Saturday, July 08, 2006
It was 2:30 am last Monday and I had not been to sleep. For much of the night, I read and reflected on the two weeks surrounding my birthday.
I had been walking around the house in the dark thinking about the nearly 20 months of my grief journey. In the midst of my wandering, all of a sudden it hit me -- "I am tired of being sad and I am tired of crying."
I certainly have experienced that thought before - but NEVER with that intensity. As I paced around looking out the window at the night sky, it was as if a huge weight lifted from my shoulders - I felt light - I felt free - I felt clean.
I have made a transition to a new part of the grief journey. When I look at Tom's picture it is as if he is saying, "go baby, what took you so long." This is not to say that I will never have a sad thought about Tom's death again; it doesn't mean I do not miss him; it doesn't mean I still don't have a hole or two to fall into; and it certainly doesn't mean that I will never shed another tear. It means that I am beginning to put the pieces of my new life together - to honor the past and build the future.