Intentions

Happy New Year to Everyone. Back to work today in the REALLY freezing cold, substantially below zero degrees at 9:30 am.

I have set some intentions for the weeks ahead. They are

- Back to the gym for three times per week weight training
- Minimum of 20 minutes Cardio AT target heart rate at least 3 days a week
- Be mindful of my food portions and cut wine with dinner
- Meditation every day

This is my twelve week project. I really put the weight training into my weekly routine and made it habit. I am now ready to do the Cardio as a regular part of my fitness routine. I will not/refuse to diet. I do however need to be more mindful of portions and only eat when I am really hungry. That old oral deal from quitting smoking is really hard to break. It will be two years on April 23 and I am dedicated to working on the weight I gained during this time. I am so much more healthy and feel great - now it is time to do the next steps.

I have other intentions for 2008 - these are the first I want to post. I have been mentally preparing for this for the past month or so - here we go.

The Last Day

This year has been a difficult year. This year has been a year of growth. This year has been one that I am glad to not repeat but glad that I traversed its path.

I am here alone. Missing my husband more than I have for awhile. Looking to the future - not just the next new year. Looking at the horizon - what is ahead? It is so strange to look with a long view, since all we have is this moment in which we sit - the NOW. Yet, I am compelled to attempt that long view - what is ahead? What is my destiny?

When you lose your mate, one of the things that happens is your dreams, your hopes, the future you were building, die with that person. It takes so long to begin to regain the desire, let alone the ability, to think about the future in any coherent fashion.

When Tom first died, my mantra was, "just give me a postage stamp sized piece of ground on which to place my feet, so I can move forward." That was just enough to put one foot in front of the other and most days, it was impossible to stay in the present for very long.

Here today - what are my dreams? What do I want? Where am I going? What is my future? The one thing I know for sure, life is transitory - I could be gone in a flash. The other is - life is precious.

Tonight is a night for reflection, for reading, for talking with friends on the phone, cooking a few nice things to eat and a great bottle of California Chardonnay to open. I will be back to blog later. The most important thing at this moment - this NOW is

to tell each of you that visit here, thank you my friends - how you bring meaning to my life, how I value you - I send love and good wishes to you on this last day of the year. May next year hold all blessings and joy for you. Happy New Year.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, "they are inseparable."

Kahlil Gibran

Remembering

Once we sit the vigil of our beloved's final day,

life is transformed in ways that only time will reveal.

Time knows what we will learn.

There is an emptiness that is never filled again

and yet

time graces us with wisdom beyond time

Here in the Napa Valley

Happy Christmas, Kwanza and the New Year to come. I have not been on line much since my arrival in California last Thursday. The weather has been stunning - warm, sunny, green, blooming flowers, blue skies all around.

I am thinking of all my blog sisters and brothers - I will be home late on Saturday, December 29th. I look forward to reading about your year-end reflections and to having an opportunity to post some of mine. Thinking of each of you.

Making Plans

I am getting ready to go to the California wine country to visit with my mother from December 20 to 29. It will be lovely to see my mom and to spend time with her. And then there is another reason.

It is sooooo cold here - our average December temperature is 30+ degrees - it has been 0 to 17 degrees here for days. Today it was 59 in Yountville!!!!! It looks like shorts and flip-flop weather in comparison.

My friend V is going to arrive on December 22 and spend time with us. He and I are going to stay one night in a french country inn and the rest of the time just hang out at my mother's house. It is a beautiful little town and my mom is very excited to welcome us.

What are your holiday plans?

Latkes are in my Future

I have been up since early this morning - cooking chicken soup and getting ready to have friends for a Hanukah supper this evening. We will light two menorahs and I will cook a bzillion latkes (potato pancakes) ------ mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The applesauce is cooked and last night I roasted big Comice pears in vanilla sugar and a dab of butter for dessert.

It is very cold outside this morning - it warm inside and the smells are heavenly. Happy Saturday.

Pictures from November 14th

In the week before the third anniversary of Tom's death, I layered the green plastic vase cones from the cemetery with many, many coats of gel medium, acrylic paint and painted different motifs on each one. I then put the "everlasting flowers" in green foam and placed them in the cones.

Here they are - it made me feel good to make and to leave them at graveside. November 14th was a bitterly cold, windy day at Fort Snelling and the flower arrangements felt warm and representative of my love for Tom.

Each anniversary mitigates the pain - each step along the path brings me to the next. Tom, forever in my heart - my life moves forward. Joy abides within.

