Meeting the Woman I Have Become

I am meeting my new self and I like her.  She was birthed along the twisted widowed road.  She can love again - she can give her heart.  She can live in the moment and when she gets ahead of herself - most times, she can come back to that centered place inside.  She can fling fear aside and step forward.  She can be here in the moment.  She can forgive herself and others.   I embrace her - she is the old me and more.  

This is not about love affairs.  Oh, I do adore this blue-eyed guy and his arrival has been a gift.   He has given me hugs, laughter, kisses and companionship.   Is there a little part of me that suspects he might be here for many seasons?  Yes - however, today is just fine.  And if that is not to be - so be it. My happiness is not dependent upon one person.

I have written much about the personal transformation brought about by my widowed journey.  How amazing it is to meet the new woman I have become and feel the transformation deep in my bones and in my spirit.

The next doors are opening - oh yes, my dear blog readers -  I am here. I am whole.  Strong, capable, creative, resilient.  I am meeting my new self.  I embrace this transformed woman - she is worth it.  Oh Sister Moon - Great Spirit - thank you.

Laughter and Love

My life is abundant with blessings.  My work is bearing fruit.  My relationship with this blue-eyed guy is amazing.  There is laughter in my life.  There is love in my life.  There is companionship.   What a joy to do life's simple things and have a friend and lover to do them with - cooking a meal, raking the leaves, walking the dog, making the bed.  Simple everyday things that are so precious to share with someone else.

I have laughed more in the last three months than I have laughed in the previous five years - real laughter - the kind that makes your stomach hurt.  Real joy.  Real sharing.  Real caring.

This relationship is easy.  We have many, many shared values.  We both have walked the widowed road and know some very deep and dark truths.  We spend time together and time apart.  We laugh together and we have cried together.  There is respect.  There is affection - oh those kisses!  So one small step at a time - here on the other side of a very long road - my feet on a new path.   My heart filled with gratitude and with wonder at what is happening in my life.  Namaste.

Building Community

My very best friend for more than 40 years just moved from Jacksonville, Florida to St. Paul.  She and her husband have rented a really cool pad across the street from the Farmer's Market, 3 blocks from my office and 2.5 miles from my house. 

We met one another in the 1960's in San Francisco and then again in the mountains of New Mexico.  We have seen one another through so many things - births, deaths, and rebirth.  We have not lived close to one another since 1980 when we shared an apartment with our two boys - one then a teen and the other a toddler.   Here we are again - both boys all grown with children of their own.  It is a joy and a blessing that we will have this time together - this incredibly precious time. 

We are looking forward to long afternoons of soup making, bread baking, book reading, soul sharing.....you know, the things women sister-friends do so well.  Blessings abound.

Unconditional Love

Tom passed at 7:30 am on Sunday, November 14th.  Earlier that morning, I wrote in my journal - about gratitude, gratitude that we had our life and our love.  Tom was buried on Thursday, November 18th, they handed me the folded American flag sometime just after noon.    After midnight on his burial day,  and after countless drinks at his Irish Wake, which was filled with laughter, tears and lots of whiskey, I again wrote in my journal.  That night I wrote again about gratefulness - for our lives together - the precious celebration that we found and held fast to one another. 

This weekend I was standing outside with my sweetheart, who has walked his own widowed road, when I said that thing we widowed often say to one another - "the journey we didn't ask to take."  His immediate response, "oh yes, we knew when we married."  For a moment I was puzzled, thinking of strokes and cancer and care giving and standing helpless, standing witness to the end of the person you love so deeply.

We were standing shoulder to shoulder, hands clasped and he simply said, "of course, 'till death do us part."   The fulfillment of the vows - unconditional love - not a fairy tale - authentic love.

After nearly six years of widowhood - I am grateful to have this man burst into my life.  We both know that unconditional love - in all its messiness and all its humanness - is possible.

