Update Two

Just when you think everything is OK -- last Sunday, my weird symptoms returned. Sunday afternoon I went to the Emergency Room and they kept me for observation. I had another MRI on Sunday evening and it was conclusive that not only was I not having another incident, they no longer could see the mark from the earlier stroke.

On Monday, I had the heart test (TEE) to be sure I had no heart abnormality that could cause problems - that test came back totally negative. The neurologist told me that cardiologists generally find something wrong with everyone's heart and couldn't find anything wrong with mine.

Dr. H thinks that perhaps my anxiety got the best of me on Sunday - after all I know too much (first-hand) about what a stroke can do to a person in the long-term.

On Monday late afternoon I was released from the hospital and given a clean bill of health. I can return to working out and resume all my daily activities. I was given quite a bit of sedatives for all these tests and so I slept most of the day Tuesday. I also have taken some quiet time to reflect on everything that happened - it had a positive outcome and for that, I am very grateful. I am here now and ready to resume my life journey.

What a trip this has been - thank you for your messages, prayers and positive thoughts. I have been off my exercise and eating program for a week and am ready to jump back in.

I am totally grateful for my life, for the sunshine outside my window right now, for my friends that helped me during this past week, for my home, for the Spring that is happening under the melting snow, and that I can return = renewed and ready for the next steps on the journey.

Thank you so much for being my companions and my inspiration on the journey.

Update......

I just came back from Neurologist. They think I might have had a little stroke,  not a TIA, a stroke for god's sake - amazing.

The doc thought so too - he said that with my profile of healthy eating, lots of exercise, no clogged arteries (MRI looked at my carotid arteries and all the arteries in my neck going to brain), no heart problems, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol - that I am "the last in line" for a stroke. Go figure. The MRI showed a tiny "scar" on the left side of my thalamus - a tiny pinpoint that happened in the last 3-4 days.

 I am fine - the dizziness and tingly hand and foot have resolved themselves. My energy is coming back. Of course, after watching Tom have a stroke in front of me - after living nearly 5 years in stroke disability and recovery - it makes me sad and a bit nervous. The doc said to not worry - I am healthy and that it was an isolated incident. He will continue to see me and monitor things for a while. So strange - I am so healthy - no medications, no "conditions", not much illness to speak of.

Sure has made me reflect and take time to think - I didn't sleep much last night. I am going to take a nap now - it has been a really full couple of days. Life is mysterious. I love each of you very much - you are a treasure to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. xo

Well

For the past three days I have been feeling dizzy, a bit disoriented, and a little clumsy once in awhile. Yesterday I stayed home and slept all day. Today I went to the doctor.

I am not a person who is a big user of western medicine. I am very healthy. I take no prescription medications. I workout most days every week - weight training, pilates, and cardio. I eat healthy - lean protein, veggies, whole grains. I do NOT eat fast food, EVER. I do not smoke - five years now. By and large - I am healthy, active, vital.

It turns out that sometime in the last 2 to 3 days I had a very small stroke - OMG = my faithful readers know I have a history with stroke - that is what killed Tom. This was a tiny TIA but still - what a shock. I had an MRI today and a full cardio workup - I have no clogged arteries - I have nothing that needs surgery or other intervention. Tomorrow I go to the neurologist. The doctor wants me to take a full aspirin a day - instead of the two baby aspirin I usually take.

This has been a scary thing - but yet, the doc wanted to rule out brain tumor so I guess all is good. Life is precious - make sure you are living it the way you want. More to come........

Baby Steps

I have not updated the blog in a couple of weeks. It has been a time of patience, impatience, sadness, joy, reflection and waiting. The guy and I continue to see one another and enjoy each other's company. He is a wonderful man and I truly care about him as he also cares deeply about me. We will take baby steps and see where it leads.

I am strong and resilient in my approach to life and to the future. Sadness (as you know) is just a part of being alive - on balance I certainly have more joy than sadness these days and that is a blessing.

