Memorial Day

In honor of those who have served our country.  In memory of and deep gratitude for those who have paid the supreme price and died while serving in the Armed Forces.   Holding those close who grieve the loss of their loved ones who have perished while in uniform.  Namaste.

Be Content

Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.                         

                                                 ~Lao Tzu

Summer is on the Way

I have been really scarce here for the last couple of weeks.  So much is happening I don't know where to start.  First - I finally got the tomatoes and herbs and eggplant and flowers planted!!  I worked for five hours nonstop in the garden today and I feel really good.  I have dreams of tomatoes and basil with my homemade fresh mozzarella - yum! 

I planted four different varieties of tomatoes - yellow pear, brandywine (a really big heirloom), opalla (an heirloom paste), and aussie (a early, medium-sized heirloom).  I also planted a currant bush and rhubarb!  The picture at the left is in the front of my house.  Those of you who have been visiting here for awhile might remember pictures of the front of the house with bountiful pots of foliage and flowers.  Last Fall I had the gravel mulch removed and had it dug out and replaced with rich compost and garden soil.  Now I can grow food there - how fun!  I still haven't decided what to plant for the border - maybe more basil.  You can't have enough basil!

I am still growing in pots - I have lots of chives, more tomatoes, tons of other herbs of every description, flowers and there is more to come.   I get such enjoyment out of digging in the dirt and watching things grow. 

The big news is my Mother sold the house in Yountville!  This a huge life-transition.  The is much too big for her plus the two-stories are really not practical for a woman in her 80's who is legally blind.  She has lived in the house for a long time - we have our work cut out for us.

Of course, I am on my way to California to help find her a place to live (she wants to buy something - her choice, not a great idea from my perspective - nonetheless - I will honor her wishes).  I need to help pack her things; I need to help her decide what will go to the new place and what we will do with all the stuff that will not fit as she downsizes.  I will be leaving the beginning of June and will spend 11 days with her.  I will also go back in early July to be with her for the move.

I have been juggling a lot of balls lately.  We moved our office (the new one is great); my client work is still very intense; I have been trying to get the yard in shape; I have been trying to simplify my own life by getting rid of stuff and the beat does on.  Oh yeah, and then there is laundry and things. :)

The next couple of weeks will be really busy.  I will try to keep the garden photos updated and of course, it is always fun to post wine country shots.  I hope you are all well and enjoying these days leading up to summer. 

One marvelous thing - I have stepped into my new life.  It is terrific to be here now - not in the past, not longing for what I cannot have, just enjoying my life as it is - very grateful for life just the way it is.  Namaste.

The VOICE

This year is about LIVING.  Not making excuses, not waiting until I (lose the 10 pounds); (finish the really tough client); (get a better night's sleep) --- OMG, fill in the blank.  One of my major intentions for 2010 is to practice self-compassion.

When I wrote that Intention it was about being nicer to myself.  It was about treating myself with the same kindness and support that I offer to others.  It turns out, it was about those things and more than I could have imagined.  In the beginning of the fifth month of this year here are some of the things I am learning and putting into practice as a result of this intention.

I am learning to silence THE VOICE.  You know the voice - the one we all have inside.  The Voice that is always ready with a critical word or a judgment.  The Voice that revels in living in yesterday or tomorrow.  The Voice that blocks living in the present.  The present moment - the only one we have. 

Treating myself with dignity and respect - consciously, deliberately and consistently is transforming.  This is not magic transformation - this is baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - the changes that stick.

Here is an example:  I gained some weight over the winter.  That's not unusual.  When that happens, I am really, really good at losing it - once I put my mind into it and do it - it gets done. (I am also good at using food to soothe myself when I am upset, bored, frustrated, sad - which of course causes a cycle of gain/lose the same pounds over and over)  I do NOT want to continue that behavior and that cycle.  This time, I do not want to go on a diet.  It is a losing proposition in more ways than weight.  It keeps the cycle going.  Gain a few, lose them, gain a few again, lose them - you know what I mean!  I am done!!! 

I am practicing living in the moment - making good food choices, staying active, continuing to build more muscle mass and finally getting it straight to stop the yo-yo right here, right now.   Living in the moment; being kind to myself; making conscious choices, forgiving myself when I make the inevitable mistake.   Loving and cherishing myself and my life whatever the scale says - it is clear that the VOICE keeps me locked in that cycle and that thinking.

I am learning that self-compassion is also about accountability - no excuses - it is the VOICE that keeps me trapped in old habits.  This exploration of eating and weight is only one small area in this new approach to living my life.  Self-compassion is about balance and acceptance not just words but the daily actions and conscious choices that that make up one's life.  This an exciting time of practice, patience, active learning, growing, gratitude, forgiveness, and transformation.  There is much more to come on this topic.  How does your VOICE hold you back?  How have you learned to listen to your authentic self not the VOICE? 

We are always getting ready to live, but never living.

     - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I stand in the Present

This weekend, when I removed the Burning Bush shrub from my yard, I couldn't help but think about the day Tom and I planted it.  We went together and selected exactly what we wanted.   This tree was especially important as its location is one of the main views out our living room window.  We wanted something that would fill that corner of the yard and be beautiful in different seasons.

We planted it at least 8 years ago (maybe longer) and I remember that day so well.  We had fun, laughing and talking about how wonderful it is to watch the miracle of nature as our plants and trees grow and mature. 

There would have been a day when I would have removed that tree with tears streaming down my face - totally consumed by the loss of Tom and those memories.  Not so this weekend.  The rabbit destroyed the tree - it had to go. 

Of course, I will miss Tom always.  Of course, there will be times that I wish he were here by my side.  Of course, I there will be times of sadness that he is gone from the earth.  That is the reality of losing someone you love and cherish.  For me - I have stepped into this new life - joyfully I can say - "I STAND IN THE PRESENT."

In My Backyard

I had a wonderful weekend working on my outdoor project that I briefly mentioned in a previous post.  There is a portion of my lawn just in front of my rose garden beds that is difficult to grow grass - between the pine trees and the shade it is a constant battle.  So - I made a new outdoor sitting room by covering the lawn to kill the grass, put down landscape cloth and covered it with mulch and ringed it with river rocks.

I also scrubbed the deck, mulched the gardens, dug and discarded my beautiful burning bush that the rabbits destroyed over the winter.

I moved the outdoor dining table to the deck and I think it looks nice. 

Next weekend I will begin to plant the herb gardens, get a few annuals in the ground, and then plant my veggie pots.  How I love the Spring and Summer - digging in the dirt, sun in my hair, pure heaven.

Wish You Were Here

Standing on my back porch this morning with misty rain hanging in the trees, coffee in hand and the incredible perfume of lilacs scenting the air.   Both last night and this morning all I could do was stand outside and breathe in their heady aroma.  There is lots more fragrance to come as they are just beginning to bloom. 

My major pursuit this week has been fundraising for my client - writing and getting out funding proposals.  I completed all that was priority on my list this morning and here it is -- Friday!!  I am so happy.  I accomplished so much this week and am anticipating the weekend ahead.  

My new bed arrived and I am in heaven - I got a wonderful night's sleep last night.  I have not been sleeping well - the old mattress must have contributed to my restlessness.  Good sleep, good health. 

Happy, Happy Friday -

Staycation!!!

The past few days have been glorious.  I have done absolutely NOTHING and LOVED it.  I worked in the yard, I organized some closets, I had a five hour spa day (heavenly), I watched movies, made amazing polenta, walked in the rain, and enjoyed myself immensely. 

I do feel refreshed and relaxed.  I am preparing for an important annual meeting of our town home association (I am the board president) which is being held tonight.  It seems we will have a good turn-out, which hasn't been the case in the last few couple of years.  We are a small association, only 16 units and I have worked diligently the last year to build community and encourage more communication among neighbors.  We have an important vote tonight to create a capital reserve fund for future improvements.  I have my fingers crossed.

One thing is clear, I need to take more of these breaks - it's just healthy.  One of my 2010 intentions is to practice "self-compassion" taking time is an important piece of taking care of me.  I feel very blessed and filled with gratitude for my life, my friends, my family and all that I have been given.  Namaste.

Happy Birthday

Today is the anniversary of Tom's birth.  Tomorrow I will go to put flowers at his grave-site at Fort Snelling to commemorate his birth.  It is interesting.  Every year, until now I have been quite sad on Tom's birth day and today I am here, just here.  I am grateful and always be grateful that he was on this earth.  I will miss him until the day I die.  He was my husband and my mate.   He is gone.

I am standing solidly on my feet - I am here on the planet - I am ready for new adventures. 

Happy Birthday Tom - RIP - I know you would be so proud of me today if you could see the life I have forged from loss.  Namaste.

I'm Ready.....

Rest and Relaxation

I am in the midst of taking a few days off - it has been a long, long time since I have taken time just for me.  My time off started yesterday and I will go back to work next Tuesday - not a long time but enough.  I rarely take a work break without going to my mother's or going on some other family related trip.  That is not bad, I am blessed to have family that love me and I am blessed to still have my mom on the planet.   However, time just for me - that is a luxury.  I know that sounds weird when I live by myself and do have solitary time but time without responsibilities and strategies and finance and leadership and busyness that has been in short supply.  My current contract is over the end of June and then I will take a much longer break but for now - I treasure this time.

Yesterday I hung out, ran errands, purchased a  new mattress for my bed - more on THAT later and went to bed early.  Lately, I have been feeling like I "hit the wall" and no matter how much sleep I get I am still tired before the end of the day.  No wonder!   I have spent the last nearly 14 months working in organizations in crisis whose missions are to work with families in crisis.  As I have said, "this is my shelter period."  That in itself can be draining and while leadership transitions are rewarding they are always challenging.   

