After nearly two years, it is clear to me that this relationship is not the lasting thing I thought was being built. I can have a relationship, but on his terms and he seems stuck. Stuck in the death of his wife nearly 15 years ago? Stuck in his head? Stuck - just stuck. I have no idea what or where he is stuck - stuck he is.
I need more. I need someone who is capable of having a deep relationship. Someone who can move things to a new level over time. I need someone who is able to express their feelings and someone who is able to give of themselves from their heart and accept in equal measure.
I am very sad today. This doesn't have to end. I can still have this relationship as long as I have no expectations of next steps. As long as I can just enjoy the laughter and companionship and not want any more than that. As long as he never has to talk about his emotions or feelings. That is not me. The superficiality is making me crazy.
I know it is possible to have a deep and mutually rewarding relationship. I know that I have a lot to give. I want to be able to share myself with another person - deeply, personally and generously. And I want to have the same in return.
Or I can remain alone. I have a wonderful life filled with things that I value and am surrounded by friends and family of choice that care deeply about me and I about them.
I see him quite clearly - he is a lovely person with such a big heart. He is hurt inside and I cannot "make it better" - at this stage of my life I know you cannot "fix" another. Does he love me? Yes! Is love enough? Obviously not. He has finally said that he does not have anything to give someone else. It is not about me. It is about him.
My heart is hurting today - it is a beautiful sunny day and I am just curled up alone - reflecting - doing a bit of crying - releasing the hurt and thinking about what I want.
Life is short -------------------- those are not just words. I am strong. I am joyful. I am capable. I am resilient. I am creative. I am giving. I am generous of spirit. I am ready to take the next steps into the unknown. And yes, I am sad. So much potential - so much love - not meant to be right now.
"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"