Knowing when to move forward and when to step back. Knowing when to continue and when to stop. Knowing - I pray for patience and also know that I have this "one wild and precious life" and I want certain things. I deserve to be with someone who adores me and will allow me to adore them. I deserve to have the passion and excitement of new love that matures and mellows with time - always with that spark. So here we are - baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into the future. For now, we are taking those steps holding hands......there is more to come.

After Changes Upon Changes

I do not know what lies just ahead. I have blogged that I believed the man who I have been sharing my life experiences with the past seven months was here in my life for awhile. It appears I was correct.

We care deeply for one another - we have fun and laugh incessantly. We have made some wonderful memories. We hold hands and hug and kiss a million times a day when we are together. We do the simple things of life that are so important and we have fun doing so. It appears that it all is about to be just that - wonderful memories.

Am I sad? Of course! Will I live? Absolutely. Once you have had your heart abruptly torn out, there is little that can happen to bring you down for long.

As I wrote in the beginning - I don't know what the next steps are between us. We will be friends - but if this moves forward in this manner then we will not see one another for a bit - I can't change channels that fast.

Yesterday, I stayed home and stayed in bed, reading, reflecting and yes, shedding a few tears. He and I talked on the phone several times. Today, he still sent me his early morning text - we talked at 5:30 am like we do everyday. Today - the sun is shining. I am up and ready to go to work. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps into my future. That is all any of us can do. Namaste.

Celebrate Life!!

Today is my 58 month anniversary of quitting cigarettes FOREVER!! I am so happy and so proud that I kicked the old demon nicotine squarely in the butt and out of my life.

I used the support website Quitnet (www.quitnet.com) - it worked! Here are my stats that came in my email today:

Your Quit Date is: Sunday, April 23, 2006 at 9:35:00 PM

Time Smoke-Free: 1766 days, 6 hours, 30 minutes and 7 seconds

Cigarettes NOT smoked: 26494

Lifetime Saved: 6 months, 22 days, 9 hours

Money Saved: $5,963.62

In this case, it is your money AND your life.

PS For those who are new to my blog - my quit date is also the birth date of my dear husband Tom - it was a gift to him and to myself to quit on that date.

Walking the Widow Road

The fiery widowed road is beyond the understanding of anyone who has not been forced to tread its path of pain and sorrow. In the early parts of the journey, there are days that death seems preferable to continuing to arise and face another morning.

Slowly oh so slowly - we heal - slowly oh so slowly - we create a new life. In my early widow years it was inconceivable that life could EVER be joyful again.

Slowly oh so slowly - we put one foot in front of the other on the devastating widowed road. There comes the day we first smile and immediately feel guilty - "he is dead", what is wrong with me?!

There are days we feel we can face life with some optimism and ten minutes later we fall into the deep, black hole of tears and hopelessness. Somehow, we manage to dig ourselves out of the ravages (over and over) to face another day.

One day at a time - one foot in front of the other - the beat goes on - somehow.

The journey brings many lessons, real lessons, not words - they have become the values that guide my life.

Love is all that matters.
We have nothing but this moment in which we stand
Material things are transitory at best
Take no person for granted
Never leave those you love in anger
A person can withstand more pain than one ever imagined
True friends stand with you - no matter what!
Kindness and time are the greatest gifts we can give


Now in my seventh year of widowhood (six years in November) I have found a companion. A man who has walked his own widowed road. Slowly oh so slowly we are developing a deep, deep care for one another. Slowly oh so slowly I am opening my heart to the possibilities. Slowly oh so slowly I am coming to the place that I can say from very deep in my heart and soul - how I feel. Stay tuned for more......

Juggling......

It has been way too long since I posted - way too long. I have been juggling a lot of things - new projects, catching up on professional reading, a huge fitness challenge that I embarked on about a month ago, time with friends (not as much a hermit as I have been the last few years) and busy with the things of daily living.

