Life Goes On.........

The past two months have been amazing.  Hurtful at times and joyful at times - isn't that life as it is?  I have reorganized my house - rearranged the living room furniture - packed all the guy's things that had accumulated over the past two years - organized my studio for easier writing, painting, collage, and other creative endeavors and just plain tried to redesign my life for the road ahead. 

Two weeks ago I went on a solitary, spiritual retreat in a rural retreat center northwest of the Twin Cities.  I was there Wednesday through Sunday - silent and solitary in a small hermitage in the middle of a great pine forest.  It was transformative.  I slept, I ate, I walked in the woods, I read, I drew, I walked in the rain, I wrote, I reflected on my life in the present.  It was transformative - oh wait, I said that already.  But it was. 

I came home with a peaceful center in my heart.  I came home with love in my heart.  I came home in gratitude for all my blessings and blessed I am.   I came home with a new idea for my future........

I am thinking about making some rather large changes in my life in the next 18 months.  Not retirement - that sounds yucky - but refinement.  Taking more time to do what I want!  Being able to give more of my time and only working for pay a few months a year.  A very big change is definitely on the horizon.   I am excited - I always thought I would work until 70 at least - I am young, strong, healthy and do enjoy what I do for a living and now something else shows itself on the horizon.  

A refined life - what does that mean???  It means having time to wake up and do nothing.  It means giving of my time to causes I care about - including (especially) The Grief Project.  It means taking a daytime yoga class - walking in the woods - writing, disciplined writing.  Or it means doing nothing, if that's what strikes my fancy.  

I means the biggest transformation in my life since Tom died.  Whenever I think about it I am filled with a sense of excitement and anticipation (and a tinge of fear too) - I am preparing to step out into the next great adventure of my life.   Another Journey to a New Life.  There is much more to come...................

 

Done

Here I am - Monday evening.  Sucking it all in.  Mourning the loss of a dream - knowing that this was the best action I could take.

I am happy that I finally posted a photo of him ---- he is was so important in my life.  Saturday afternoon I told him that "we" were over.  I am sad but committed to myself and the future.

More to come...............................

Update Two

Just when you think everything is OK -- last Sunday, my weird symptoms returned. Sunday afternoon I went to the Emergency Room and they kept me for observation. I had another MRI on Sunday evening and it was conclusive that not only was I not having another incident, they no longer could see the mark from the earlier stroke.

On Monday, I had the heart test (TEE) to be sure I had no heart abnormality that could cause problems - that test came back totally negative. The neurologist told me that cardiologists generally find something wrong with everyone's heart and couldn't find anything wrong with mine.

Dr. H thinks that perhaps my anxiety got the best of me on Sunday - after all I know too much (first-hand) about what a stroke can do to a person in the long-term.

On Monday late afternoon I was released from the hospital and given a clean bill of health. I can return to working out and resume all my daily activities. I was given quite a bit of sedatives for all these tests and so I slept most of the day Tuesday. I also have taken some quiet time to reflect on everything that happened - it had a positive outcome and for that, I am very grateful. I am here now and ready to resume my life journey.

What a trip this has been - thank you for your messages, prayers and positive thoughts. I have been off my exercise and eating program for a week and am ready to jump back in.

I am totally grateful for my life, for the sunshine outside my window right now, for my friends that helped me during this past week, for my home, for the Spring that is happening under the melting snow, and that I can return = renewed and ready for the next steps on the journey.

Thank you so much for being my companions and my inspiration on the journey.

Update......

I just came back from Neurologist. They think I might have had a little stroke,  not a TIA, a stroke for god's sake - amazing.

The doc thought so too - he said that with my profile of healthy eating, lots of exercise, no clogged arteries (MRI looked at my carotid arteries and all the arteries in my neck going to brain), no heart problems, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol - that I am "the last in line" for a stroke. Go figure. The MRI showed a tiny "scar" on the left side of my thalamus - a tiny pinpoint that happened in the last 3-4 days.

