For the last few months I have been (first) texting and (second) talking on the phone with someone who was my first love. I have known this person since age 15. I have not seen him for 25 years. We connected again at the end of 2006, quite by accident.
Our conversations are interesting. We have talked about everything you can imagine and more. It has been fun.
We knew one anothers' Mothers. His is in a skilled nursing facility and has dementia. Of course, you know about my Mother. We have supported one another in this caregiving journey.
Over the past 3 months, we have had many, many 3-hour phone conversations. Even when we only intend to have a quick check-in call, we can end up talking until someone's phone battery begins to beep.
He lives in Seattle. He is arriving in St. Paul tomorrow night for a four day visit. Yep, arriving Wednesday evening = departing Sunday afternoon. He is staying in my home. He offered to get a hotel room but that seems silly as I have a lovely guest room with its own bath.
I have intense feelings. Some are about dishonoring my husband. But wait, my husband is dead and he has been dead for more than two and one half years. The ambivalent feelings have roiled around inside for months.
Yesterday, I decided that I am just going to relax and enjoy the weekend ahead. Life moves forward. I am alive.
Oh Suzann...I hope you truly believe your words "Life moves forward. I am alive."
ReplyDeleteI think it's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.....and in no way dishonors Tom. Please don't entertain any such thoughts during your visit. Don't let anything ruin what is such a good and healthy thing for you sweetie. Just enjoy every moment of what continues to be YOUR life.
Honestly, I'm very excited for you and your old friend....just let it be what it is.
Blessings Suzann....I hope these four coming days are glorious in every way...! You are alive and that is wonderful...May these coming days bring you joy and happiness. Life does go on, and that is as it should be, my dear.
ReplyDeleteAs I said, Blessings.
One of the concerns I have had for you, since I began reading your blog, is that you truly would not be able to move on. I am really delighted to read this post. Whatever this relationship ends up being, I amhappy you are open to experiencing it, open to it. Whatever it leads to, it won't detract anything from the love you have for Tom. And naturally he'd stay at your home. Reading this today gave me a big smile :)
ReplyDeleteOh my dear blog sisters, thank you so much for your comments and care. Your support and presence in my life is precious indeed.
ReplyDeleteYou so correctly said it yourself:
ReplyDelete- I'm alive.
Keep all the good memories - but do not lock yourself into a block box. And this weekend my be a further step on your jouney back to a new life.
I wish you the best.
How can I not wish you the best, my sister in sorrow?
ReplyDeleteWe have journeyed so far through the darkness. Let the light fill your heart.
May love light your path ... all the love of your life.
I think if the situation was reversed and your husband was the widower, that quite likely you would have wanted him to be happy, to enjoy friends and companions, have love during the rest of his life. I would imagine he would want the same for you, so cherish your old friend. Yes, just relax and enjoy yourself.
ReplyDelete