Tuesday, September 16, 2008

and it comes again when you least expect it

So here I am today - driving and crying in the car. Grief - the gift that keeps on giving.

There are those moments when I miss my old life. I howl - turn back the clock - driving with tears running down my face.

Yes, I have forged a new life from loss - yes, I am externally focused and looking toward the future - instead of internally focused and longing for the past - but damn, I miss my husband. I miss unconditional love. I miss being with someone who loves me for my heart and spirit and being.

Just like before - it is the smallest things that one misses - holding hands, cooking early morning oatmeal for two, watching a sunset, sitting in silence - being together. So, just when you are moving along quite nicely - BAM, there you are crying in the car.

A comfort is that Tom did not live to see the mess that our country finds itself in - what chaos - what greed hath wrought.

So, here I am living in the moment.

7 comments:

  1. I can feel the depth of your loss and wish I had some magic words that could heal the pain, but unfortunately we're the only ones who can heal ourselves. I do hold good thoughts for you. And you have the courage.

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  2. i can only imagine the sadness you feel in these moments. i don't know how i would survive that loss. just imagining it causes me to lose a breath. you have no idea how much i admire the strength you have forged and the hard work you have done during these many, many months.

    i don't think you will ever stop missing tom. even when you have fully begun a new life inside a committed relationship with another partner, there will be times when you think of tom and miss him intensely. he will always be a part of you.

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  3. huggssss. i forgot to give them in the previous comment!

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  4. Sorry to hear you have been suffering again with what you cannot fix. It might be the season and the planet alignment as it has been a difficult time for many people and some are impacted more than others by full moons.

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  5. My dear,
    I do think I understand you. May be too well in the sense of talking directly face to face about our losses.
    And - when we do think we have passed the highest Mountain of loss and sorrow - ---
    Nobody ever will - when we talk about true love and parentship - ever forget - they are in our minds forever.

    Even in my blog today - building up for Anna's 3x20 - Ruben is mentioned.

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  6. As your life will ebb and flow...your tears will come and go...and I think you should expect it to always be sweetie. It's a good thing....it doesn't mean you're not progressing...

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  7. I so relate to this post … have been having difficulty myself of late … doing what I can to remind myself to B R E A T H E and go slowly. Take care …
    Hugs and blessings,

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