 I am fine - the dizziness and tingly hand and foot have resolved themselves. My energy is coming back. Of course, after watching Tom have a stroke in front of me - after living nearly 5 years in stroke disability and recovery - it makes me sad and a bit nervous. The doc said to not worry - I am healthy and that it was an isolated incident. He will continue to see me and monitor things for a while. So strange - I am so healthy - no medications, no "conditions", not much illness to speak of.

Sure has made me reflect and take time to think - I didn't sleep much last night. I am going to take a nap now - it has been a really full couple of days. Life is mysterious. I love each of you very much - you are a treasure to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. xo

Well

For the past three days I have been feeling dizzy, a bit disoriented, and a little clumsy once in awhile. Yesterday I stayed home and slept all day. Today I went to the doctor.

I am not a person who is a big user of western medicine. I am very healthy. I take no prescription medications. I workout most days every week - weight training, pilates, and cardio. I eat healthy - lean protein, veggies, whole grains. I do NOT eat fast food, EVER. I do not smoke - five years now. By and large - I am healthy, active, vital.

It turns out that sometime in the last 2 to 3 days I had a very small stroke - OMG = my faithful readers know I have a history with stroke - that is what killed Tom. This was a tiny TIA but still - what a shock. I had an MRI today and a full cardio workup - I have no clogged arteries - I have nothing that needs surgery or other intervention. Tomorrow I go to the neurologist. The doctor wants me to take a full aspirin a day - instead of the two baby aspirin I usually take.

This has been a scary thing - but yet, the doc wanted to rule out brain tumor so I guess all is good. Life is precious - make sure you are living it the way you want. More to come........

Inspiration

I do not know where I found this quote - it has been in my computer files for a couple of years and I ran across it on Saturday. It is my guiding light at this time. I hope you enjoy it - if anyone knows from whence it came, please let me know.

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Pack nothing. Bring only your determination to serve and your willingness to be free. Don’t wait for the bread to rise. Take nourishment for the journey, but eat standing, be ready to move at a moment’s notice.

Do not hesitate to leave your old ways behind - fear silence and submission. Only surrender to the need of the time to love justice and walk humbly with your God.
Begin quickly, before you have time to sink back into old slavery. Set out in the dark. I will send fire to warm and encourage you. I will be with you in the fire and I will be with you in the cloud.

I will give you dreams in the desert to guide you safely home to that place you have not yet seen….I am sending you into the wilderness to make a new way and to learn my ways more deeply.

Some of you will be so changed by weathers and wanderings that even your closest friends will have to learn your features as though for the first time. Some of you will not change at all.

Some will be abandoned by your dearest loves and misunderstood by those who have known you since birth and feel abandoned by you. Some will find new friendship in unlikely faces, and old friends as faithful, and true as the pillar of God’s flame.

Sing songs as you go, and hold close together. You may at times grow confused and lose your way….touch each other and keep telling the stories. Make maps as you go, remembering the way back from before you were born.

So you will be only the first of many waves of deliverance on these desert seas. It is the first of many beginnings, your Paschaltide.

Remain true to this mystery. Pass on the whole story….Do not go back. I am with you now and I am waiting for you.

Life Transitions

I see a new path emerging before me - it is just ahead and yet still out of focus. Since January, I have been working on being in the moment in my meditations, bodywork and other spiritual practices. In the moment, in the moment - and then this siren song of something just ahead.

Things are different after one turns 60 - at least it is for me. I want more time. I want to spend a month in California with my mother. I want to see my grandchildren more often. I want to spend a month in Seattle. I want to get up in the morning and have coffee on the deck. I want to spend more time with my art, my writing and creative pursuits. I want time. This does not mean I want to stop working all together. It does mean that I want to stop working full-time - at least for a stretch of time. A sabbatical.

I have all my classes/retreats scheduled at the Center for Loss and Life Transition. If all goes as planned, I will earn my Grief Counseling Certification in June 2009, opening new doors and new professional pursuits. I want time in the mix of these changes and new experiences. I must remind myself to take a step at a time - a moment at a time - a breath at a time.