Off to California

My mother continues her decline.  She is still in the little home we purchased for her after the big house was sold.  She is nearly totally blind now and does have help in the house five days a week.  She has begun to fall quite regularly and you know there is nothing like denial.  She is quite certain that the reason she is falling is because of the cat.  

I believe it is only a matter of time until she falls and breaks a bone and then she will have to move.  I talk with her every day and she has days where she is really here and she has days when she is not quite all here.  But, we are grateful to have one another and I am grateful to still have her here on the planet.  

This has been a really long and brutal winter in Minnesota  - we usually have some thaws that reduce the amount of snow we have on the ground - not so this year.  We have so much snow and it has been below zero so many days - setting records everywhere.  

I look forward to going to Yountville.  Excited to see my Mom and excited to see the green and feel the sun. Long walks by the vineyards are in my future.

The camellias will be in bloom and the mustard will be starting - golden carpets covering the vineyards.   The photo above is Bistro Jeanty, which is just a couple of blocks from Mother's home.  It is one of my favorite restaurants - a real French Bistro with yummy food and lovely ambiance.  They serve an amazing lamb tongue salad, fried smelts, steak tartare and Mother's favorite cream of tomato soup in a sour dough bread bowl!!!  I hope she feels like going out.  She doesn't go out much anymore - if that is so, I will walk down and get food to go one evening.  

I am working on my final clients before sabbatical.  It is an exciting time of life.  New adventures just ahead.  Next post, my darling doggie, Sierra - the new love of my life.  Take care darling friends....there is much more to come.  

Legacy

My mother continues to decline.  I have learned so much from her on this journey.   I am so grateful that I can be present to her.  When I was there in February, I bought her all new clothes.  At that point, I bought "what I thought she should have".   Once I returned home to Minnesota (after several phone conversations with her) I ordered the "travel knit" pants she likes to wear - practical as those cotton pants were (for someone with incontinence problems) those are not her style.  So what if the travel knits wear out faster and have a tendency to hold on to objectionable odors.  Who cares!  No matter her decline, she has always been a woman of great beauty and style.

Today as I was canning pickles, I thought about how far we have come on this journey of aging and loving one another.  Mother and I have always had differences of opinion - in the end of days here we are, the two of us.  Today I realized that I might have been unconsciously taking out some deeply buried "adolescent crap" out on her when I purchase her "practical cotton pants".    Mother has always been the definition of controlling, including every aspect of my upbringing and just maybe I was acting out some long held thing - who knows, who cares.  We are here together until the end of days and I am honored to companion her on this difficult journey. 

 She has begun to have frequent falls.  Two weeks ago, she fell and knocked out one of her front teeth.  Luckily, that is something the dentist can repair.  It is now "good as new".  She fell again this week trying to hang the hummingbird feeder.  I hope she stays vertical until I arrive on August 1.

Of course, I worry.  Of course, I want her to be safe.  Of course, of course, of course.  I have learned to curb my worry and anxiety and not have it spill over onto her.  I try to honor her decisions and speak only lovingly and constructively to her.

Today when I called, she was baking cookies.  These are the prepacked "Nestle Toll House" cookies that you can purchase in your supermarket's refrigerated case.  She has been baking these for the last few years.  They are "her cookies" and she gives them to her neighbors and friends.  She would be mortified if she thought anyone thought she didn't mix the batter from scratch. :-)

When I spoke with her, I saw us - how alike we are and how much I have inherited from her.  She can't slow down and she won't slow down - feeling needed - doing things for others - being active - using her hands, these are all intrinsic to what and how she is.  I am so grateful to for that legacy and to have inherited that can-do spirit,  She is the energizer bunny and if she falls and hurts herself - she is living her life - not sitting on the shelf.  A priceless and precious legacy.  Thank you Mother.

Glimpses from the Road Ahead

I am feeling better.  I took your advice and kicked off my shoes, had a drink of cool water (and some wine), took a nap, walked in solitude, reflected on my experiences of the past 6 months and tucked all my blog sisters' comments and thoughts safely in my heart.   Moving forward - taking some giant steps, some baby steps - there is momentum and greater clarity.  Thank you.

