On the Eve of another Birthday.....

This is the last day I will be 64 - how did that happen?

It just seems to sneak up on a person.

This is also my 640th blog post! June 18th was this blog's sixth anniversary. To borrow a phrase - "I've come along way, Baby" since this blog began. When I began this "journey to a new life" I had no idea how many amazing people it would bring into my life - I had no idea what a healing force it would be for me and for others. I am blessed to know each of you who visit here - thank you for enriching my life.

Today, I am reminded of a watercolor that hangs downstairs in my guest room. It has the following quote inked around the edges:

We never really grow old it seems, we keep in our hearts our fancies and dreams, and in a corner all tucked away is the child we all were yesterday.

This year of being 64 has been a very good year. It is the year that The Grief Project was born - a dream come true.

It is the year I learned to open my heart again and feel that unmistakable man/woman feeling that I thought was gone forever.

It is the year that my bestest friend J came to the Twin Cites and now we get to see one another all the time - blessings abound.

It has been a year of healing and growth - the year that I know for sure that I am blessed beyond all imagining. I am grateful for my work, my home, my health, my heart, my friends and family and for my resiliency.

Standing here on the brink of 65 is a pretty good place to stand.

I just took these photos with my computer to mark this day - the last day I will be 64. There is more to come.....

The Beginning of the End

And oh it makes me sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. I suppose once your heart is ripped out by its roots and once you have walked that pain-filled WidowRoad, how can anything hurt worse? It can't.

Yet, I stood in the shower this afternoon and wept.

It is not the sadness that hurts me. It is the loss of the potential of something very wonderful. I cannot settle and I cannot change anything or anyone but me.

So, I will just have to be sad.....I believe there is much more to come.

Life is Precious

This is a poem by an unknown author. I have come across it a few times, and today, when it ended up in my mailbox again, I thought it would be a good thing to share.

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People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are..

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, Things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you are a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Leading with My Heart

I don't often write about the guy - he is very special to me. I have been struggling inside - where is this relationship headed? What does this mean - are we two single people hanging out until the next step comes along in life? Are we two single people standing together seeing if we can become a couple - in it for the long haul? What does the future hold?

We have very similar values in most areas of our lives. We both come from a very liberal perspective about the world. We walk and talk. We hold hands and hug. We laugh - oh, how we laugh. We love to snuggle and stay in bed on Sunday morning with coffee and the newspaper. We smooch. We watch movies in bed with popcorn and red wine. We dog walk and talk about the future. Things that both of us love - gardens, canning, flowers, growing tomatoes and green beans, fresh baked bread and cottages.

We generally do not see one another during the week due to work but we talk on the phone and text many, many times each day.

We have now been seeing one another for 9 months. At times, I feel like I run forward and then run back. I want to have a future that includes him and then I am unsure of it all - including how he feels and how I feel.

Here in the burgeoning springtime with my birthday just ahead - this morning I finally asked - "are we 2 single people hanging out or are we 2 single people being here to see if there is a committed couple emerging from this relationship."

We are stepping forward to see what commitment the next months bring - leading with one's heart is so frightening - leading with one's heart takes courage - leading with one's heart means you are true to yourself - I am glad I led with my heart this morning. Namaste.

The Grief Project

Please visit our new website. The Grief Project. It is the dream of my heart and now it lives. I have walked with other widowed people for the last several years, it is my new life's work. This project is the formal part of that work. A call to action for those who wish to help. A safe place for those in pain. Please visit the website and let me know what you think.

Tonight I am in bed writing this on my IPad. I am having a bit of trouble sleeping. Tonight I miss Tom with an intensity that I have not felt in a long time. Tears. Longing. Anger that he is gone. Wishing for a life that vanished so long ago. Wishing for my husband who loved me to the bottom of his heart and told me so daily. Wishing for his shoulder to lay my head on, wishing for his hand to hold, wishing for his gentleness, his easy manner, his unconditional love. Even after six and a half years my pillow is wet with tears. I miss you honey - I miss you.

Reflections on the Eve of a Launching a Dream

This week is a tornado of activity - my work is very complex, this is the part of leadership transition that is the most chaotic - it is a critical time of engagement with the board, staff and community and it is a time to collect a great deal of data as part of a deep organizational assessment. This week is also the week that I have been preparing to launch The Grief Project website. This is the project I have mentioned over the years - it is a project that has captured my heart and soul. I have dreamed it and worked on it since 2005 - every so often putting it temporarily on hold while I honored my own journey and healed.

My work with organizations used to be my life's work - now it is the work I enjoy, but it has become the thing I do to fund and fuel the my new life's work - companioning the bereaved. What a blessing.

