So Go

Here I am on the other side of "something" - not dust your hands off and say, "that's done." Different than the last 13 months. Healing? Moving On? All of the preceeding. It is staying in place and moving on.

I am energized - I am connected - I am doing my life, my newly reconstituted life. I still get shot through the heart without warning. I am no longer mortally wounded when the arrows hit the mark.

I am renewed - in the same skin, with modifications. I know, not in theory, not in late night conversation, not in wondering and not in fear. A glimpse of the universe - an acceptance of the inevitable. The power of spirit. The wonder of connection with another soul.

Here on the planet - less judgmental, on myself and others. Filled with gratitude.

Turkey in the Snow

Snow. The turkey dinner was tasty - new life - next steps - kick myself in the butt.

I close on the new duplex on December 15th. Next steps. I am so happy just being alone here in the house. Not lonely - just solitude.

I know that the next part of this life is right in front of my face. Go.

The Beat Goes On

One cycle is complete. Yesterday, one year since Tom's funeral and burial. Steps forward, steps back. Always forward momentum. Resiliency is a primary quality that I value in myself. I am resilient - I am resourceful - I am here on the planet - Life is no longer pointless.

Ann was so right when she told me that in the second year one will have new memories to replace the old. Last year at Thanksgiving I was consumed by thoughts of 2003 - this year I remember that Susan and I had the "Tom Murray Memorial Steak Dinner" for Thanksgiving. This year, I am cooking traditional for Jonathan, Jennifer, Aidan, Sebastian, and Bonnie.

Life is circular. Joy, sadness, love, loss, beginnings, endings, tears, laughter. My heart, my life, my being is enriched by Tom's love and life. Reconstructing one's life is a challenge - a never ending process. The Beat Goes On.

Life is Mysterious

An email sent today:

Today is an important day to mark the legacy of Tom Murray - our husband, father, step-father, grandfather and friend to many. In this sacred space today, I am filled with memories of him - his love, his strength, his impatience, his laugh, his pride in each of you. His love for his grandchildren. His hopes for a future that was much different than was planned and his courage in the face of adversity. His humanity.

When Tom and I married, we brought all our experiences and our children to this new union. We had a friendship, a courtship, and time to learn about and from one another before we made the life commitment. After our first year of marriage - we knew - we committed to forge a family that contained all our children.

A month ago, someone who knew Tom well said, "You know, Tom was much more than he seemed." So true. He was innately humble and patient with others; even in the midst of his own impatience with life's twists and turns. I hope that each of you have found those things, from his life, that have meaning for you - those elements that were the bedrock of his character, his values and his life.

Today, I send my love to each of you: David, Paul, Cathy, Christina, Mark, Esther, Brad, Mari, Olivia, Evan, Justin and Emily. I am enriched by my life with Tom - my soulmate, the love of my life - your father, step-father, grandfather and friend. My heart to yours -

Thomas William Murray
April 23, 1935-November 14, 2004
Our Strength - Our Guide

Scars

One year. My heart to yours.

Scars

Grieving is an art

like surgery or verse,

essentially the art of healing

loss or losses unaccounted for.

Losses cut the soul

in twos and threes,

in wide green gash

like the wound of

a tree cut down

suddenly.

So much more time

than expected

so slowly heals

the severed pieces

of the self shock-shattered

by guilt and rage

and the simple loneliness

of something missing,

the hug, the casual telephone talk,

the good occasional fight lost forever

to the harsh nonphysical world of death.

Grief lived faithfully heals itself

in time not fully.

Where once an open wound burned

unbearably

now a thin, transparent scar.

Still I know that till

the hour of my own death

the scar glows

and now and then bad weather

will come and waken the same old ache.

A scar is a now and then throb

that dies only with one’s own death.

- Alla Renee Bozarth

In love and your memory forever - Tom, my soul mate, my husband, the love of my life.

A Sacred Time

one minute at a time for twenty-four hours. One year ago yesterday: we woke at 7 am one year ago - you had moved upstairs to sleep in the den because you had a bad cold - "my nose is like a faucet." You in your glen plaid jammies - the same jammies that were lying in tatters on the floor of the Emergency Room 10 hours later.

I went to see Dr. Cathey at 3 - I called on my way home - no answer. I went to Target to fill the prescription. I called from Target - no answer. I called on the way home - 3/4 mile - no answer. I turned into the drive and the house was dark - it was 5 pm.

Now it is one year and one day later. Tonight 10 of your friends and I gathered in our home to eat, talk, laugh, and remember you and our life with them.

This is a sacred time - a time to remember - a time to honor you. My darling Tom.

Remembering

One year ago today you were still on the planet and we had no idea what was just ahead for us. This has been a confusing few days - remembering, remembering, remembering. Remembering that you went to the eye doctor November 10, 2004 and found out that the surgeries had been succesful. Remembering that we came home and it was just a "normal" day - the last "normal" day we would ever have together.

I remember that when I came to pick you up at the house, you walked out looking so handsome. You were dressed in black jeans, your black sweater, a turtle neck and your leather jacket. I told you how handsome you looked and gave you a big kiss. We both had colds and big smiles.

It is hard to believe that I have lived almost a year without you. It is hard to believe that you are gone - no hand holding, no kisses, no laughter.

Here I am in my little boat - tossed on the turbulent ocean of grief and loss. Sometimes I paddle, sometimes I float, and sometimes I just hold on to the sides with my heart throbbing and tears running down my face.

The recurring theme this year has been one of gratitude - the undercurrent of it all - gratitude that I had you in my life.

Learning to be Whole Again

Optimistic - I feel optimism for the first time. A sense that the future is ahead and there is a newly forged life about to begin. As the first anniversary of your passing comes I am often ambushed with the deep longing for you. I want, I long, I wish, for you and for our life together. I cry in 10 minutes increments several times aday.