Here I am at another birthday time of year.  This time of year has always been precious to me.  Time to reflect on the year just passed and the year ahead.  Birthdays have never bothered me much - you know, "OMG, I am (fill in the blank) - I am getting soooo old" - just hasn't been part of my repertoire.   

I am very blessed to be strong and healthy.  I have always enjoyed that irrepressible excitement and enthusiasm for life; the kind of enthusiasm that bubbles up spontaneously from deep in your bones.   

As my birthday rapidly approaches, I don't feel like what I imagined 65 - going on 66 - would feel.  (And no, sixty is NOT the new forty - gack!  It is 60, thank god.)  I treasure the years I have been on this earth.  I feel so blessed to still wake up each morning and have the privilege to learn, grow, serve, make mistakes and still be in my earthly body.   

This birthday is interesting because I can see down the road towards seventy.   It is not a vision in the far distant future.  It is a point that is within reach in a relatively short period of time.   Of course, those of us who have lost people very close to us know, anything can happen in the next minute, but until then - 70 is within my grasp.  

I feel a sense of excitement.  There is something out there just beyond my sight, I do not know what it is.  But I feel it, at times it takes my breath away.  I have no idea if it is personal, professional or a combination of both.  I will quietly and patiently wait.   The vigil and pilgrimage have begun.

This photo was taken on my sixth birthday - 60 years ago, whew!  Thank you to each of you who are still visiting and still reading and still caring about me.  I am deeply grateful that you will to share your guidance and perspectives with me.   Many hugs and much love.  Namaste.

Mother --- the next chapter

It has been awhile since I blogged about my mother.  She celebrated her 85th birthday on November 15th - alone in Yountville - how she wants it, because she doesn't want any of her friends to know "how old she really is".  We now respect her wishes (paranoia) and don't even think of throwing a party to celebrate milestone occasions like turning eighty-five.  

My heart is in turmoil - emotions all mixing together inside - frustration, anger, helplessness, anxiety, admiration, and a deep longing to know that she is safe and not knowing where to start and what to do. 

Mother is still living in the little house we purchased 2-1/2 years ago when she moved from the big house.  My long-time blog friends may recall that Mother is functionally blind as a result of macular degeneration.   She has recently been diagnosed with glaucoma.  Macular degeneration destroys the central vision - glaucoma, the peripheral vision.    It is now a matter of time - unless they can halt the glaucoma.   I fear she is not taking the eye drops - recently she stopped taking the blood pressure meds (AGAIN) and had the 200/250 BP at her appointment.

Mom is getting weaker - less able to get around - more tentative.  Since she cannot see, there are many things that just aren't as clean and tidy.  The fridge often contains spoiled food - and not just a small amount either. 

She has an incontinence problem and often you get a whiff of urine.  She doesn't eat properly and often has diarrhea - you can imagine the result of that.   She is often confused and yet, she has adapted so well that unless you spend a bit of time with her you would not know.

She refuses to have a regular cleaning person - let alone a weekly companion/housekeeper.  She is competent and yet is on the edge.  There is a wonderful person that I pay to go visit once a week or so to help with bills and such - but that is touch and go (Mom has no idea she is paid).  Mom really likes Cathi but is fiercely guarding her independence; I understand as well I can from my 20 years younger perch.  "Independence" - what is that?  Safety - Health - Companionship  - I am so conflicted.  

 

It is very difficult - time to ponder the next steps.  Any thoughts??

PS Mom can afford household help - a companion, etc.  So it is not about money.  :_(

Still on the Planet

This has been an incredible month. I started a new leadership transition on July 9th and am still winding down the last transition in the family homeless shelter AND my mother is taking incredible amounts of my time. My new gig is about feeding hungry people - a mission that is dear to my heart. To make things more complicated, the food bank is a 28 mile commute (each way) from my home. I am not complaining but it is challenging right now.

