I am here alone. Missing my husband more than I have for awhile. Looking to the future - not just the next new year. Looking at the horizon - what is ahead? It is so strange to look with a long view, since all we have is this moment in which we sit - the NOW. Yet, I am compelled to attempt that long view - what is ahead? What is my destiny?
When you lose your mate, one of the things that happens is your dreams, your hopes, the future you were building, die with that person. It takes so long to begin to regain the desire, let alone the ability, to think about the future in any coherent fashion.
When Tom first died, my mantra was, "just give me a postage stamp sized piece of ground on which to place my feet, so I can move forward." That was just enough to put one foot in front of the other and most days, it was impossible to stay in the present for very long.
Here today - what are my dreams? What do I want? Where am I going? What is my future? The one thing I know for sure, life is transitory - I could be gone in a flash. The other is - life is precious.
Tonight is a night for reflection, for reading, for talking with friends on the phone, cooking a few nice things to eat and a great bottle of California Chardonnay to open. I will be back to blog later. The most important thing at this moment - this NOW is
to tell each of you that visit here, thank you my friends - how you bring meaning to my life, how I value you - I send love and good wishes to you on this last day of the year. May next year hold all blessings and joy for you. Happy New Year.
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, "they are inseparable."
Kahlil Gibran
Yup, Northern California vs. Minnesota is a very different scenario. I hope you had a wonderful trip visiting your mom and being with your friend, however.
ReplyDeleteBut, your grief continues and though I wish the pain would pass, I know you must go through it at your own pace. My sis (84) whose husband died in April is struggling through this holiday season, but she has done it with grace and I know you have, too. She got a present for him and bought a present for herself so there would be something under the tree. She cried when she told me about it. Sigh!
I'm home alone tonight myself, by choice, but will go down and sit by the fire and enjoy one last night of the Christmas tree while I write.
Happy new year, Suzann.
Happy New Year, Suzann. 2008 is supposed to be a 1 to numerologists which means a new beginning. I hope it will prove that '07 ended your time of sharp grief. I know you will always love Tom but in a way that allows you to do so without pain and with only pleasure at what you had, not what you lost. There is a time to hold on and a time to release. Neither are always easy but it's being able to do each that makes for a satisfying life experience.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year wishes, Suzann. I hope it is filled with many delightful surprises, new journeys, and good health. It has been a hard year, indeed. It also seemed to fly.
ReplyDeleteNOW is all we have for certain and how many moments have we all lost worrying about or planning for a future event (sometimes ones that never even happened). But, it is wonderful to hear you thinking about the future with curiosity. I suspect survival of the moment, getting through the day or night was all that occupied your thoughts for a long time.
Thanks for sharing the Gibran passage.
The most beautiful of new years to you my dear friend....I think you have a lot to look forward to this year....much joy...even in reflection. You are already blessed.... ~Joy
ReplyDeleteSuzann,
ReplyDeleteyou are important for many people that loves you. Even for blogger Friends.
What have happened to you can happen to everybody the very next minute. That's why you and your story is important, besides you are you.
Best Wishes