ICE

I fell on the stairs on Monday night - crap. I am really hurting - my entire left side from my hip to my bottom rib. So here I am, ice and advil. I have been up all day today. Propped in my office chair with pillows and ice packs.

i made it through an entire year of mourning without an accident and now - POW. I will take it easy for a few days - healing rays of golden light.

LEAP

Sometimes you just have to leap and build your wings on the way down

Holidays

This is the first time Hanukkah has fallen on Christmas in 40 years. I am glad to light the candles this evening and fill the house with light. Chicken soup is on the stove. Menorah is on the window sill.

Here in my solitude - has been a couple of sad days - missing you know who. Last year I was just too numb to feel. This year, I am no longer numb and am grateful for the healing I have experienced.

Nearing the end of an incredible year. Looking forward not back.

Mother

My mother, heartbroken again at 79 - after surviving so many challenges.

She was a 20 and 30 something battered woman. Back in the day when there was no safe haven - stay and be beaten - leave and run for your life. She left - we left.

Years of work - then remarried - we were grown. A marriage forged in late mid-life - an unlikely pair but love. Then - POW - widowhood. Only widow/ers know the painful journey

Then they met, Russell- Mother. Both widowed. Another unlikely pair. Years of friendship - cards from him each month on their "anniversary." Three years of living together.

She went to get her hair done and when she returned, he was gone. Gone? Yes, gone. Returning now on the weekend to move his things. No explanation - no talk - no sorrys - no nothing.

She is heartbroken. Sixteen years. Betrayal at any age is devastating.

My picture

Suzann 

Pave Over Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot

Tonight, the longest night of the year. Candles everywhere. For the last twenty-four hours, I have been feeling like Sylvester the Cat after Yosemite Sam shoots him in the midsection with the big cannon. Just a perfect big hole in the middle = can you see daylight, can you see the trees that once were my life?

Crying while driving - not like last year. Intense feelings - in short stanzas.

Where do I fit in this parking lot? A rock? A car? A complacent parking attendant? An old piece of gum peeled off the bottom of your shoe? Maybe I am one of those parking guys that usher you in with a high powered beam = come on, keep movin! Perhaps I am the lucky penny = fallen from one's pocket.

I miss my husband, I miss the life we shared. I miss TOM'S HUMANITY. Your laugh. I miss your appetite for good food. I miss your kisses. I miss your hugs. I miss my tall husband. I miss you, Tom.

What is Paradise? Love? Literature? Dreams? Striving to understand the mysteries of life?

Just here. Making meaning from profound loss.

So Go

Here I am on the other side of "something" - not dust your hands off and say, "that's done." Different than the last 13 months. Healing? Moving On? All of the preceeding. It is staying in place and moving on.

I am energized - I am connected - I am doing my life, my newly reconstituted life. I still get shot through the heart without warning. I am no longer mortally wounded when the arrows hit the mark.

I am renewed - in the same skin, with modifications. I know, not in theory, not in late night conversation, not in wondering and not in fear. A glimpse of the universe - an acceptance of the inevitable. The power of spirit. The wonder of connection with another soul.

Here on the planet - less judgmental, on myself and others. Filled with gratitude.