Thursday, August 11, 2005

Start Small

Sick for the last 11 days - finally went to see Dr. Cathey yesterday and have multiple respiratory infections. I got antibiotics and feel better already. Being sick and isolated brought on a downward spiral of grief and feeling sorry for myself. Missing Tom - being disconnected again - focused on "making things happen" - I should - fill in the blanks:

- Take 3 months off
- "Retire" and find a part-time job in a {{flower shop}}} (((book store}}}}
- Go be a program director
- Find a job doing direct service

Oh.

I called Tigger yesterday and we talked. She asked me, "who is the most important person in your life?" My answer, "Me." I am glad I can have that answer as it probably is the first time - ever - I can know that. Her answer, among others was, "Get out of your head and start living your life. You don't have to change everything to make a change - start small."

I have been withdrawn from life during these days - doing work in my home office - but basically alone. Some of Tigger's words were harsh - some from not really knowing me - but always with a truth. I have been weeping again - touching things in the house and asking Tom for guidance.

This afternoon, as I was propped up in bed - watching Oprah - it occurred to me that I can do anything {{{{just like I have been saying - "now is the first time in my life that I do not have ANYONE depending upon me"))))))) It is frightening - that is the results of this reflection. Isn't is so much easier to be guided by the needs of others? Not our own.

How wonderful that now I can really say that I am the most important person in my world - that means that I have a responsibility to me and the world around me. No one else to put things off on - no else to get in the way - no else to deflect my taking on a greater responsibility for my actions and my life.

New things to ponder. I have been thinking - couldn't I take $20K and invest it in myself instead of in retirement accounts. That thought has been about taking time "off." Why not use it to take time "on." What are my dreams - the foster care project, the grief support.

Yesterday Tigger said, "you don't have to change your daily life and your base to have these changes." Start small.

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