My life has no context. Tom's death smashed all the things that provided a sense of underlying direction. It took the dreams and a future that included two and demolished them in an instant. Once the first months of paralysis and shock passed, I honored my grief - felt it, and worked with intentionality to walk through it with grace. If there is such a thing as strength-based bereavement - I tried to do just that. I called forth my natural resilience and knew that I would live. How long it would take to live again was unknowable.
I did not expect that once the first year passed that it would be "over." However, I did not expect to have the second year be as disconcerting as the past three weeks have been. So different than 2005, yet with many familiar overtones and undertows.
Yesterday, it occurred to me that my life lacks context. The fabric of my existence was ripped asunder the moment Tom's spirit passed. I have rebuilt many pieces, I have been embraced by many loving friends, I have continually felt gratitude for the honor of having been given and the opportunity to give, in return, unconditional love. I "moved on" to make difficult and lasting decisions like:
- Remodel the house
- Buy the investment property
- Sell the truck
- Give Paul the Porsche
- Gift or donate most of Tom's clothing
Where my life was once a rich tapestry of many cohesive elements, now it is akin to a patchwork quilt, in progress. Many patches in various stages of creation - no unifying seams.
Somehow, this realization is comforting. There is no simple, easy answer - other than the common thread that runs through grief. Time. It all takes time and it will take the amount of time that it will take. No shortcuts. Making meaning of this journey will help to reestablish the fabric of my life. Patiently knitting the pieces together.
While the ambiguity is excrutiating - there remains great opportunity to intentionally rebuild - slowly over time. What do you want to be? What I am becoming. Patience, persistence and a sense that the world is unfolding as it should.