So, here I am recharging my batteries.  Today, I cleaned and organized some closets that have been bugging me; I filled two large bags with donation items; I worked on my outdoor garden project and pulled weeds in the flower beds and now I am getting ready to go to New Beginnings for a four-hour Spa experience.

I have been outside taking Spring photos and will post pics and other things later.  Rest and relaxation - walking, journaling, gardening, organizing, napping, reflecting and just having a darn good time.   I think there is an art project embedded in here somewhere too.   More to come.........................

Moving......

Yes, we moved our office this week to this beautiful Cass Gilbert building downtown St. Paul a few yards from Mears Park in Lowertown.

The photo is the front entry of the Gilbert Building, my office is the far left corner window on the fourth floor.  It is so wonderful to be in this building to have windows and a private office.  We loved our former office - we were in that building for seven years - now we are moving not just to new physical space but to a new developmental stage of our business and our partnership.

I expect to meet new people  and I am ready.  I am joining the YMCA, which is a half block a way and on the skyway - it is newly remodeled and has a pool and lots of cool classes.   The park is steps away from the front door for a quick walk or a picnic lunch.  There are lots of downtown restaurants, places to walk, and a larger, more lively neighborhood.  I am ready for new friendships, new experiences and yes, some male companionship.  It will all unfold as it is supposed to.

This is a photo of Mears Park - lovely isn't it?  It has a stream running through it and there is lots of music and art and other fun things happening in this little urban park.  Our move is a transformation of light and space.  Our former office did not have windows to the outside - it was in another old historic building with a "mall" type feel with windows out into only the interior hallway.  Now natural light floods the space - my business partner's office is next door to mine (the next big window to the right.)  The front of the office is also all glass and the center conference room is glass on both ends.  It has a full kitchen with a neat breakfast bar and even a dishwasher.  I will take photos to post soon.

J and I both feel the new space is going to bring new edges, new people, new energy, new business and new beginnings to us personally and professionally.  Here's to new things in the air.

I am taking some time off work too!!  Next week - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday with the weekend in between.  I don't know what I am going to do but one thing I am NOT going to do is work!  I need some downtime.  I need some time to walk, to write, to reflect, to do a spa day, to do whatever I want.

Happy Sunday - it is a beautiful day in my backyard.  More to come................

Time for Outdoor Living

I spent most of the weekend working in the yard.  Things are greening up quite nicely - the chives are up, the daffodils are blooming and the outdoor furniture is out from under their winter covers.

It is time to begin thinking about grilled asparagus, outdoor dining and just plain enjoying the being outside again.

I am doing something new with the outdoor dining area - more to come as the project moves forward.  Gotta love these four seasons.

My Tattoo Experience

Many who know me well are aware that I have been talking about getting a tattoo for 4-plus years.  Intuitively I knew that it would become apparent when the time was right.  The tattoo was to be symbolic of Tom's spirit and my transformed life.  That's right - no tattoo until I was in my new life.

When I first contemplated the tattoo I thought it would be on my back, then I thought of it as being on my left shoulder.  As it became increasingly clear that tattoo-time was arriving - I knew deep in my bones that I needed to have it somewhere on my body where I could see it.  The tattoo is for me, not for anyone else.  That is when I settled on my left wrist.

When Deb and I arrived at Acme Tattoo on Friday evening I was excited and could feel the adrenalin pumping.  Acme is a well-respected establishment and has a reputation for quality work.  I didn't make an appointment, even though I knew for two weeks that April 9th was T-Day.  I felt that when I walked in the right person would be there.   I was correct.  Beth was the right person to do this tattoo for me.  My friend Deb, who has tattoos herself, was my encouraging companion - she was right by my side.

In the past five years, the dragonfly has become an important symbol to me.  In the beginning of my grief journey I was sent the legend of the dragonfly and it made a big impression on me.  Here is the story:

There once were a bunch of grubs who lived in the bottom of an old pond.  Every once in awhile one of their number would climb up a stem and leave the pond - never to be seen again.  The grubs agreed that the next one of their members that left in that manner would come back and tell the group what happened to them.  One day, one of the grubs had an overwhelming urge to climb up a stem and go to the surface.  Once out of the water the grub found that he had been transformed into a beautiful dragonfly.  He flew over the pond again and again - he could see his friends in the water below but to no avail - they could not see the dragonfly.  Remember, just because people take the trip we call death doesn't mean they are gone forever.

Those we lose live in our hearts forever.

For the past three years I have worn a tiny gold and silver dragonfly pendant around my neck.  In the these years, the dragonfly has come to have deep meaning for me - especially renewal, hope, and the power of change.

So I did it!!  Here is to my new life rushing up to meet me.  Here is the visible symbol of the journey no one wants to take and most important here is to my life - bursting open before me.  Here's to the future, with all my heart and with deepest gratitude.

Here it Is!!!

I have a post to go with this photo. However, Blogger has other ideas this morning and I have to go to workout.  I will post more about this experience later today.