Off to California

My mother continues her decline.  She is still in the little home we purchased for her after the big house was sold.  She is nearly totally blind now and does have help in the house five days a week.  She has begun to fall quite regularly and you know there is nothing like denial.  She is quite certain that the reason she is falling is because of the cat.  

I believe it is only a matter of time until she falls and breaks a bone and then she will have to move.  I talk with her every day and she has days where she is really here and she has days when she is not quite all here.  But, we are grateful to have one another and I am grateful to still have her here on the planet.  

This has been a really long and brutal winter in Minnesota  - we usually have some thaws that reduce the amount of snow we have on the ground - not so this year.  We have so much snow and it has been below zero so many days - setting records everywhere.  

I look forward to going to Yountville.  Excited to see my Mom and excited to see the green and feel the sun. Long walks by the vineyards are in my future.

The camellias will be in bloom and the mustard will be starting - golden carpets covering the vineyards.   The photo above is Bistro Jeanty, which is just a couple of blocks from Mother's home.  It is one of my favorite restaurants - a real French Bistro with yummy food and lovely ambiance.  They serve an amazing lamb tongue salad, fried smelts, steak tartare and Mother's favorite cream of tomato soup in a sour dough bread bowl!!!  I hope she feels like going out.  She doesn't go out much anymore - if that is so, I will walk down and get food to go one evening.  

I am working on my final clients before sabbatical.  It is an exciting time of life.  New adventures just ahead.  Next post, my darling doggie, Sierra - the new love of my life.  Take care darling friends....there is much more to come.  

Sadness

I have just returned from my second trip in a month to California to help my mother move into a new house. It was a really sobering experience. I accomplished my goal, she is moved and totally settled in her new home. That is a good thing.

The hard fact is that she is either entering the terrifying slide into dementia or she is becoming so forgetful that soon she will be unable to function on her own without more supports of daily living.

She has big mood swings. One minute loving and the next saying some pretty ugly things to me. She cannot remember what day it is and asks repeatedly, "what day is it? what date is it? what time is it?". She forgets to eat. She is unsteady on her feet and of course, she is legally blind. I am hoping nothing happens and that she can stay in this new house for the next year or so - we shall see.

Today, I am physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually spent. I am working from home to catch up and get back in touch with my clients and prepared to work hard the rest of this week.

I have accepted another transition client - I know I said there was a break at the end of the interim leadership in this homeless shelter but it feels like I am supposed to go to this next leadership assignment. Their mission is to feed hungry people - who can argue with that. They are a large organization and they have hired a search firm to assist in hiring the new Executive Director. That pretty much guarantees this to be a short-term, 100 day assignment. So, with the end in sight - tomorrow I meet with the Board Vice President to work out the contract details and Friday I will go to the organization to meet the Executive Team.

My work in the family homeless shelter ends on July 31 so for the balance of this month I will be juggling a great many balls. My new plan - take a good chunk of time off to enjoy the Autumn and early winter.

I know I will have to return to California more often. That is fine. Unfortunately that means I cannot do much of the other travel I have been hankering for - like going to visit my grandchildren in Philadelphia or just taking a trip for myself to have a vacation. I am not complaining - just longing for some time to myself to see and/or do some new things. Such is Life.

It is wonderful to be home. Home, in my own little house. Yes, I am sad to see my mother on this path - yes, I am glad to be home and to reflect on all my blessings. With deepest gratitude to be here on the Planet. Namaste.

New Look for the Diningroom

I have wanted to "finish" the diningroom since the remodel in 2005 and just didn't get to it until November. I think the new area carpet really finishes the room. (Can you see Miss Kitty under the chair?)

I have an icky cold and am trying to kick it for the second time in as many weeks. I am taking another round of Chinese herbs and have an acupuncture appointment tomorrow afternoon. Here I am - in my fuzzy slippers and big warm sweatshirt just sipping tea and making a big pot of Chicken Soup!!

My time with my friend V was really nice. I am looking forward to my trip to Seattle.

Good news about my mother. She is now out of the walking cast and can move about without the aid of a walker. She also says the doctor doesn't want her to use her cane either. I suspect the doctor told her to use the cane at times but she would never share that with me.

She will begin in-home rehab shortly and has been told that she can no longer do outdoor, fitness walks and should never kneel again. She has healed much better than they expected at her age. I am grateful.

She says she will slow down now and "stop running around like a crazy person" - what that means is Mother spends a great deal of time moving so fast that she is out of her body a lot of the time. For instance, you cannot put even a used tissue in the bathroom waste basket and expect that it will be there in half an hour - she runs around and picks the tissue out of the basket to throw in the trash. Sigh.

