Success!!

Woo Hoo! I have now leased both sides of the duplex with great tenants. I feel blessed - 215 tenants move in on February 11 and 217 tenants on March 1. Patience paid off - I showed those darned things so many times but have been picky and treated it like a business. I think both of the tenants will get along too - which was important to the overall scheme of things.

It is Saturday morning and I have been up since early - listening to music, cleaning up a bit after a crazy busy week and just enjoying the early morning hours including a lovely sunrise. It is supposed to be 54 degrees here today. Toto, are we in Minnesota????????????

There is still snow on the ground and it feels like spring is on the way - makes me want to dig in the dirt - be not fooled - this is Minnesota after all. We could (and probably will) be slammed with a huge snow storm one of these days soon. Oh well, I am grateful for the fabulous weather for the weekend.

I am going to breakfast with Bonnie this morning and then to Battle Creek Park for a nice walk. Then off to purchase some nice candles (good smells) and then do whatever strikes my fancy.

Valentine's Day World

I have been in stores in the last couple of days to get things for the duplex and for the retreat we are doing today for a client ---- Target was like "Valentine World" --- I had momentary "store" pangs of missing my baby darling. Not like times last year when I would just leave my cart and go to my car and cry -- but the sudden and unexpected knife cut to the heart of longing for him.

Last night as I got in bed to read - with the big pillow in the empty space beside me, I had a momentary flash of how far I have come to find comfort and solace in my own company and the new life I am building.

So here I am climbing out of my chasm of despair and carrying my lessons learned with me - now it is making meaning out of life's sudden destruction and the journey that is thrust upon one.

Windy

It is the most incredibly windy day - funny it was 37 degrees when I woke up at 5 am this morning - but the wind was so strong it was rattling the windows.

So, out into the wind for an exciting day = lots of wonderful new client projects and lots of exciting things to accomplish. I am so grateful for the current feeling of well being and balance. Gratitude for the small things of life that make it worth being on the planet. To heck with the big stuff - hooray for the smallest of blessings.

Great Weekend

What a hard working but wonderful weekend. Worked Saturday and Sunday and got so much done in the duplex. Kitchen is all done - second bedroom, almost finished. The creamy pale gold in the second bedroom is fabulous. Took two coats of primer and one coat of paint to cover that horrendous cranberry with white sponge painting but it's gone now.

Hard work, sunshine, progress - I am one happy girl tonight.

My OTHER Job

Good Morning - well I am off to paint in the duplex this morning. John is going to meet me and install the new cooktop and pull up the living room carpet. Hope that the hardwood floors under the carpet are in good shape {with fingers crossed}

I am going to primer the second bedroom and hopefully get most of the kitchen painted today. Then paint the bedroom tomorrow. I like the colors I picked out - a smoky, blue-gray for the kitchen and a warm neutral called "Sea Oats" for the bedroom. There are a million little things needing to be done so I can get top rent for it. Installing a handrail to the lower level, installing a clothes rod in the downstairs bedroom closet, filling little nail holes - whew! John promised me a day of work this week while I go off to my clients and earn the dough to pay him. Oh well - this is a long term investment strategy.

My OTHER job. Happy Saturday.

Gratitude

Feeling grounded again - after walking through the maelstrom of confusion and sadness {{again}}

It is such a relief to have days of energy and wonder return. It is marvelous to be fully engaged in the now, to be productive - in the truest sense of the word - to feel inspired by the work - to carry the love and experiences of my life FORWARD. I am filled with gratitude at the resilience of spirit.

For happiness one needs security, but joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Comfort in the Seemingly Mundane

Funny how simple things can bring the most comfort. I bought a nightie - it is rose colored with a tiny white snowflake pattern. It's floor-length and made of cotton knit. Very snuggly, very warm, very comforting. It is soft and feels like a hug. I can hardly take it off to launder it.

Take your comfort where you can find it.

Snow

Just drove back from a client board meeting in a beautiful snow storm. Pristine white - cold and silent. Everything slows down. The power and awe of nature.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

MARY OLIVER
Dream Work

Context

My life has no context. Tom's death smashed all the things that provided a sense of underlying direction. It took the dreams and a future that included two and demolished them in an instant. Once the first months of paralysis and shock passed, I honored my grief - felt it, and worked with intentionality to walk through it with grace. If there is such a thing as strength-based bereavement - I tried to do just that. I called forth my natural resilience and knew that I would live. How long it would take to live again was unknowable.