Breathing

Inhale
Exhale

Remind yourself
"Fear is a bio-chemical phenomenon"

Inhale
Exhale

Laugh
Laugh some more

Inhale
Exhale

Kiss
Kiss some more

Inhale
Inhale
Inhale

Step back
Remind yourself
"Fear is a bio-chemical phemonenon"

EXHALE
Step forward
Lead with your heart

Inhale
Exhale

Listen to the breathing next to you
In the dark

Reach over 
Engulfed in warmth

Inhale
Exhale

Remind yourself
"To hell with fear!"

Relax
Exhale

The Past is Approved - The Future is Open

Death is powerful. You do not know what it is like to live until you have experienced death first hand, up close and personal.  I may not be living in the past anymore but it still effects who I am today.

That is a quote from a widow I met on Facebook.   It is so true.   As the years have passed since Tom's death, I have often thought and wrote about this new life and how much it has changed since his passing.  If Tom walked in the door today - he would not recognize the house since it has been remodeled; he would not recognize the backyard since I put in the patio we were planning to add; what else would he not recognize?

The transformation after the death of your life partner profoundly smashes your world.  It shakes everything to its  core - you think, "death doesn't scare me, in fact it hurts so much death would feel better."  It makes you open your doors wide and welcome death in.  It brings you to your knees over and over again.  It shares its truths with you - life is short - those are not just words anymore.  

One thing I know after experiencing "death first hand, up close and personal" is that I can open my heart quite easily to those who need the hand, the heart, the silence, the support, the companionship during their own personal journey.  I also can more easily recognize those who are truly friends and those who are going through the motions.  I have no interest in sharing my heart or my life with those who are unable to give in return.

What else would Tom not recognize?  Would he recognize me?  The new me that has emerged from my personal fiery hell of grief and loss. Would he recognize this life I am living?

The answer is NO.  In the past:  that saddened me.  Today:  it doesn't matter.   There is only one thing I would trade from the lessons and transforming experiences of the grief journey and that is not going to happen.  I am not living in the past anymore - standing here in the present - continuing to live, grow, learn and love.  Thank you for being loving companions on my life's journey - Namaste.

Nine Nine Two Thousand Ten

Memories to cherish - the faces of family and friends as we pledged our vows to one another.  The vows we fulfilled - "in sickness and in health - til death do us part."  The laughter - the huge wheel of St. Andre Cheese with plump strawberries and fresh baked baguette.  The cake Lisa brought, "nonsense, you HAVE to have a cake" - a whirlwind confection of fresh strawberries and whipped cream.

The toasts - the fact that Lisa and Pat brought a video camera - the beautiful ivory roses in my bouquet, called Porcelana - and one long stemmed rose for each of my sister-friends.  The music - the love - the fulfillment of our deepest longing - to be a family.  And we were.

This morning, 15 years later - I hold those memories close for a few minutes and then release with open heart and gratitude.  Through years of sorrow are born new memories.  I believe there is much more to come.................

Nine Nine Ninety-Five

Yes, tomorrow would have been my 15th wedding anniversary.  Death takes so much and life gives so much in return.  Even with the difference in our ages we hoped to have 20 years of married life - that was not to be. 

I will always love my darling - my husband - my Tom and yet, the last few years I have stepped into a new life.  The life I live is filled with joy, with promise and with many blessings. 

Happy Anniversary my Angel - watch over me.  

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Yes - that is how my life feels right now - from my professional life to the deepest recesses of my personal journey.  Laughter is abundant in my world today.

I wrote in this blog that sorrow stripped me bare and left me by the side of the road - abandoned by all I held dear.  During those years of scalding tears; those years of deep longing for that which would never return, I wondered if the laughter had died with you know who.  At some point, in the journey, I picked up my scarred and scattered bones - gently held together the gaping, ragged edges of grief-hewn wounds and slowly began to grow new muscle, sinew and skin - the softest skin imaginable now covers an indomitable spirit and the will to live and grow and celebrate each day that is left.