Happy Hanukkah

In my yard this morning

We did not have a substantial snowfall last year until December 31 - it is definitely snowing here today. These pictures were taken at 10:30 this morning - it is 2:30 pm and it shows no sign of stopping.

A wonderful treat, the snow comes on a Saturday. No driving, no meetings. Just indoors - warm and cozy. Books, hot soup, music, solitude. Doesn't get much better than this right now.

Snow is in My Future

Immediate future that is. They are predicting a 4 to 8 inch snowfall beginning tomorrow around noon. I will post snow pictures during the weekend.

I was suffering with a cold all during Thanksgiving, by Tuesday this week, I was healed and felt great. On Wednesday, it returned! Ratz!!!

I worked from home today. I am taking advil, zinc, vitamin c, and drinking lots of fluids. My weekend plan: stay warm, drink tea, read, maybe do an art project, watch a couple of movies, eat the curried carrot soup I made tonight and just get better.

Winter is on the doorstep.

Back in the Gym

and it feels great. I got a bit sidetracked between my rotten cold and the holiday. I have renewed my focus on nutrition and am being very mindful of my food choices at each meal.

BRRRRRRRRRRRR - it really cold here - like January - this morning it was zero degrees when I got up. That's right ZERO DEGREES.

I have been busy with back to work, back to workout and getting the house back in order after company --- time to catch up.

Happy Thanksgiving

Cooking onions, mushrooms, celery, sage, sausage, butter - preparing the turkey and counting my many blessings this morning. Huge, wonderful smells permeate the house.

We are here in the first snowfall of the season. A dusting overnight and now, big fluffy flakes tumbling past the window - covering the deck, frosting the trees. The perfect Thanksgiving morning.

My heart to each of you today. So much gratitude for this blogging community. Have a wonderful day.

Thanksgiving Dinner

My friend V is arriving on Tuesday night - my friend photogirl is joining us for Thanksgiving dinner. Gratitude - giving thanks. I am cleaning, dreaming, counting my blessings and planning the dinner.

What are you cooking/eating for Thanksgiving OR what is your most memorable Thanksgiving?

Angels on this Earth

I found Tom on the floor of our home office on Thursday, November 11th at 5 pm - Tom died at 7:15am November 14, 2004. So many people stepped forward and held us in their arms.

Lisa, Joan, Steve, Bonnie, Bernie, Vanessa, Heidi, Jonathan, Susan, Ann, Hope, Patsy, Rob, Shereda, Mark --- you did everything - I love you and will never forget.

Beginning in the hospital - standing with me as I made the tough decision to remove life support; sitting with me as we held Tom on his final journey.

Going to the funeral home. Selecting casket and clothes. Visiting with the Pastor. Assisting the children and grandchildren to travel safely, be met at the airport and taken home.

Placing all the phone calls - talking with shocked friends. Helping to make decisions no one is prepared to make.

Kicking me in the butt when I did not "want a funeral." Taking the flowers while no one was home; arranging for the food at the service and at the wake at home; making sure the cleaning person came; taking care of all the children during the visitation.

Answering the constant phone calls, talking with people who loved Tom so much and those who worked with him and were stunned by his abrupt departure.

Finding all the papers needed for the military burial. Working with the boys to finish getting the house ready for winter. Being here after everyone went home.

Your unwavering support, your constant love and care saved me so many times. You allowed me to see glimpses of life when I did not believe there was a life ahead.

You were our angels. You, my treasured friends, are angels on this earth. I am healing - standing up with hope and with a new life emerging. These days of remembrance are difficult. Last year, my life ahead felt like a tunnel. Today, my life feels like a sunrise.

I will forever bless each of you. In eternal gratitude, I send my deepest appreciation and love to you.

An email I received today

Suzann—
I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you this week and hoping it is a time of peaceful remembrance for you. I can still see Tom in my mind’s eye. I simply don’t remember him from photos—I can actually picture what he looks like standing in a room. I consider this remarkable because I have trouble remembering many more people who were closer to me; I can’t recall their faces without referencing a picture from the past. Tom was a man with lots of impact—a quiet strength that continues to live on these years later. I know he’ll be with you on this anniversary, cheering you to keep moving forward. He continues to live on in your heart and mine. Please let me know if you need anything—you are in my thoughts! HHB


The angels on this earth - I am blessed.

PS This is post 301 - how amazing.