Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Wandering and Wondering

Ratz, I am still having a difficult time sleeping. My body has gotten into a pattern of wanting to stay up all night and sleep all day. I am trying my best to get out of it - but tough.

I am just about healed from the fall - still a little tender in the ribs - but should be able to start exercising soon.

The second year of bereavement is weird. I am not in the weeping, paralyzed place I was last year. I have definitely moved on = moved on where? What is this sleeplessness? I feel Tom very close to me most of the time. I look at his picture and know his body is gone. Yet, the world is still just off kilter somehow.

I am blessed to have so many people who care deeply about me. I am not lonely. Even though I do spend a good deal of time alone. I enjoy my solitude - my books, my music, a movie, cooking something good to eat. I went to the library on Saturday - have been saying I would do this for the past 6 six months - success. It was fun, got lots of good books. Baby steps.

Bonnie and I are starting on her fish project on Friday. She will get a whole fish - scan it, and bring it to me. I will poach it and filet it - leaving the entire skeleton with head. She will then scan the skeleton and make her art. We have been talking about this since June. Good art, good food. More baby steps.

Winter is a strange time - more indoors, cold, dark - a time of hibernation in preparation for rebirth.

I am just a seed under the soil - waiting to sprout in the light of spring. Now, if only I could sleep.