Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Welcome February. January was a whirlwind of activity in all corners of my life. Dendros is jamming and I am engaged in the work as I have not been since Tom died - I have climbed out of my chasm of despair and have turned into the wind.

Yesterday it occurred to me that January 14th had come and gone and for the first month in 14, I did not spend the day ruminating on the "x month anniversary." For an instant, I felt a deep pang of guilt - "how could I not remember." Then I relaxed with the knowledge that I am making grief my friend. That is a Patsy quote and one I never really understood until now. I do not have to suffer every month to honor Tom's memory. The most lasting honor to Tom is to live my life with meaning and intentionality.

Turning into the wind does not mean I am done - healed - whew, that's over now. I still have the moments that arrive unannounced - Saturday, I was in TJ Maxx and heard a song on Muzak that nearly brought me to tears in the towel aisle - notice the operative word "nearly." This time last year I would leave my cart in the aisle and hardly make it out the door before bursting into tears. Sitting in parking lots sobbing became a common pasttime. Progress.

There are things ahead that I cannot see - but for now it is with a deep sense of gratitude and wonder that I can say I am re-engaged in life in a new way.

"You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars.
You have a right to be here.
And whether you know it or not,
Life is unfolding as it should."

How's that for an old hippie quote. So, from this old hippie, Happy February.