One thing I have managed to do is to begin my summer food preserving - last weekend I put up 7.5 quarts of garlic, kosher dill pickles - yummy!! I have a few more cukes and I think sandwich pickle chips are in my future before the end of the week. I wanted to upload photos of my pickles but blogger is being stubborn right now. Maybe later.

Really exciting news: my bestest friend for over 40 years, J and her husband S are moving here from Florida in September. Hooray - we have wanted to do this for so long. The last time we lived close together was many, many, many years ago in Northern California. They plan to try out Minnesota for a year and see what comes next. I am excited and feel very blessed.

I will try to blog more often - even though I am not writing, I am reading everyone on my feed - trying to keep up with all your activities this summer. Take care.

Sadness

I have just returned from my second trip in a month to California to help my mother move into a new house. It was a really sobering experience. I accomplished my goal, she is moved and totally settled in her new home. That is a good thing.

The hard fact is that she is either entering the terrifying slide into dementia or she is becoming so forgetful that soon she will be unable to function on her own without more supports of daily living.

She has big mood swings. One minute loving and the next saying some pretty ugly things to me. She cannot remember what day it is and asks repeatedly, "what day is it? what date is it? what time is it?". She forgets to eat. She is unsteady on her feet and of course, she is legally blind. I am hoping nothing happens and that she can stay in this new house for the next year or so - we shall see.

Today, I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually spent. I am working from home to catch up and get back in touch with my clients and prepared to work hard the rest of this week.

I have accepted another transition client - I know I said there was a break at the end of the interim leadership in this homeless shelter but it feels like I am supposed to go to this next leadership assignment. Their mission is to feed hungry people - who can argue with that. They are a large organization and they have hired a search firm to assist in hiring the new Executive Director. That pretty much guarantees this to be a short-term, 100 day assignment. So, with the end in sight - tomorrow I meet with the Board Vice President to work out the contract details and Friday I will go to the organization to meet the Executive Team.

My work in the family homeless shelter ends on July 31 so for the balance of this month I will be juggling a great many balls. My new plan - take a good chunk of time off to enjoy the Autumn and early winter.

I know I will have to return to California more often. That is fine. Unfortunately that means I cannot do much of the other travel I have been hankering for - like going to visit my grandchildren in Philadelphia or just taking a trip for myself to have a vacation. I am not complaining - just longing for some time to myself to see and/or do some new things. Such is Life.

It is wonderful to be home. Home, in my own little house. Yes, I am sad to see my mother on this path - yes, I am glad to be home and to reflect on all my blessings. With deepest gratitude to be here on the Planet. Namaste.

On the Eve of a Birthday

This has been a really quiet blog month for me.  I returned from California on June 11 and was immediately immersed in work and continuing to help my mother.  The time has come for me to provide additional support to her by having someone else pay the bills.  This was a hard thing to do but needed.  She has agreed and is by turns:  relieved, sad and a bit angry.  I understand,  as much as I can from my seat in life's stadium.

I am on my way back to California on Tuesday to help with the actual move and get her settled in her new home.

Tomorrow is my birthday - this time of year is always a time of reflection and taking stock.  It is sobering to watch the decline of one's parent.  She is in her mid-eighties and has been incredibly healthy and active for most of her life but still, this is the beginning of new stage.  Between aging and reality of death - that I know well - it has me thinking about what I want to do.....right now, I am doing it.  But, what about next year?  What about 5 years?  This year I have been practicing mindfulness - doing meditation and trying to live in the moment.  One can live in the moment all you want - the question is still out there - what shall I create next in my life.  If I am no longer on the planet - so be it - if I am, I want to be doing those things that bring me joy and completion.

For today, I am exactly where I am meant to be.  Right here and filled with gratitude for all my blessings.  Om Shanti.

Napa Valley

Yes, I am home with my mother - the house is sold.  For the past four days I have been busy packing and taking things apart.  It is really difficult.  She bought a new place - probably the last thing she needs to do right now but it is her decision.  There is so much to tell about this story - I have not had internet access for the past four days and now am online again - hooray.  There is much to reflect on this time right now and more than I can say.   There is much more to come......................