Now we come to this new place = the place that honors our life, the place that recognizes all we gave to one another, the place that is grateful for our love and the new place to which I am moving. A life - a new place and pace - a resolve to be here on the planet and take the next steps.

Life Moves On

We are now rushing towards the 12 month - one year - day of your death - see, I wrote it, said it. Since I last blogged I have finally traveled away from this home, this state = TWICE. I have been in Florida and in the pool with Joan and in Philadelphia with our children and grandchildren.

How I long for you, Tom. How I miss your tall body = your hearty laugh = your little butt = your broad shoulders = your loving arms = your objectivity = your physical loving presence in my life.

Olivia is an incredible young girl - I know how much you love her. At one point I was sitting on the deck and she came up to hug me and I said, "do you remember Grampa?" - she looked at me with this perfect look of "have you lost your mind?" and said - "of course."

Evan is really beautiful - I wish you could hold him and see him.

Oh my darling - life moves on but oh so slowly without you.

Golden Light

My Sweet Baby Darling - 10 months today since your body took its leave. The golden light that shined from your eyes at the moment your spirit took flight is always in my heart. This weekend on our wedding anniversary, I sent all my heart, my soul and my love to you. How can it be? I am healing, I am grateful for your love, for our life. Oh Tom, my life will NEVER be the same without you. Baby steps to a future I didn't plan for - baby steps to a future without your sweet smile, your loving arms, your strength and your unconditional love. I miss so many things - more than I can list - they are engraved upon my heart. My darling, my husband, my best friend -- my love flies out to you. To you Tom - my strength and my guide.

Connected in Sorrow

The horror of the devastatation on the Gulf coast and in New Orleans is astounding - loss of a magnitude that is beyond comprehension. Watching the television and crying - making a donation and feeling powerless to do more.

We sway through our lives - "being in control" Once again, the Universe says, "ha!" Choices we make - people trapped in the Superdome because it was the "end of the month" and they didn't have money left for gas OR their autos were such rattle traps that they couldn't trust them to take them out of harm's way.

We are all inextricably connected. Round and round and round in the circle game.

Lost in the Process

It has taken some time to get balanced after being so sick for so long. Not good to be isolated like that. It seemed to throw me back in time on the grief journey. Moving forward again. Making plans for the next steps - going to make some real estate investments, work with Mark Hulsey and try some diversifying.

Yesterday was a huge anxiety day - I do not know why. It was like in the winter but I kept at it. Accomplished quite a bit of client work and tried to distract myself from the whirlwind in the pit of my stomach. Last night it occurred to me that one of the things I had forgotten in the last two weeks in the midst of illness and isolation was my gratitude practice. Overwhelmed to the point that I misplaced daily reflection of all my blessings - and there are so many.

Getting lost in the process - what counts is finding one's self. I am grateful for:

- my home
- my work
- my friends
- my family
- my good mind
- my commitment to the future
- for life

Take nothing for granted. Tom rests in my heart and is my strength and my guide. I am strong, smart, funny, and moving into the future. Om Shanti

Still Here

Back on the planet.

Start Small

Sick for the last 11 days - finally went to see Dr. Cathey yesterday and have multiple respiratory infections. I got antibiotics and feel better already. Being sick and isolated brought on a downward spiral of grief and feeling sorry for myself. Missing Tom - being disconnected again - focused on "making things happen" - I should - fill in the blanks:

- Take 3 months off
- "Retire" and find a part-time job in a {{flower shop}}} (((book store}}}}
- Go be a program director
- Find a job doing direct service

Oh.

I called Tigger yesterday and we talked. She asked me, "who is the most important person in your life?" My answer, "Me." I am glad I can have that answer as it probably is the first time - ever - I can know that. Her answer, among others was, "Get out of your head and start living your life. You don't have to change everything to make a change - start small."

I have been withdrawn from life during these days - doing work in my home office - but basically alone. Some of Tigger's words were harsh - some from not really knowing me - but always with a truth. I have been weeping again - touching things in the house and asking Tom for guidance.

This afternoon, as I was propped up in bed - watching Oprah - it occurred to me that I can do anything {{{{just like I have been saying - "now is the first time in my life that I do not have ANYONE depending upon me"))))))) It is frightening - that is the results of this reflection. Isn't is so much easier to be guided by the needs of others? Not our own.

How wonderful that now I can really say that I am the most important person in my world - that means that I have a responsibility to me and the world around me. No one else to put things off on - no else to get in the way - no else to deflect my taking on a greater responsibility for my actions and my life.

New things to ponder. I have been thinking - couldn't I take $20K and invest it in myself instead of in retirement accounts. That thought has been about taking time "off." Why not use it to take time "on." What are my dreams - the foster care project, the grief support.

Yesterday Tigger said, "you don't have to change your daily life and your base to have these changes." Start small.

Claiming Your Power

The water heater is leaking from the bottom and there are towels all over the floor - soaking up the water - plumbers cost $36.50 each 15 minutes plus the $65 trip charge. They also lay in dirty water on their backs. And I have no idea how to fix a water heater. I bill $31.25 per 1/4 hour - it's just a trade for skills.

Joan left today - my heart flies out to her in her journey - Namaste.

The "itch" I feel is a longing for something that is out of my vision right now. I only know that I feel a strong pull to an unexperienced place, a new mountain or valley. A little cottage with a garden is as close as I can come in words.

I wish I could just lie down and cry again like before. It would feel so good to be powerless - a victim of life's random moment. Claiming my power is diffcult - yet necessary. Oh the weeping shadows on the wall.

I have the courage to see this through. I am carefully placing each new brick - building a foundation to last. Om Shanti.