Pushing myself towards the future - being pulled into the past. Such a crazy time. I miss Tom - I am in transition - such a crazy time. This time of year is so difficult. I am home in solitude. Push/Pull.
Tom was not Jewish. We did not put up a tree but we did celebrate both holidays. In other words, there is a Christmas tradition around here. Push/Pull.
I am cleaning files and organizing the office in preparation of the New Year. Yesterday afternoon I found our financial plan that was created in 2001; the plan we were working from when Tom died. Our financial planner created a new plan for me in 2005. Push/Pull.
If Tom showed up on the doorstep tonight, he would not recognize this remodeled house. Yet, the furniture is the same. Push/Pull.
I know that Tom is dead. He is not coming back. It may sound strange for me to write that after two years. Things come in layers in this grief journey. I have had to learn things over and over; it is a matter of degrees. I know he is dead. His spirit rests within me - he is not coming back. I am alive. This is a new and major part of this transition. I am alive.