sweetie. Now it's just a matter of what I'll do with it. -Joy -xo-
Suzann, our paths must have been meant to cross. I just posted about this very thing on the Young Widows blog!
ReplyDelete-- Pentha, Sending you strength for the journey
Suzann,
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with Joy. You are courageous and blossoming---even in your nightgown, Folks who "want you to be over it" are thinking about themselves. You'll never "get over" it. You'll do what you've been doing so admirably: Getting ON with it.
I also encouage you not to feel guilty about banging around in your nightie. Given the chance, I believe a huge number of women would do it for the better part of every day no matter what was going on in their life. Besides, I never consider the particular clothing I have on my boney old carcass at any particular time as any measure of my character.
I think you're just great!
lucyd