I have been working out at a really ferocious rate - increasing my exercise by at least 50%. For a bit my knees were really bothering me from doing so much high intensity interval cardio work on the treadmill. No more pain as now I have discovered the recumbent bike and it's much easier on these old knees. This week, in addition to 2 weight training sessions with Suzy and my cardio, I plan to do a Zumba class and a core training class, both at the YMCA.

I have much, much more to share with you. Some of my dear readers may remember that a few years ago I tried to start an initiative called, "The Grief Project" and I just couldn't do it then. I was too raw, too deep in my own bereavement. Now is the time.

The Grief Project is being initiated now. I will do a post this week with all the details. It is exciting and fulfilling a long held dream of mine. I will also blog soon about my fitness program and the challenge. It is an exciting mind, body and spirit endeavor.

Glad to be back at the blog = there is more to come.....

Choices

Blessings for the New Year

"Traveler, there is no road.

We make the road by walking."

Antonio Machado

Reflections

This has been a year of laughter, tears, service, heart, soul, friendship, delight, confusion, and many blessings.  This is the year that I can stand here whole again after six years of widowhood.  Healed?  No.  Done?  No.  Like I was Before?  Never!!  Transformed?  To my very core.

The photo is the tree I decorated for Christmas - it seems fitting to have this be the primary photo in this post as it signifies the green and growing nature of my life and spirit right now. 

What do I know?  I know that I am a strong and resilient soul who is loyal and steadfast to those values and people that are important to me.  I know that I like the person that has emerged from this grief journey.  I know that I am strong in the broken places.  I know that I can stand alone and create a beautiful life each day.  I know that I am a good and loving companion to the right man should he come along.  I know that I am grateful for the companionship of the man that is currently in my life - he needed a place to come for awhile and I needed to open my heart again and see how I have changed.

One of my intentions for 2010 was to "Practice Self-Compassion" - a difficult thing to do.  Most of us are so good at being compassionate towards others and suck at doing the same for ourselves.  I made strides forward this year.  Have I learned to do this now?   Nope - but I am getting better and better.  Treating myself well - forgiving myself - embracing my own humanity - celebrating my accomplishments - being a well-loved, self-contained woman, filled with gratitude for all that spirit has brought to my life - those are the things that I am learning and practicing and relearning and practicing and getting better and better at doing.   It has brought such balance to my life.   This photo is the mantra that I taped to my bathroom mirror this year - it has helped to moderate my "inner critic" voice - I sing it sometimes :-)  and it is true.  Here it is:  "WHOLE, CAPABLE,  RESOURCEFUL, CREATIVE, RESILIENT."

I am grateful for my work and can say with a whole heart that my work has made a lasting difference to many.  I am grateful for Jonathan, my dearest brother and business partner, we stand united in our deepest values while preparing ourselves for the uncertain future - remaining committed to doing this work together.  

I am blessed that my BFF and a day - Joan - who my long-time readers will recognize as "J" - has moved to Minnesota and now lives 2 miles from me.  A long-held dream for both of us.   The last time we lived this close was 1979-1980, when we shared an apartment in California with our two boys.   Many new things will come to fruition in 2011 for us both!! 

I have continued to keep my commitment to fitness by faithfully seeing my personal trainer, Suzy Levi, for functional fitness and Pilates training.   I am now in my third year of weekly sessions with Suzy and am stronger, have better balance, and know that exercise and movement are the keys to active aging and good health.  In addition to the physical fitness side of things - Suzy and I have developed a treasured relationship - fitness is about more than the physical side of things.

Another of my intentions this year was to "do push-ups at least five days a week" and for the most part I have done that  - I can now do a set of 50 push ups!!  - that 's right - FIFTY.   When I first began to see Suzy in 2007, one of things I wanted to do (but didn't think I could) was push ups.  She just smiled and said, "oh you will, that's just the beginning."  She was right about that.