Aging....................

Going home is always sobering.  I am so fortunate to still have my mother with me and I know this fact well.  Her gradual decline brought on by getting older continues.  This is inevitable and it is my honor to be a helper and companion on my mom's elder journey.  One of the more frightening complications about this journey is her deep denial of things.  For instance, she does not take her medications as prescribed, it is really hit and miss.  "I do NOT have have high blood pressure, I just went to the doc and it was perfect," this is a frequent response if I mention her meds or the high blood pressure.

She does not take care of her feet (when I arrived her feet looked like Howard Hughes').   Even if I arrange it she does not follow through *including if I pay for the pedicure/foot care in advance*.   The condition of her feet is a real health issue.

She has fairly severe osteoporosis and does not take the Fosomax - if she does not want to take it, that's fine but she needs to acknowledge the consequences.  At this point, she absolutely denies she has brittle bones (this time she told me the doc had given her a bone density test and pronounced her bones were perfect and she could stop the med) - OMG, she is so bent over it looks painful.  She has lost about 3 inches in height in the last 3-4 years and now her head is bent forward on her neck and precedes her body.  She is at risk for fractures if she falls and spine compression fractures just from walking upright.

Here is the rub.  Mother hates that she is aging - and she is in denial about it.  She tells folks that she is 70 (she is more than a decade past 70) and really believes that people are fooled.  So of course she cannot have high blood pressure, osteoporosis and a host of other age-related things.  She admonishes me to "never tell anyone how old you are because you look so young!!"  Hmmmmmm, could it be that if I say my age then others can count on their fingers about hers?????  I  bite my tongue a lot of time.

Some of this is endearing, some of it is really frustrating and some of it is downright dangerous.  I am respectful of my mother and I do not say some of the things that should be said, she will not listen anyway and doing so only alienates us.  I worry leaving her here in this two-story house.

We went to the retinal specialist yesterday = she has 20/200 sight in her good eye and 20/2000 or "fingers only" sight in her other.  They now think she may have bleeding in her macula in the good eye and suspect that she may have the beginnings of glaucoma.  I am taking her back to the doc this morning for extensive testing.  There are no corrective lenses that will help her see better at this point.  The eye doctor has given her occular vitamins to take and provided a list of other vitamins and fish oil to be taken twice a day with meals - I am afraid that she will not follow through once I depart.  One blessing - this is a new doctor for mother, he is top notch and most important she likes him! 

There are other things going on besides the health and hygiene situations that are too private to go into.  Suffice to say they are worrisome.  I know that she must make her own adult decisions.  My mother is not incompetent - the problem is - she is not totally competent either.  Time will tell.

Today, I am grateful that I can hug my mom and spend this Thanksgiving surrounded by my family.

ps The Grands are here - there will be photos to come!!!!

Aging

So difficult to watch my Mom begin this decline. It is becoming more apparent each month - her memory is getting faulty - her balance compromised - she sounds so vulnerable. I speak with her at least once if not twice a day and on the weekend sometimes more frequently. I am planning a trip home May 9-15.

I think she needs to leave California and move closer to me. She is talking about it more and more. There are wonderful age in place Independent Living facilities here. I worry that the winters will be too harsh - but aging alone, even with friends about, is taking its toll. Such a sobering experience.

Much of what I do these days helps to build the foundation for my own 70's and 80's, should I live that long. So much of my mother's life and identity was taken with her beauty (and she was one) and the things that go with that. She also was always on the go - seeing and doing - very social.

She remains a beautiful woman at 80 years old - but she resists, she wants to be 60. Her macular degeneration robbed her of so much of her independence - her ability to drive and to get out and about on her terms. That was a turning point and the beginning of a new phase of life. It takes such grace and spirit to age.

It is my honor to be here with my mother for this part of her life's journey. There is much to pay attention to in the process.