It is 1825 days since you died. How can that be? Yes, I have walked, stumbled, staggered, whimpered, raged and wept through the agony of the first years of the grief journey to arrive here this morning. Yes, most days I now feel squared away - more balanced - more integrated about your leaving. Today, not so much.
I have been awake since 3 am. My heart is bruised - it is not a superficial wound. It is deep. It is lasting. To make it even more "interesting" - I have that inexorable tape loop running in my head today. You on the floor in the bedroom - the paramedics - the ER - the ICU.....and on and on it goes - until 4 days later - the unthinkable, I kiss your beloved feet after your spirit has passed from the body you no longer need.
The fiery cauldron of grief stripped me bare; burned me beyond recognition and shared its dark truths with me. One thousand eight hundred twenty-five days - I am transformed. Most days I appear perfectly normal - my newly grown skin, while tender to the touch, hides the scars inflicted by the blows suffered during the most intense parts of the grief journey. The pain now is different - it is very deep within - and balanced by the knowledge of what we were privileged to build and share. Unconditional love.
Today, I want to howl and scream and whimper all at once. I laid in bed and wept in the middle of the night and early this morning. My heart is broken and it will always be so. Oh yes, there is life after death and new life after widowhood. But life will never be the same without you.
Always in my heart - never far from mind.........