Slowly now towards November 14th and the second anniversary of Tom's death. November is here and I can touch back to life as I knew it; to life as we were living it.
The second year is crazed. You are "better" because life moves on and you move too. You are raw and open to the pain - not like the first year. That first year when you cry without warning a million times a day.
The second year, when your tears fill your silent time, soak your pillow at night - hovering in the background as you rebuild life one step at a time. The time moves slowly forward and you learn to laugh again and feel the joy of life - and yet it is always there, floating just beyond your eyesight - that utter sadness and loss.
Last night I wept long into the night; something I have not done for so long. I miss my life and am totally confused because what is my life? Is it this new life I am forging and then - what of the life I loved, the dreams we shared, the warmth of your body in bed at night, the strength of your laugher echoing from the other room, the dancing in the kitchen, the apple fritters, hugs from behind while washing dishes. Growing old together is not to be. Oh weeping shadows on the wall - guide me as I reflect and continue to make meaning of this transformative journey.
Oh, Suzann, I grieve with you. Thanks for reading at Sacred Ordinary. Did you read Joan Didion's "A Year of Magical Thinking?" I read the extended excerpt in the New York Times Magazine, but it hurt so much, I never tackled the book. My psychologist friend, who is with me tonight, says that in her professional circles, this book is the finest ever written about grieving.
ReplyDeleteAs always Suzann, you express yourself in such a touching deep way...I cannot "feel" what you feel, but I feel for your terrible loss and for the baby steps and leaps that you are making in this ....Well, I won't say "new life"...but, with your life without your dear husband...and I send you big hugs, my dear....!
ReplyDeleteI have known many women who have gone down this road that you are traveling and everyone of them has said the the second year is so very much harder than the first for the exact reasons you have shared....you are an amazing woman and it is very meaningful to read about your journey and travel this road with you----it is a privelage Suzann...and an honor.
How lovely to hear from you today! I wish you lived closer - I am sure we would be fast friends!
ReplyDeleteYour travel through this sadness and loss has touched me so deeply. I am so proud of you for continuing to remain smoke-free! You are amazing in so many ways - strong, resilient, willful. I know your life has taken on a new profile, is navigating unfamiliar territory, has left you wondering what to expect and what life even means anymore. I know it is hard and lonely and scary and sad much of the time - probably often when you are not inundated with work and/or submerged in projects. The recent work has given you a break from the intensity of the pain. Breaks are good and necessary. Sometimes people who are living through loss feel guilty and like they are abandoning loved ones when they don't feel the pain so intensely...of course, they aren't.
I also know that you have gained strength, insight, and wisdom from all you have experienced - that your life serves as a guide to others in ways you may not even realize yet. You are such a remarkable woman, Suzann. Know that you are not alone, no matter how alone you may feel at times...you have so many people in your court, cheering you on, keeping you close at heart and in thought and prayer. I am only one of many.
FYI: An update here - My mother recently had 2 heart attacks, one massive, both turning my life upside down with worry. We traveled 3,000 miles and will go back at the end of this month.
Bogger issues have destroyed my joy in posting. I continue to hope these will resolve. Eventually I may find a new blog service. Do stay in touch. Send your email address via my blog which has moderated comments that are not automatically published.
I miss my life and am totally confused because what is my life? Is it this new life I am forging and then - what of the life I loved, the dreams we shared..."
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard, isn't it? Even as we continue living and changing, we look back and say "Wait a minute. Where is my life?" I just wrote something about that in my blog this morning.
I wish you peace, my sister on the journey, especially in these days of keen awareness.
November...will it ever be the same again Suzann? I'm right next to you sweetie. Can you feel my hugs?
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad to read your words and the pain in them. I hope that the coming year will b easier for you. You will never cease missing what is no longer with you, but you can take joy in knowing you had it and some never know that blessing. If we think that life is more than the flesh, that spirit stays connected and there will be a rejoining, maybe that helps.
ReplyDeleteJust stopped in to say hi. Hugs Cliff
ReplyDeleteHave you taken the right vitamin lately? Is your body answering that question right now? Shocking truth about why this whole food vitamin has set a new standard! This can improve your quality of life.
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