I took my passion and turned it into work.  I hand-forged a new life for one - me.  Slowly I began to find enjoyment.  I embraced my cherished friends and family of choice.  I took care of family and honored my duty to my mother.  I counted myself blessed to do the work I am called to do.  And thus, a new life slowly emerged and I began to embrace each new day.

And yet, there remained an empty reservoir - hidden deep inside.  It is a deeply personal place that feels best when filled with laughter, kisses, hugs, passionate embrace and long slow times of talking, walking, and sitting in companionable silence.  A strong and gentle blue-eyed man - with an amazing laugh, a tender touch, and a passionate soul has arrived in my life.  It has been the reawakening of the woman I thought was lost. Not lost but standing here - the woman who was transformed in the fiery cauldron of grief.

Laughter abounds in my life.  Passion surrounds me.   All I can say is Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.

Learning, Laughing, Growing

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

- Rumi 

                                                                                                 

Life After Death

For the past 5 years I have walked the widowed road - often that road was littered with my own broken dreams and the scorched earth of a life forever changed against my will. 

I have spent hours upon days in solitude weeping for what was lost.  I have spent months and days attempting to make meaning from the journey - the journey none of us ask to take.  I struggled to come to terms with being married in my heart and soul to a man who now was dead - and even as I came to terms with it, my arms still ached to hold him and my spirit longed to have him by my side.   Yes, the scorched earth and rutted path of the grief journey is filled with pain and sorrow and just when you get your breath, here comes more pain and sorrow.

Slowly I emerged - transformed in a million ways - deeply scarred in places known only to me.  November 14 will be six years since my husband passed and I stand here this morning: whole, capable, resourceful, resilient, creative.   I will always have a hole in my heart - there always will be times that I long to hold Tom, "just one more time" - I suspect that will not change until the hour of my own death.  

Here I stand this morning, my feet firmly planted on my path, knowing that the grief journey is never totally over and yet - I have just been given an incredible gift - the gift of an amazing new person in my life. 

A man who has walked his own scorched earth path of the widowed road.  A man who is funny - passionate, creative, authentic and much more that I will discover in time.   Here we are, the two of us  finding life after death - today I know there is much more to come, how much, I do not know - so we just take it a step at a time in this moment - the only one we really have anyway.  I am filled with gratitude and with bursting with joy.  Namaste.

Alive and Loving It

Last night I was standing in the kitchen with my friend and said to him, "today I posted on my blog about you for the first time and I have a feeling it is going to make some widders I know very happy."  His reply, "there is only one widow I want to make happy."  I am speechless, breathless, pinching myself and trying to not let my fear get in the way.  The future is open, the adventure continues - I believe there is much more to come.....

"You can't wait for the storm to be over - you've got to learn to dance in the rain."

Amazement

A new person has come into my life - he is wonderful. He is widowed and ahead of me on the road - he is authentic, funny, smart and warm. I am blessed - I have a feeling that there is much more to come.

Summer Dwindling

I have been silent these past two weeks or so. It is really hot and humid here in Minnesota - more so than usual for this time of year. I have finally wrapped up my work in the homeless shelter while the work in the food bank is popping all over the place. Mother is struggling and I am trying to have a life in the midst of it all. :)

Can someone please, please tell me what happened to my ability to upload photographs on blogger. The icon to upload is gone from the toolbar at the "new post" screen. Is there some new place to find the upload button? I have photos to share and it is frustrating not to be able to do so.

It is supposed to cool down here in the next couple of days and I think we are all looking forward to the relief this weekend. I will do my best to create a longer post soon - there are some neat things happening in my life - I am reaching out to connect with new people in new ways....very exciting. More to come.....

Happy Blog Birthday

That's right - this morning I realized that June 21st was was the FIVE YEAR anniversary of starting this blog. Wow! I started it to pour out my grief and sorrow. I began writing here to prevent myself from going absolutely insane. I never dreamed it would take me to so many places and introduce me to people from all over the world. People who I have come to know and love so much. So Happy Birthday Blog and thank you to each of you for your friendship and support.