I'm grieving as fast as I can. Tonight I learned that my pain is affecting someone close to me. That is difficult to hear. I know I have made progress on the journey to a new life. I know that I am healthier. I know that I am no longer the "puddle" of tears that I once was. I know that I have flashes of joy - that I can feel a sense of contentment - however briefly - it is there. I know that there are spontaneous minutes.
Grief is tough work. It is not linear. It is not planful. It is not strategic. It is not tactical. It is being disconnected from your personal reality. It is not what anyone would willing choose.
It is overwhelming. It is crazy. It is a loss of your illusionary "control." It is personal. It is disconcerting. It is the pit you can unknowingly walk into at any moment without a second's notice.
I ask, "how long will it last?" The answer is, "as long as it takes." I am not a professional mourner. I will have a new life - I will respect and love and mourn my husband. I will feel my feelings. I will shed my tears. I will fear my fears. I will mourn the loss of my dreams.
I know my friend wants only to end my pain. So too do I wish that the pain would end. It will end in its own time - however, the loss will never be forgotten.
Yes, I am different. Different than Sunday, November 14, 2004 when my darling passed in my arms. Who wouldn't be? Who I am now, that's a work in progress.