Sunday, December 31, 2006
Continuing with the theme of the last post - when you are ready: the top of the small bookcase in my office, began with a couple of pictures and grew over the last two years into a shrine of sorts to Tom. Angels, crytals, rocks, shells, pictures, quotes, sweet grass wreath, and candles, candles, candles.
This place became a focal point of Tom's spirit for me. Tonight, I carefully packed away all the angels and polished the top of the bookcase.
I love the remaining picture. He is standing in our kitchen one night after work, which was our special time to share a cocktail, talk about our day and reconnect.
I found that picture in a pile of snapshots, after he died. Our brother Steve scanned it and sent it to me named, "Thomas the Great." My sister, Photogirl, used photoshop to clean it up and make it 8 by 10. When I look at that big smile, those beautiful hands - it is just Tom to the core.
A month ago, I would not have thought of dismantling "Tom's spot." Tonight I was ready. What is readiness? I do not know. It is not a certain number of steps on the widda road. I remember in the first year I asked, "how long will it take?" Today, I have no idea what "it" means because I will never be "over" the death of my husband. I am a different woman than the one who held Tom as he made his final journey.
I am ready now. At the end of last year I said, "I am moving to a new seat in the auditorium." Tonight I say, "I am moving to a new auditorium." We create our world with our thoughts - we are connected each of us - and tonight, I am looking forward.