This week, as I have worked early, early in the morning and late into the night - with client work in between - Tom has been very present. I have driven by the old familiar places and a couple of times I have felt that old, old tug in my heart. Tears in eyes and longing in my heart, a frequent refrain the last few days.

Last weekend was Tom's birthday. For the first time, my guy and I went to the cemetery together. He helped me to select flowers and drove me to Fort Snelling. It was an amazing experience. At one point I turned around and he had tears in his eyes as did I. He knows - he will long for his late wife until the end of his own days. Joy and Sorrow. Life.

I feel so fortunate to have walked the deepest, darkest path through the arid desert and burning hell of the grief journey. I feel so fortunate to have this relationship with a man who has walked his own painful road. Here we are - survivors - standing in the light - walking hand in hand and taking it a step at a time. Laughing, playing, sharing tender moments, looking forward - just being, being together in the moment.

What an appropriate thing tonight - to honor Tom and know that this new project will make a difference to so many. Thank you Tom for all you gave to me - thank you for watching as this dream comes true. Thank you Spirit - blessings abound.

Oh Dear

I can't believe it has been almost a month since my last post - bad on me! I have begun a new leadership transition gig and have been devoting a lot of time to The Grief Project. That's right after five years the project is alive and about to be launched.

I hope you have a happy Friday and I PROMISE that once the new project is launched this blog will once more be a happening place. Love and Light to All xoxoxo

Update Two

Just when you think everything is OK -- last Sunday, my weird symptoms returned. Sunday afternoon I went to the Emergency Room and they kept me for observation. I had another MRI on Sunday evening and it was conclusive that not only was I not having another incident, they no longer could see the mark from the earlier stroke.

On Monday, I had the heart test (TEE) to be sure I had no heart abnormality that could cause problems - that test came back totally negative. The neurologist told me that cardiologists generally find something wrong with everyone's heart and couldn't find anything wrong with mine.

Dr. H thinks that perhaps my anxiety got the best of me on Sunday - after all I know too much (first-hand) about what a stroke can do to a person in the long-term.

On Monday late afternoon I was released from the hospital and given a clean bill of health. I can return to working out and resume all my daily activities. I was given quite a bit of sedatives for all these tests and so I slept most of the day Tuesday. I also have taken some quiet time to reflect on everything that happened - it had a positive outcome and for that, I am very grateful. I am here now and ready to resume my life journey.

What a trip this has been - thank you for your messages, prayers and positive thoughts. I have been off my exercise and eating program for a week and am ready to jump back in.

I am totally grateful for my life, for the sunshine outside my window right now, for my friends that helped me during this past week, for my home, for the Spring that is happening under the melting snow, and that I can return = renewed and ready for the next steps on the journey.

Thank you so much for being my companions and my inspiration on the journey.

Update......

I just came back from Neurologist. They think I might have had a little stroke,  not a TIA, a stroke for god's sake - amazing.

The doc thought so too - he said that with my profile of healthy eating, lots of exercise, no clogged arteries (MRI looked at my carotid arteries and all the arteries in my neck going to brain), no heart problems, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol - that I am "the last in line" for a stroke. Go figure. The MRI showed a tiny "scar" on the left side of my thalamus - a tiny pinpoint that happened in the last 3-4 days.

 I am fine - the dizziness and tingly hand and foot have resolved themselves. My energy is coming back. Of course, after watching Tom have a stroke in front of me - after living nearly 5 years in stroke disability and recovery - it makes me sad and a bit nervous. The doc said to not worry - I am healthy and that it was an isolated incident. He will continue to see me and monitor things for a while. So strange - I am so healthy - no medications, no "conditions", not much illness to speak of.

Sure has made me reflect and take time to think - I didn't sleep much last night. I am going to take a nap now - it has been a really full couple of days. Life is mysterious. I love each of you very much - you are a treasure to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. xo

Well

For the past three days I have been feeling dizzy, a bit disoriented, and a little clumsy once in awhile. Yesterday I stayed home and slept all day. Today I went to the doctor.

I am not a person who is a big user of western medicine. I am very healthy. I take no prescription medications. I workout most days every week - weight training, pilates, and cardio. I eat healthy - lean protein, veggies, whole grains. I do NOT eat fast food, EVER. I do not smoke - five years now. By and large - I am healthy, active, vital.

It turns out that sometime in the last 2 to 3 days I had a very small stroke - OMG = my faithful readers know I have a history with stroke - that is what killed Tom. This was a tiny TIA but still - what a shock. I had an MRI today and a full cardio workup - I have no clogged arteries - I have nothing that needs surgery or other intervention. Tomorrow I go to the neurologist. The doctor wants me to take a full aspirin a day - instead of the two baby aspirin I usually take.

This has been a scary thing - but yet, the doc wanted to rule out brain tumor so I guess all is good. Life is precious - make sure you are living it the way you want. More to come........

