Monday, November 20, 2006

Autumn in the Wine Country


One of the most wonderful things about coming home -- I took these pictures around the corner from the house. Stag's Leap in the mist - vineyards decked out in the Autumn colors.

We ate Dungeness Crab for supper & whole wheat sour dough bread with excellent extra virgin olive oil - lemons picked right off the tree in the side yard. Steely cold Chardonnay - heaven right here on earth.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

California

I have traveled home to Yountville - I will be here until November 27th. Beautiful Autumn in the wine country. Pictures are forthcoming.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The Tree #5



Here are the bare bones of this incredible tree. Autumn sun. Winter can wait for now.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Great American Smoke Out 2006

Enough said.....................I am so happy to report and feel healthy on this day.

206 days, 21 hours, 35 minutes and 9 seconds smoke free.

3103 cigarettes not smoked.
$698.62 and 23 days, 16 hours of your life saved.

Your quit date: 4/23/2006 9:35:00 PM

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Attitude of Gratitude




I have been solitary this past four days. Yesterday, I read the journal I kept every day for the first six months after Tom died. It is scary, the pain leaps from the page and sears the skin off my face. It is only the second time I have read it - the first being last year on November 14th.

So much pain, so much loss and then so much gratitude. Gratitude for having Tom. Gratitude for unconditional love. Gratitude for memories to last my lifetime. Gratitude for children and grandchildren. Gratitude for friends. Gratitude for the angels that cared for Tom and I during those dark days and nights from November 11 through the 14th. The nurses of Woodwinds ICU are an amazing group of women. I will never forget their kindness, their care and their love.

Tom died with dignity and respect. In the last 24 hours of his life, it was less a medical intervention than a solemn farewell - hours sitting in the dark holding his hand. Hours spent lying in bed talking with him in the middle of the night. Friends and family coming to spend time with him. The music he loved, softly playing on CD.

And always - the nurses, there to provide the steady, loving presence to the very end. I am grateful today for each of them. I am grateful today for the angels in my life who continue to hold me as I build a new life, including so many of my blog sisters. I am grateful that I know love in so many forms. In the end of the day, love is all that matters.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Forever in My Heart

Thomas William Murray

April 23, 1935 - November 14, 2004


Our Strength and Our Guide



Notes from the Other Side

I divested myself of despair
and fear when I came here.

Now there is no more catching
one's own eye in the mirror,

there are no bad books, no plastic,
no insurance premiums, and of course

no illness. Contrition
does not exist, nor gnashing

of teeth. No one howls as the first
clod of earth hits the casket.

The poor we no longer have with us.
Our calm hearts strike only the hour,

and God, as promised, proves
to be mercy clothed in light.

Jane Kenyon

Monday, November 13, 2006

Seasons Change - Love is Constant













My dear friend and neighbor, V and I, put the front "garden" to bed. That's right, the incredible container garden that lives in the front of our unit - is safely stored away in our garages to sleep until the spring - when life is called forth anew.

I cooked dinner for my women friends on Saturday night and now am just spending my quiet reflective time as I mark this anniversary and the change of seasons. I am here lost in memories - pain and joy in equal measure. Hope and love are the opportunities at the heart of loss. Namaste.

Making Meaning

It is the middle of night and I have been reading and walking around the house; thinking of the events of two years ago. November 11, 12, 13, 14, 2004. Last year, I was just too numb. I cannot remember what I did except to cook dinner for the 15 angels in my life. Those friends who held me together during year one. The rest of those days, as I look back, are just a blur.

Today is the two year mark of the day I had to make the decision to remove the life supports - the toughest decision I have ever had to make.

Here it is dark outside at nearly 4 am - I can't help but remember holding the warm hand of my husband - unable to comprehend what lay ahead. I am home for the next two days - just to reflect, to make meaning, to look ahead - to honor, to grieve and to cherish the love between us.

Death ends a life not a relationship.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Chicago, Chicago

Yes - I am here for the last time to complete the leadership transition for our client. I am so glad to pass the baton to the next leader. This has been an incredible experience - one that will take a great deal of time to reflect on the lessons learned.

I do like Chicago - I want to come back and be a regular visitor -- go to the theater, eat in the great restaurants and see my friends.

I will be home on Thursday - be well.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Clock Moves Forward


Slowly now towards November 14th and the second anniversary of Tom's death. November is here and I can touch back to life as I knew it; to life as we were living it.

The second year is crazed. You are "better" because life moves on and you move too. You are raw and open to the pain - not like the first year. That first year when you cry without warning a million times a day.