Things feel so much better now that I have just relaxed into the now with her. It is her life - these are her adult decisions - there are things she is doing that are dangerous and can have far reaching negative consequences for her - still, those are her adult decisions.

It is very cold in St Paul - we are back in our boots and gloves. I put the small shovel and the window scraper in the car this afternoon. Winter - I love living in four seasons, it is good for the body and soul.

Talk to you soon...................

Time to Relax and Enjoy

I am taking nearly one week off from work and it is glorious. My friend V is here and we have been having a very nice time together. Thursday, I cooked a wonderful small dinner for just the two of us. Friday, my dear friend Lisa came for dinner and we laughed, talked, ate and enjoyed ourselves immensely.

Exercise is important to both of us and nearly everyday we have done a good joint workout - cardio and pilates.
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It snowed overnight and we awoke to a beautiful world of a quiet, white landscape. Deb is here doing a massage for V right now and I am going to roast a lovely boneless prime rib and open a terrific bottle of Cabernet for dinner. Just some quiet time of talk, laughter, watching movies, reading and relaxing.

I have decided to go to Seattle in December. We are closing the office between Christmas and New Years Day - it is the perfect opportunity to visit. I am flying on December 25 and returning around the New Year. A friend will stay with Miss Kitty and enjoy the house while I am gone.

My mother is mending but slowly. She has a life line button now - the thing you wear around your neck and can push if you need help. That is good. The doctor really wants her to go to in-patient rehab for a couple of weeks but she refuses. We do have a social worker now and that is a comfort. He and I talk frequently and he now visits a couple of times a week.

Mother is certainly not incompetent but she is not displaying good judgment in many of her recent decisions. While I was in California, she began to talk about selling the house - we even met with the realtor. She began to tell her friends and others that it was time to move somewhere that was more accessible given her eyesight and the isolation of Yountville. Now she tells the social worker - she only said all that to make me not talk about the future. These are her adult decisions - she has fallen many times, the next time could be even more devastating. I have stepped back again - I call everyday - I give my perspectives, when asked. I have stepped away from the drama.

I hope you are enjoying your holiday weekend. More later.

Overwhelmed

CALIFORNIA

The trip to California was as good as a trip like that gets - the second house is SOLD - after nine months on the market - hooray! My mother has already signed the closing papers and it is final this coming Friday. What a relief.

Mother pledged that once the house sold, she would list the primary residence and prepare to move - for the past few months, she has been doing a ton of stuff, cleaning out closets, painting and interior and exterior, having the gazebo deck refinished - "getting ready to sell." We had the realtor out to visit two days before my departure and Mother informed us that she was not ready to list the house yet. OK - her decision.

The morning I left she informed me that she will not be ready to consider selling the house for at least a year. I was amazed. I wanted to say, "Mom, you are one fall away from some really bad stuff." I didn't. I kept my own counsel. There is not much to say in the last 45 minutes that wouldn't have left us in a weird spot.

Leaving her alone in a two-story house is frightening.

We make our choices and our choices make us. This is the choice she is making now. It is very clear that I need to go home more often.

BACK HOME IN MINNESOTA

I am cleaning out the downstairs closets, getting ready for my handyman and his helper to come on Saturday to clean out the garage. These are the last hidey holes of undiscovered memories from life before death. It has been overwhelming. Pictures, clothing, suits, wedding shoes, theater tickets, guitars, music, so much of our life just laid out at my feet. My darling - my Tom - our life that is no longer.

It is hard. My heart is heavy today and yet, I know it is time. I need the rest of the house to be organized and I need to know where everything is in my home. I need the future.

For nearly three years, I have put so many things on the shelves in the downstairs bedroom and in the laundry room and in the garage. Now is the time. I clean and weep. I go through boxes and laugh and cry. I am full of gratitude yet apt to break down in tears at the slightest provocation.

I find myself slipping back into an old place of "why, why, why did this happen?" There are no answers.

Grief - the transformational journey that keeps on giving - the journey that keeps on ripping your heart out, that keeps reminding you to live in each moment - it is the only one we truly have.

I honor the grief, it has brought me to my knees a million times over, it has tested the resilience of every fiber of my being, it has drawn a new landscape on my soul.

"The hope that is left after all your hopes are gone -- that is pure hope, rooted in the heart."

David Steindl-Rast
Gratefulness, the Heart of Prayer

California

I am on my way to visit my mother in Yountville - leaving on Wednesday evening and returning the next Tuesday. I am looking forward to being home in the beautiful wine country. It will be good to be with my mom, especially because it is Mother's Day weekend.

I know there are more changes since I saw Mother in mid-February - we will work on those together. I am going to visit the Meadows, which is a wonderful independent living complex in Napa. I have let her know of my intention and have invited her to join me. We will see.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.