I did not expect that once the first year passed that it would be "over." However, I did not expect to have the second year be as disconcerting as the past three weeks have been. So different than 2005, yet with many familiar overtones and undertows.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that my life lacks context. The fabric of my existence was ripped asunder the moment Tom's spirit passed. I have rebuilt many pieces, I have been embraced by many loving friends, I have continually felt gratitude for the honor of having been given and the opportunity to give, in return, unconditional love. I "moved on" to make difficult and lasting decisions like:

- Remodel the house
- Buy the investment property
- Sell the truck
- Give Paul the Porsche
- Gift or donate most of Tom's clothing

Where my life was once a rich tapestry of many cohesive elements, now it is akin to a patchwork quilt, in progress. Many patches in various stages of creation - no unifying seams.

Somehow, this realization is comforting. There is no simple, easy answer - other than the common thread that runs through grief. Time. It all takes time and it will take the amount of time that it will take. No shortcuts. Making meaning of this journey will help to reestablish the fabric of my life. Patiently knitting the pieces together.

While the ambiguity is excrutiating - there remains great opportunity to intentionally rebuild - slowly over time. What do you want to be? What I am becoming. Patience, persistence and a sense that the world is unfolding as it should.

What the Hell is Wrong with Me Today

Actually slept last night - thank you! Feeling much better. Went to work - had a client board meeting, met with Heidi, came to my home office and worked.

When I got to the board meeting this morning, I saw Jonathan's top coat on the chair. The one that was Tom's top coat. I have seen Jonathan wear it at least a hundred times. For some reason, it made me have a deep longing to just be held by my guy. I just wanted to curl up with a tweed, wool top coat???? Go figure.

This afternoon, I just feel a low grade weepy. Crap. What a very long and exhausting path this journey is.........

Wandering and Wondering

Ratz, I am still having a difficult time sleeping. My body has gotten into a pattern of wanting to stay up all night and sleep all day. I am trying my best to get out of it - but tough.

I am just about healed from the fall - still a little tender in the ribs - but should be able to start exercising soon.

The second year of bereavement is weird. I am not in the weeping, paralyzed place I was last year. I have definitely moved on = moved on where? What is this sleeplessness? I feel Tom very close to me most of the time. I look at his picture and know his body is gone. Yet, the world is still just off kilter somehow.

I am blessed to have so many people who care deeply about me. I am not lonely. Even though I do spend a good deal of time alone. I enjoy my solitude - my books, my music, a movie, cooking something good to eat. I went to the library on Saturday - have been saying I would do this for the past 6 six months - success. It was fun, got lots of good books. Baby steps.

Bonnie and I are starting on her fish project on Friday. She will get a whole fish - scan it, and bring it to me. I will poach it and filet it - leaving the entire skeleton with head. She will then scan the skeleton and make her art. We have been talking about this since June. Good art, good food. More baby steps.

Winter is a strange time - more indoors, cold, dark - a time of hibernation in preparation for rebirth.

I am just a seed under the soil - waiting to sprout in the light of spring. Now, if only I could sleep.

Sleepless

I have not been sleeping well for the past four nights. Sleep for an hour and then up. I have not a clue why this is happening. I finally decided to just get up and blog at 2 am. I don't have anything until 11 am so I can sleep in if need be.

At least my body is healing and I have been out of the house and working. Still won't be doing the 50 yard dash or the hurdles for awhile - but sweet relief.

Dendros is really busy - that's good, new clients - new work - interesting projects. I thought I had the right side of the duplex rented and then it fell through but I am showing it tomorrow night. I refuse to get agitated about it. It will happen as it is meant to - no stress.

I am committed to moving the Grief Support Project forward. Have decided to file for a 501(c)(3) and start the planning process. Just the thought of it ignites my soul. I have lunch with Ann and Hope on Friday and will discuss next steps with them - just here, trying to take this one dream and make it real.

A New Year Begins

Happy New Year. Here I am after over a week of recuperation - getting better. My ribs are healing nicely. My back is still very sore. Tomorrow I will be back in the world. I have not seen anyone since December 25th except the Emergency Room personnel and Bonnie came yesterday and brought food and other things I needed.

What an end to a crazy year. I am ready to get out of the house. Looking forward to the new year. Looking forward to continuing this journey.