The second year, when your tears fill your silent time, soak your pillow at night - hovering in the background as you rebuild life one step at a time. The time moves slowly forward and you learn to laugh again and feel the joy of life - and yet it is always there, floating just beyond your eyesight - that utter sadness and loss.

Last night I wept long into the night; something I have not done for so long. I miss my life and am totally confused because what is my life? Is it this new life I am forging and then - what of the life I loved, the dreams we shared, the warmth of your body in bed at night, the strength of your laugher echoing from the other room, the dancing in the kitchen, the apple fritters, hugs from behind while washing dishes. Growing old together is not to be. Oh weeping shadows on the wall - guide me as I reflect and continue to make meaning of this transformative journey.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Almost Done

I have been home since last Thursday and just working to transition this transition to a new Interim Director. Blessings abound. The new director starts on Monday and he is fabulous. I will be leaving for Chicago on Sunday afternoon for the last trip on this transition.

This project has been all consuming. I believe that their new person, Dr. K is the right leader for the time. He is ready to take them on the next steps of this journey. I think he is the leader for the long haul. What does success look like in doing this messy and crazy work? In a year, the organization stands on the hill in the sunshine - Mission Matters.

Some of the tough stuff is - I am approaching the second anniversary of Tom's spirit passing. I am meeting my obligations. I have moments that tear at my heart. I suppose being busy is what it is - I did give myself much time to grieve in the first year. Grieving now so different, not gone that's for sure.

I have reflections on the closure of the second year - but not now. Reflections in a day or two. Now I have to go and visit all my darling blog buddies. My heart to yours - across the miles.


Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Tree Through the Seasons #3 and #4




These pictures were taken three weeks apart. The first and third photos were taken this morning. Autumn is waning - it is clear, sunny and cold in my backyard today. The perfect day to rake leaves and breathe the unmistakable end of season air.

I got home late Thursday night and am leaving today at 3:30 pm for Phoenix. I will be there until Thursday afternoon. This project is about done. I am ready to stop the travel and the stress. It has been an incredible project - one that continues to require the gamut of our professional skills and consistent leadership.

I am looking forward to getting my life back - doing my art again, my blog, and my journals. One wonderful thing. Through all this stress, I am still a nonsmoker - tomorrow will be six months since I quit and I just don't think about smoking anymore. Hooray for me and my good health.

Thank you my blog buddies for hanging in with me through this busy period of my life. You are all the best!!


Thursday, October 12, 2006

My Beating Heart

Saturday is twenty-three months since Tom died. My heart beats so ferociously at times. The sadness sneaks up on me without warning. I made my dinner tonight and when I put the food on the plate all I could think was how much he would have liked to eat that dinner. I went to the store after work tonight and on the way home just burst into tears, Crying in the car = the widda way of life. I miss my husband. I am vulnerable tonight. Just longing for his smile, his arms, his kisses, his laughter from the other room. Oh my sweet darling. Forever in my heart.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

SNOW AND MORE


That's right - our first snow today. Not much but enough that it was a little white-out for about 5 minutes. That is one of the interesting things about living in Minnesota - in this northern latitude, there is a diversity of weather. It changes so fast.

I was taking JSB home from the office. Windshield wipers shushing real snow off the window - incredibly windy with swirling icy snow and two blocks later, the sun was shining and the only traces of snow were rimes of ice on the edges of the grass.

The conference was amazing. The courage of groups of people to work together, to make really tough decisions, to respect one another's opinions, even when they disagree - an honor to be a part of supporting that delicate work. They did it - a new transformative vision.

I am on my way to Chicago on Sunday until Thursday - hard stuff ahead but the assignment will be over the end of the month. It appears that the organization will have a new lease on the future and a fighting chance to prosper - their mission so important.

This has been a very difficult assignment. It has called forth the highest aspiration and expertise of Dendros - it has touched me deeply and been exhausting. One thing is true, I am certainly moving to a new place on the widda road - I could not have done this a few months ago.

A lovely postscript, the hotel in which the retreat was held is nearby the cemetary. At the end of the three days, every though we were exhausted, JSB and I took the flower centerpiece to Tom's grave before we came home. Lovely autumn Mums. A fitting end to the weekend.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Gifts

Today, I received a collage from a friend - the subject is the tree from my last post: "the sentinel in my backyard." I was really touched and have tried to upload it here many times but keep getting an error message so I cannot share it with you. I am blessed, gifts from friends, gifts from the Universe.

This weekend is the huge meeting of the board of our client for which we have been working since August. It will be a difficult meeting; it will be a transformational meeting. Hold my partner, JSB and I in your hearts this weekend. Hold the board in your thoughts as well - the future of their organization is on the line. They have the courage to lead. Namaste.