Saturday, August 28, 2010

Life After Death

For the past 5 years I have walked the widowed road - often that road was littered with my own broken dreams and the scorched earth of a life forever changed against my will. 

I have spent hours upon days in solitude weeping for what was lost.  I have spent months and days attempting to make meaning from the journey - the journey none of us ask to take.  I struggled to come to terms with being married in my heart and soul to a man who now was dead - and even as I came to terms with it, my arms still ached to hold him and my spirit longed to have him by my side.   Yes, the scorched earth and rutted path of the grief journey is filled with pain and sorrow and just when you get your breath, here comes more pain and sorrow.

Slowly I emerged - transformed in a million ways - deeply scarred in places known only to me.  November 14 will be six years since my husband passed and I stand here this morning: whole, capable, resourceful, resilient, creative.   I will always have a hole in my heart - there always will be times that I long to hold Tom, "just one more time" - I suspect that will not change until the hour of my own death.  

Here I stand this morning, my feet firmly planted on my path, knowing that the grief journey is never totally over and yet - I have just been given an incredible gift - the gift of an amazing new person in my life. 

A man who has walked his own scorched earth path of the widowed road.  A man who is funny - passionate, creative, authentic and much more that I will discover in time.   Here we are, the two of us  finding life after death - today I know there is much more to come, how much, I do not know - so we just take it a step at a time in this moment - the only one we really have anyway.  I am filled with gratitude and with bursting with joy.  Namaste.


  1. What a beautiful post. I have followed your blog for a long time and I am so happy for you.


  2. so very heartfelt. the imagery you've given is extraordinary. i pray for all the best for you and your new love. i am so happy for you.

  3. A name! Give us a name! ;-) And a picture!

    So very happy for you, my sister-friend.

  4. Your perspective is right on and you’ll grow even more in your new found joy.

    Suzanne McMillen-Fallon, Published Author (year-end 2010)’s Writings: Mommy, would you like a sandwich?

  5. Enjoy every minute of this new relationship. You totally deserve it and I'm thrilled for you.

  6. I'm catching up on your posts. Am sorry you're having to cope with your mother's apparent functional decline. My mother was legally blind from when she was in her fifties so she was better able to gradually cope with it as her vision decreased. Today they probably could have corrected it. I think necessary adjustments become more difficult when they occur in a person's much older years.

    Am delighted to hear you're enjoying a new relationship.

  7. Some tears fell from my eyes - both in sorrow and luck.
    My daugher said:

    "Papa, I've found a man, he is 4 years younger than me, but I want to have him as long as we both stay alive".

    She has learned from other womens experiences.
    Even from her first marriage -lasted 3/4 of a year: Her Husband suddenly "owned" her. And that is certainly not MY daughter.

    btw. I wish I could express myself in English the way you do.
    may be I can, but it will takes hours, more than I can spare for the time beeing - even for you. But it is only 10 1/2 months to we all meet again in St Paul. I'm looking forward to it as a child. Anna as well.

    Big hugs to the both of you
    T and A
    across the Pond

  8. I am so happy for you Suzann. Some people never experience the elation and joy of truly loving someone with all that you have....and being loved the same way in return; and here, you may have found it so deserve every moment. ~Joy xo

  9. That is so wonderful - congrats to you and V

  10. suzann, this declaration of your intentions and your open heart is such a pleasure to read. there is so much joy in choosing life and love. i am sending you love and all my good wishes that each day opens to more joy and discovery with this new man who is now sharing part of your journey. huggssss!