"Supporting those in Grief and Life Transitions" has been an ongoing intention the past three years.  I have continued to be present to and part of the grief journey of many widowed who (unfortunately) have followed me on the widowed road.   This next year holds a renewal of "The Grief Project" - the dream I have held in my heart the past five years will finally become a reality.  Much more to come about this new endeavor of hope and love.

I met a man this year who has been a wonderful companion.  He also has walked his own widowed road and so we share a very deep understanding of loss and renewal.  We have laughed and loved, and done many simple everyday kinds of things together.  He is a simple yet complex man and while I feel deeply for him in my heart - I think this is a just for now and a blessed time for both of us.  We needed this and are enjoying it as the old year comes to a close a new year begins. 

This year has been busy = has been revelatory = has been fun and filled with good work and laughter.  There are some changes to come - that's life - there is so much to look forward to.

While I have not been very faithful in posting to this blog the last few months - doesn't mean it is not important to me.  It has brought some of the most wonderful people into my life.  I appreciate and love each of you.  I hope the new year holds all comfort, joy, blessings and love for each of you.  There is much more to come........................

Whoa - it's been too long ------

I have not posted since the day before Thanksgiving - much too long.  One reason:  I was on vacation for two weeks.  I did not "go away" for vacation - I stayed right here at home.  I nursed my cold, baked cookies, played with the animals (Miss Kitty the resident feline and Foxy the doggie visitor that I love).  I read books, cleaned a few closets, made a couple of gallons of chicken soup and celebrated Hanukkah. 

Just as I was healing from my cold, complete with chills, runny nose, cough and general malaise - the guy fell ill.  Ratz!  We have been taking it easy.  Lots of juice, soup, and naps.  Finally feeling better and hoping that this is the only cold we each have this year.   We can put that stuff behind us.  

Don't know if you have heard:  Minnesota is in the midst of a blizzard.  It is the largest snowfall I have experienced since I arrived in 1988.   Something like 1-2 inches snowfall per hour; tiny grains of snow that don't let up. 

We have had a wonderful day today.  The guy and I shoveled and walked and talked and shoveled and walked outside again in over the knee deep snow, came inside and drank hot coffee with Bailey's and then walked outside some more.  Both of us are hyperactive kids - that's for sure.  This photo is looking out my front door.  It has snowed for at least 5 additional hours since this was taken.

It began snowing on Friday night sometime after 11 pm.  The amount of snow is astounding - I think we are at 16 plus inches and it is still snowing tonight (Saturday) at nearly 10 pm.   When you live in Minnesota - you get to live in winter - cold, snow, ice, real winter.  One amazing bonus you get once in a great while is this blizzard - a chance to have everything just stop.   The silence of winter, wrapped in white. 

Sorry that I have been so silent - I am ready to return to more regular posting - so many interesting things happening in my life.  After so much sorrow - after the after - I am blessed and filled with joy.  If you are in the path of this winter storm - stay home sta7 warm.  Light and love flows out.

Gratitude

II 

I am so incredibly grateful for all my blessings.  For the past 22 months I have worked as an interim leader in a battered women's shelter, a family homeless shelter and a food bank.  

 

The work is very sobering and also a blessing.  To be part of making a difference in the lives of others is a privilege.  That we have so many hungry, homeless, desperate women, men and children in this country is a scandal. 

As Thanksgiving approaches I can only fall to my knees in gratitude for my life.  I have food, shelter, personal safety, friends, family by blood and precious family of choice.  I have walked the widow road and stand here - whole, capable, resourceful, resilient and alive.  I have opened my heart again and have a new man friend that I respect and care for.  My life is filled with laughter and companionship.  

I have an amazing group of friends that I have never met but am connected at the heart right here on these blogs that we lovingly keep.  I am filled with gratitude for the support, the care and concern, the guidance and the love each of you have given to me over the last five years that I have written here.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Blessings abound.

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. 

I am not sure that you are of the same mind, but the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. 

This is the world of light and speech, and I
shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear. 

                                - George Eliot

Wordless