After nearly two years, it is clear to me that this relationship is not the lasting thing I thought was being built. I can have a relationship, but on his terms and he seems stuck. Stuck in the death of his wife nearly 15 years ago? Stuck in his head? Stuck - just stuck. I have no idea what or where he is stuck - stuck he is.
I need more. I need someone who is capable of having a deep relationship. Someone who can move things to a new level over time. I need someone who is able to express their feelings and someone who is able to give of themselves from their heart and accept in equal measure.
I am very sad today. This doesn't have to end. I can still have this relationship as long as I have no expectations of next steps. As long as I can just enjoy the laughter and companionship and not want any more than that. As long as he never has to talk about his emotions or feelings. That is not me. The superficiality is making me crazy.
I know it is possible to have a deep and mutually rewarding relationship. I know that I have a lot to give. I want to be able to share myself with another person - deeply, personally and generously. And I want to have the same in return.
Or I can remain alone. I have a wonderful life filled with things that I value and am surrounded by friends and family of choice that care deeply about me and I about them.
I see him quite clearly - he is a lovely person with such a big heart. He is hurt inside and I cannot "make it better" - at this stage of my life I know you cannot "fix" another. Does he love me? Yes! Is love enough? Obviously not. He has finally said that he does not have anything to give someone else. It is not about me. It is about him.
My heart is hurting today - it is a beautiful sunny day and I am just curled up alone - reflecting - doing a bit of crying - releasing the hurt and thinking about what I want.
Life is short -------------------- those are not just words. I am strong. I am joyful. I am capable. I am resilient. I am creative. I am giving. I am generous of spirit. I am ready to take the next steps into the unknown. And yes, I am sad. So much potential - so much love - not meant to be right now.
"The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"
Hi Suzann, I read your hearfelt blog today about you being very sad. I am sorry to hear that and also very sorry that you were widowed. It takes a lot of guts to reveal your most personal emotions and feelings, especially on a public blog. I am glad you have friends and family to share your love and caring. It's too bad that your gentleman friend brings his former deceased wife of 15 years ago into your relationship. He needs to move forward in his life, honor and treasure the memory of his wife, and enter the present world of love with you. Tell him that! Life moves forward, alone. It's kind of one sided and you have to take the brunt of your loneliness. It's like being a substitute of his ghost wife. You have a lot of great interests to keep your heart and mind spiritually happy. I too, love reading, reggae and saw the movie Color Purple. But please don't feel that thinking of your self first is selfish. Take it from me. I spent and wasted 15 years of my youth in a Catholic marriage when I was young at age 21, thinking it was my duty as a Catholic wife. bull shit. He contributed nothing all those years, emotionally, financially and helping in the household, even though I worked part time. So I won't burden you with my past nonsense, but my point is Suzann,is that time and years pass very quickly and there is no time to hang around with a useless endeavor. I just flipped out on my 64th birthday this past May 7 and wondered where all those years went so quickly forward. Time proceeds very quickly. Now I live as the legal term identifies as "time is of the essence". My heartfelt thoughts to you are go outside, breath the fresh air, look at nature's beautiful flowers, read, read, read, especially spiritual books, etc. My thoughts will be with you in your future blog posts. Have a great day today, Suzann. Raise your face to the sky and smile and breathe!
ReplyDeleteKindest regards,
Nanette
Tucson, Arizona
Thank you Nanette - for visiting and for taking the time to leave your thoughts and your words of love and encouragement. I have known somewhere in my heart that this day was coming - I just needed to be sure I gave it the time to mature. He has been so worth it and he will remain a friend.
DeleteWe brought much laughter and happiness to one another in these past 22 months. I was a caregiver for 5 years before my husband passed and was widowed for 5+ years before he showed up in my life. I have learned much and had many wonderful experiences. This is the next step in "my one wild and precious life."
Much love to you.
I write romances-- sexy, inviting, fun, sometimes tortuous, but always romances; so I think about this topic more than some. Love is not enough. It never will be for a lasting relationship. It's pathos that brings people into the beginning of a relationship, but it takes more to go beyond. Demanding someone else meet our needs. Wanting what they cannot give. Hoping others will convince them or we can pressure them, it simply won't work and when it does, it's manipulative.
ReplyDeleteThere does not have to be a reason why a relationship cannot go forward. Nobody has to be to blame. We have to do what works for us and it's that simple.
Pathos starts it but ethos and logos come next. The two lovers have to be right for each other and they have to want the same thing. In the end, would we want someone any other way?
Maybe he can't let go of a prior love or maybe it's just he knows it's not right for a full commitment with anyone now, and he can't name the why. It doesn't matter because in the end, he's got to follow his gut instinct as do you. If a casual commitment isn't enough for you, then that's that. You aren't wrong and neither is he. It just doesn't work sometimes. C'est la vie!
You could hang on for fifteen or twenty years and suddenly he'd find some other woman, the one that his gut tells him it is right, and he'd be gone. I've heard the stories. In the meantime, you might have passed up the one it would have been right in all ways for you.
