The Last Day

This year has been a difficult year. This year has been a year of growth. This year has been one that I am glad to not repeat but glad that I traversed its path.

I am here alone. Missing my husband more than I have for awhile. Looking to the future - not just the next new year. Looking at the horizon - what is ahead? It is so strange to look with a long view, since all we have is this moment in which we sit - the NOW. Yet, I am compelled to attempt that long view - what is ahead? What is my destiny?

When you lose your mate, one of the things that happens is your dreams, your hopes, the future you were building, die with that person. It takes so long to begin to regain the desire, let alone the ability, to think about the future in any coherent fashion.

When Tom first died, my mantra was, "just give me a postage stamp sized piece of ground on which to place my feet, so I can move forward." That was just enough to put one foot in front of the other and most days, it was impossible to stay in the present for very long.

Here today - what are my dreams? What do I want? Where am I going? What is my future? The one thing I know for sure, life is transitory - I could be gone in a flash. The other is - life is precious.

Tonight is a night for reflection, for reading, for talking with friends on the phone, cooking a few nice things to eat and a great bottle of California Chardonnay to open. I will be back to blog later. The most important thing at this moment - this NOW is

to tell each of you that visit here, thank you my friends - how you bring meaning to my life, how I value you - I send love and good wishes to you on this last day of the year. May next year hold all blessings and joy for you. Happy New Year.

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered: "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, "they are inseparable."

Kahlil Gibran

Remembering

Once we sit the vigil of our beloved's final day,

life is transformed in ways that only time will reveal.

Time knows what we will learn.

There is an emptiness that is never filled again

and yet

time graces us with wisdom beyond time

Here in the Napa Valley

Happy Christmas, Kwanza and the New Year to come. I have not been on line much since my arrival in California last Thursday. The weather has been stunning - warm, sunny, green, blooming flowers, blue skies all around.

I am thinking of all my blog sisters and brothers - I will be home late on Saturday, December 29th. I look forward to reading about your year-end reflections and to having an opportunity to post some of mine. Thinking of each of you.

Making Plans

I am getting ready to go to the California wine country to visit with my mother from December 20 to 29. It will be lovely to see my mom and to spend time with her. And then there is another reason.

It is sooooo cold here - our average December temperature is 30+ degrees - it has been 0 to 17 degrees here for days. Today it was 59 in Yountville!!!!! It looks like shorts and flip-flop weather in comparison.

My friend V is going to arrive on December 22 and spend time with us. He and I are going to stay one night in a french country inn and the rest of the time just hang out at my mother's house. It is a beautiful little town and my mom is very excited to welcome us.

What are your holiday plans?

Latkes are in my Future

I have been up since early this morning - cooking chicken soup and getting ready to have friends for a Hanukah supper this evening. We will light two menorahs and I will cook a bzillion latkes (potato pancakes) ------ mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The applesauce is cooked and last night I roasted big Comice pears in vanilla sugar and a dab of butter for dessert.

It is very cold outside this morning - it warm inside and the smells are heavenly. Happy Saturday.

Pictures from November 14th

In the week before the third anniversary of Tom's death, I layered the green plastic vase cones from the cemetery with many, many coats of gel medium, acrylic paint and painted different motifs on each one. I then put the "everlasting flowers" in green foam and placed them in the cones.

Here they are - it made me feel good to make and to leave them at graveside. November 14th was a bitterly cold, windy day at Fort Snelling and the flower arrangements felt warm and representative of my love for Tom.

Each anniversary mitigates the pain - each step along the path brings me to the next. Tom, forever in my heart - my life moves forward. Joy abides within.

Happy Hanukkah

In my yard this morning

We did not have a substantial snowfall last year until December 31 - it is definitely snowing here today. These pictures were taken at 10:30 this morning - it is 2:30 pm and it shows no sign of stopping.

A wonderful treat, the snow comes on a Saturday. No driving, no meetings. Just indoors - warm and cozy. Books, hot soup, music, solitude. Doesn't get much better than this right now.