During my recent vacation, I spent many hours reflecting on this journey I did not ask to take and on my future - the next steps.
The thought of moving on brings pangs of guilt and fear - isn't moving on a betrayal of our love, our life, our marriage, our plans, our dreams?
While in Florida, Tom came to me in many ways - with persistence and a big push - his message: "live, live, live - honor our life together and our love - embrace your new life, let your creativity blossom, let your spirit soar."
I returned with plans for a new future. I am wiser, more resilient and patient from being incinerated in the fire of grief and pain. I feel the vastness of spirit and have been touched by the unseen in profound ways.
Tomorrow is seventeen months since Tom's passing. The pain will never completely cease to exist. Yet, my guy continues to nudge me. To move forward I do have to let go of our dreams and plans. Our love remains intact through all time and eternity.
"For millions of years, before you arrived here, the dream of your individuality was carefully prepared. You were sent to a shape of destiny in which you would be able to express the special gift you bring to the world. Sometimes this gift may involve suffering and pain that can neither be accounted for nor explained. Each one of us has something to do here that can be done by no one else. It is in the depths of your life that you will discover the invisible necessity that has brought you here. When you begin to decipher this, your gift and giftedness comes alive. Your heart quickens and the urgency of living rekindles your creativity."
John O'Donohue, Anam Cara