I hope the two of you can be friends, but pressuring someone won't fix this. Let him go hopefully with love. Remember that old saying-- release something (fully, not manipulatively) and if it's yours, it will return. I buy into that which means really letting go, not hoping some mystic something will fix it. Find other interests to build a new life assuming the old one will never return. It's what leads to joy after a period of grieving.
Rain - how wonderful to "see" you. Thanks for your wise words. Yes, he and I will be friends. We have many things in common and have shared lots of laughter and companionship. Recently someone reminded me that we can't have what's next when our hands are full of what is.
DeleteAs always I send my love across the miles to you.
*** sigh ***
ReplyDeleteThere must be something in the water, or maybe it's the solar eclipse. Three of my dear widow friends have found their new relationships on the rocks in the last few days, all for very similar reasons, all because Love really isn't enough.
Which of us ever thought we would say that in our teens or 20s? But we've lived and loved deeply; we understand so much more of ourselves and our internal universes. Even so, knowing that Love isn't enough does not make it any easier when you've reached the limit of what your relationship can hold.
Sending you my love, my strength, my wishes for a measure of peace to fill you this night ...
Suzann,
ReplyDeleteThis was also my experience when I dated a widower for over a year (the first relationship after Jim's death .... 2 years after). His wife had died 9 years earlier and I finally knew that I would never be first in his life. I couldn't compete with a dead wife .... not even with a dead husband! He, too, was stuck. And I realized that I wanted more. And I won't settle for less. I am now at what seems to be the end of my second relationship. Sigh.
But I've discovered that there are worse things than being single.
Hang in there!
Janine, sorry to hear that your relationship is having trouble too. I agree, single is OK too. Time will tell. Hugs flying out to you.
DeleteI am so sorry to read this and to know your heart is hurting again. I wish love wasn't sometimes complicated. Finding the right partner who shares the same desires for the future, whose dreams mesh comfortably with our own, whose comfort with emotional intimacy matches our own can be a real challenge. When it is right, we know it though - both parties. I know you are not surprised to find yourself here since you have visited this place with him several times as you mentioned in your post. That doesn't make it hurt less though. I hope you are really ready this time to move forward. Rain is right. Pushing or hoping for change is not going to work. Each of knows what is right for us - what feels right. It may simply be that this relationship, as lovely as it might be on so many levels, is just not the one that feels "right" to him for that deeper, life-long commitment that you have wanted. Or maybe he is content living his life just as he is and has no personal need or desire to delve into a deeper connection - period. He may not be stuck. This may be what he is most comfortable doing, and he is content with his life the way it is. What is right for one may not be right for the other. It really doesn't matter - in the end this is the reality, and this is all you have to work with. You have to be true to your needs like he has to be true to his. Maintaining a friendship is wonderful, but I think it would be impossible to do so with a clean slate if either party is not healed and truly ready to move forward without the romantic entanglement. When either party has that aspect lingering in the atmosphere, there is no honest and true friendship. Maybe in time a friendship is possible, but I hope you will be cautious for both your sakes about moving there too quickly. You both deserve an honest backdrop for a real friendship while having a free pathway to finding romance elsewhere. Our friends are always happy for us when we find romantic love that seems healthy and fulfilling. It is hard to imagine that kind of joy being possible between the 2 of you in the near future. I am sending you many good wishes for your broken heart to mend in the coming months and for you to sort through these feelings and set yourself on a path which opens the way for you to find exactly what you want and need. Even though this may feel hard, I am sure you know that your personal strength is going to get your through. Sending you much love and some gigantic hugs across these miles.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sky, it is difficult but not impossible. I have had my heart broken and have walked the widowed road. I will find my way through this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. One of my friends reminds me that we give up good to be open to great. Love you lots.
Deleteohhh, i love that....giving up good to be open to great! so true. x0x
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ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry for this disappointment. How I identify! My only relationship since my husband died in 2005 is with a similar man. Could it be there are few ‘good’ men able to love with abandon out here? I wonder if I ‘chose’ ( and God offered) a man who can love me in a rather broken yet sincere way for my first post widowhood relationship. While it’s certainly a pale imitation of the shared soul love I enjoyed with my late husband, it doesn‘t ask a lot of me. And this is OK. That bond of devotion and nourishment may come along with someone else. Maybe this relationship is a transitional one, teaching us both something. We’re resilient. Love always wins, and it doesn't have to fit my expectations. For now, I’m trying to catch the magnificence of each day in my net and feast on this.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your relationship has evolved differently than you had come to want for the two of you. Expectations sometimes go awry, leaving us with disappointment, sadness, pain, even frustration and anger. Perhaps, the basic wants and needs of intimacy for each of you are very different. This might be the lesson each of you are learning about one another, if either, or both of you hadn't realized this before. Some individuals, especially when older, may prefer such an intimacy limitation, or maybe the person has existed in this manner their entire adult life. Or, this may be what provides them the desired state of contentment that satisfies them and they simply don't want to experience that type relationship again for whatever their reasons. Wise that you recognize you cannot change them, unless they want to change and are willing to do so. Glad you seem able to withdraw to gather your thoughts. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
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