Monday, November 13, 2006

Making Meaning

It is the middle of night and I have been reading and walking around the house; thinking of the events of two years ago. November 11, 12, 13, 14, 2004. Last year, I was just too numb. I cannot remember what I did except to cook dinner for the 15 angels in my life. Those friends who held me together during year one. The rest of those days, as I look back, are just a blur.

Today is the two year mark of the day I had to make the decision to remove the life supports - the toughest decision I have ever had to make.

Here it is dark outside at nearly 4 am - I can't help but remember holding the warm hand of my husband - unable to comprehend what lay ahead. I am home for the next two days - just to reflect, to make meaning, to look ahead - to honor, to grieve and to cherish the love between us.

Death ends a life not a relationship.


  1. My heart goes out to you my dear friend. Wish I could say things will get better but I can't. Easier maybe...It was four years for me this Sept. and I still feel the emptiness. Take care...hang in there.

  2. You must know how much I'm thinking about you now Suzann. These are not the kind of anniversaries we look forward to; but here they are to deal with. I pray you find comfort in the love you and Tom had together. I know it's impossible NOT to think about those last days together...I've been doing the same thing sweetie. I'm sending you love and support..hoping it will help get you through these hard days. Always, Joy

  3. It's hard as to live fully in this life, we have to learn to love fully and yet loving means physically sometime we will lose what we love-- or they will lose us. It's true for our children, mates, even pets. I hope that it will get easier for you but without feeling any need to love your husband less. That's the one thing I have come to believe when I have lost someone I loved very much-- that we can know we will love them forever but still be happy and maybe even find new loves of different sorts.

  4. Holding you in my heart, walking the road with you...

  5. I can certainly understand why this is a time of change for you, too, Suzann. I had forgotten that you had lost your husband only two years ago. It takes a long time to grieve--a lifetime, really.

    Jane Kenyon's poem "Notes from the Other Side" is one I haven't seen, but will make note of.

    Your garden is going into hibernation, and you probably are, too. That's probably what a lot of the change feelings are about.