Tuesday, September 16, 2008

and it comes again when you least expect it

So here I am today - driving and crying in the car. Grief - the gift that keeps on giving.

There are those moments when I miss my old life. I howl - turn back the clock - driving with tears running down my face.

Yes, I have forged a new life from loss - yes, I am externally focused and looking toward the future - instead of internally focused and longing for the past - but damn, I miss my husband. I miss unconditional love. I miss being with someone who loves me for my heart and spirit and being.

Just like before - it is the smallest things that one misses - holding hands, cooking early morning oatmeal for two, watching a sunset, sitting in silence - being together. So, just when you are moving along quite nicely - BAM, there you are crying in the car.

A comfort is that Tom did not live to see the mess that our country finds itself in - what chaos - what greed hath wrought.

So, here I am living in the moment.


  1. I can feel the depth of your loss and wish I had some magic words that could heal the pain, but unfortunately we're the only ones who can heal ourselves. I do hold good thoughts for you. And you have the courage.

  2. i can only imagine the sadness you feel in these moments. i don't know how i would survive that loss. just imagining it causes me to lose a breath. you have no idea how much i admire the strength you have forged and the hard work you have done during these many, many months.

    i don't think you will ever stop missing tom. even when you have fully begun a new life inside a committed relationship with another partner, there will be times when you think of tom and miss him intensely. he will always be a part of you.

  3. huggssss. i forgot to give them in the previous comment!

  4. Sorry to hear you have been suffering again with what you cannot fix. It might be the season and the planet alignment as it has been a difficult time for many people and some are impacted more than others by full moons.

  5. My dear,
    I do think I understand you. May be too well in the sense of talking directly face to face about our losses.
    And - when we do think we have passed the highest Mountain of loss and sorrow - ---
    Nobody ever will - when we talk about true love and parentship - ever forget - they are in our minds forever.

    Even in my blog today - building up for Anna's 3x20 - Ruben is mentioned.

  6. As your life will ebb and flow...your tears will come and go...and I think you should expect it to always be sweetie. It's a good thing....it doesn't mean you're not progressing...

  7. I so relate to this post … have been having difficulty myself of late … doing what I can to remind myself to B R E A T H E and go slowly. Take care …
    Hugs and blessings,