Friday, December 22, 2006

To and Fro

Pushing myself towards the future - being pulled into the past. Such a crazy time. I miss Tom - I am in transition - such a crazy time. This time of year is so difficult. I am home in solitude. Push/Pull.

Tom was not Jewish. We did not put up a tree but we did celebrate both holidays. In other words, there is a Christmas tradition around here. Push/Pull.

I am cleaning files and organizing the office in preparation of the New Year. Yesterday afternoon I found our financial plan that was created in 2001; the plan we were working from when Tom died. Our financial planner created a new plan for me in 2005. Push/Pull.

If Tom showed up on the doorstep tonight, he would not recognize this remodeled house. Yet, the furniture is the same. Push/Pull.

I know that Tom is dead. He is not coming back. It may sound strange for me to write that after two years. Things come in layers in this grief journey. I have had to learn things over and over; it is a matter of degrees. I know he is dead. His spirit rests within me - he is not coming back. I am alive. This is a new and major part of this transition. I am alive.


  1. Each transition is certainly a tough but illuminating thing, isn't it!
    I hope your Holiday will be a good one Suzann, within the context of all these many feelings that you share so eloguently with us...!

  2. yes, you ARE alive and i, for one, give thanks for that fact and for having the great, good luck to meet you here! happy holidays, suzann. i hope the coming year will bring even more ease in this winding journey and many wonderful surprises! :)

  3. Suzann, thank you for your visits to my blog. I didn't realize that you, too, had lost a spouse. That sure is the hardest thing to live through and I had no idea how hard until I had to experience it myself. We will never forget our loved ones but time does make it a bit easier to get through each day. I am listing you in my favorites and will be back regularly.

    I found a wonderful poem this last Valentine's Day that I will use some of your space to list here for you:

    Within You

    If I be the first of us to die,
    Let grief not blacken long your sky.
    Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
    There is a change but not a leaving.
    For just as death is part of life,
    The dead live on forever in the living.
    And all the gathered riches of our journey,
    The moments shared, the mysteries explored,
    The steady layering of intimacy stored,
    The things that made us laugh or weep or sing,
    The joy of sunlit snow or first unfurling of the spring,
    The wordless language of look and touch,
    The knowing,
    Each giving and each taking,
    These are not flowers that fade,
    Nor trees that fall and crumble,
    Nor are they stone,
    For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand
    And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
    What we were, we are.
    What we had, we have.
    A conjoined past imperishably present.
    So when you walk the wood where once we walked together
    And scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
    Or pause where we always did upon the hill to gaze across the land,
    And spotting something, reach by habit for my hand,
    And finding none, feel sorrow start to steal upon you,
    Be still.
    Close your eyes.
    Listen for my footfall in your heart.
    I am not gone but merely walk within you.

    S. Hancock

  4. May God bless you and keep you safe. :)

  5. Push/Pulling right along with you my sweet girl. I can only hope you pull in the very best of what life offers you every day you are on this earth. You are alive beautifully alive. Joy, love, and peace to you now and always my dear friend...Love, Joy

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