Baby Steps

I have not updated the blog in a couple of weeks. It has been a time of patience, impatience, sadness, joy, reflection and waiting. The guy and I continue to see one another and enjoy each other's company. He is a wonderful man and I truly care about him as he also cares deeply about me. We will take baby steps and see where it leads.

I am strong and resilient in my approach to life and to the future. Sadness (as you know) is just a part of being alive - on balance I certainly have more joy than sadness these days and that is a blessing.

Knowing when to move forward and when to step back. Knowing when to continue and when to stop. Knowing - I pray for patience and also know that I have this "one wild and precious life" and I want certain things. I deserve to be with someone who adores me and will allow me to adore them. I deserve to have the passion and excitement of new love that matures and mellows with time - always with that spark. So here we are - baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into the future. For now, we are taking those steps holding hands......there is more to come.

After Changes Upon Changes

I do not know what lies just ahead. I have blogged that I believed the man who I have been sharing my life experiences with the past seven months was here in my life for awhile. It appears I was correct.

We care deeply for one another - we have fun and laugh incessantly. We have made some wonderful memories. We hold hands and hug and kiss a million times a day when we are together. We do the simple things of life that are so important and we have fun doing so. It appears that it all is about to be just that - wonderful memories.

Am I sad? Of course! Will I live? Absolutely. Once you have had your heart abruptly torn out, there is little that can happen to bring you down for long.

As I wrote in the beginning - I don't know what the next steps are between us. We will be friends - but if this moves forward in this manner then we will not see one another for a bit - I can't change channels that fast.

Yesterday, I stayed home and stayed in bed, reading, reflecting and yes, shedding a few tears. He and I talked on the phone several times. Today, he still sent me his early morning text - we talked at 5:30 am like we do everyday. Today - the sun is shining. I am up and ready to go to work. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into my future. That is all any of us can do. Namaste.

Celebrate Life!!

Today is my 58 month anniversary of quitting cigarettes FOREVER!! I am so happy and so proud that I kicked the old demon nicotine squarely in the butt and out of my life.

I used the support website Quitnet (www.quitnet.com) - it worked! Here are my stats that came in my email today:

Your Quit Date is: Sunday, April 23, 2006 at 9:35:00 PM

Time Smoke-Free: 1766 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes and 7 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 26494

Lifetime Saved: 6 months, 22 days, 9 hours

Money Saved: $5,963.62

In this case, it is your money AND your life.

PS For those who are new to my blog - my quit date is also the birth date of my dear husband Tom - it was a gift to him and to myself to quit on that date.

Walking the Widow Road

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of the journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another morning.

Slowly oh so slowly - we heal - slowly oh so slowly - we create a new life. In my early widow years it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again.

Slowly oh so slowly - we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes the day we first smile and immediately feel guilty - "he is dead", what is wrong with me?!

There are days we feel we can face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into the deep, black hole of tears and hopelessness. Somehow, we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages (over and over) to face another day.

One day at a time - one foot in front of the other - the beat goes on - somehow.

The journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words - they have become the values that guide my life.

Love is all that matters.
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand
Material things are transitory at best
Take no person for granted
Never leave those you love in anger
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
True friends stand with you - no matter what!
Kindness and time are the greatest gifts we can give


Now in my seventh year of widowhood (six years in November) I have found a companion. A man who has walked his own widowed road. Slowly oh so slowly we are developing a deep, deep care for one another. Slowly oh so slowly I am opening my heart to the possibilities. Slowly oh so slowly I am coming to the place that I can say from very deep in my heart and soul - how I feel. Stay tuned for more......

Juggling......

It has been way too long since I posted - way too long. I have been juggling a lot of things - new projects, catching up on professional reading, a huge fitness challenge that I embarked on about a month ago, time with friends (not as much a hermit as I have been the last few years) and busy with the things of daily living.

I have been working out at a really ferocious rate - increasing my exercise by at least 50%. For a bit my knees were really bothering me from doing so much high intensity interval cardio work on the treadmill. No more pain as now I have discovered the recumbent bike and it's much easier on these old knees. This week, in addition to 2 weight training sessions with Suzy and my cardio, I plan to do a Zumba class and a core training class, both at the YMCA.

I have much, much more to share with you. Some of my dear readers may remember that a few years ago I tried to start an initiative called, "The Grief Project" and I just couldn't do it then. I was too raw, too deep in my own bereavement. Now is the time.

The Grief Project is being initiated now. I will do a post this week with all the details. It is exciting and fulfilling a long held dream of mine. I will also blog soon about my fitness program and the challenge. It is an exciting mind, body and spirit endeavor.

Glad to be back at the blog = there is more to come.....