Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Clock Moves Forward
Slowly now towards November 14th and the second anniversary of Tom's death. November is here and I can touch back to life as I knew it; to life as we were living it.
The second year is crazed. You are "better" because life moves on and you move too. You are raw and open to the pain - not like the first year. That first year when you cry without warning a million times a day.
The second year, when your tears fill your silent time, soak your pillow at night - hovering in the background as you rebuild life one step at a time. The time moves slowly forward and you learn to laugh again and feel the joy of life - and yet it is always there, floating just beyond your eyesight - that utter sadness and loss.
Last night I wept long into the night; something I have not done for so long. I miss my life and am totally confused because what is my life? Is it this new life I am forging and then - what of the life I loved, the dreams we shared, the warmth of your body in bed at night, the strength of your laugher echoing from the other room, the dancing in the kitchen, the apple fritters, hugs from behind while washing dishes. Growing old together is not to be. Oh weeping shadows on the wall - guide me as I reflect and continue to make meaning of this transformative journey.