Life on this last day of 65

This is a precious time.  I have been able to spend a significant amount of solitary time this past week.  This picture so accurately depicts where I am right now.  It is time - time to move out of my comfort zone and reach for the stars ahead.

I changed my blog template this week - this is the third template in 6 years.  The first was dark - black with white type, reflecting my life and my pain.  The second, blue with clouds and the new one, a pale golden background with a flock of birds in flight,  reaching for the sky.  How fitting.

Just as the template is symbolic, so too the tag line, which I also changed this morning.  For the first few years the tag was "when you're going through hell - keep going".  For the past two years, "the adventure continues" - the new tagline "embrace the magic" is fitting for what is ahead.

I am unsure about  what is ahead yet I know it is wonderful.  I feel it deep in my bones - something amazing.  I am going to (not tiptoe)  begin to take leaps outside my comfort zone.  Starting now.  I reach for the magic. 

The birthday weekend continues - I am blessed and grateful for this life.  And for YOU.  You are MAGIC.

Update......

I just came back from Neurologist. They think I might have had a little stroke,  not a TIA, a stroke for god's sake - amazing.

The doc thought so too - he said that with my profile of healthy eating, lots of exercise, no clogged arteries (MRI looked at my carotid arteries and all the arteries in my neck going to brain), no heart problems, no high blood pressure, no high cholesterol - that I am "the last in line" for a stroke. Go figure. The MRI showed a tiny "scar" on the left side of my thalamus - a tiny pinpoint that happened in the last 3-4 days.

 I am fine - the dizziness and tingly hand and foot have resolved themselves. My energy is coming back. Of course, after watching Tom have a stroke in front of me - after living nearly 5 years in stroke disability and recovery - it makes me sad and a bit nervous. The doc said to not worry - I am healthy and that it was an isolated incident. He will continue to see me and monitor things for a while. So strange - I am so healthy - no medications, no "conditions", not much illness to speak of.

Sure has made me reflect and take time to think - I didn't sleep much last night. I am going to take a nap now - it has been a really full couple of days. Life is mysterious. I love each of you very much - you are a treasure to me. Thank you for your words of encouragement and support. xo

Well

For the past three days I have been feeling dizzy, a bit disoriented, and a little clumsy once in awhile. Yesterday I stayed home and slept all day. Today I went to the doctor.

I am not a person who is a big user of western medicine. I am very healthy. I take no prescription medications. I workout most days every week - weight training, pilates, and cardio. I eat healthy - lean protein, veggies, whole grains. I do NOT eat fast food, EVER. I do not smoke - five years now. By and large - I am healthy, active, vital.

It turns out that sometime in the last 2 to 3 days I had a very small stroke - OMG = my faithful readers know I have a history with stroke - that is what killed Tom. This was a tiny TIA but still - what a shock. I had an MRI today and a full cardio workup - I have no clogged arteries - I have nothing that needs surgery or other intervention. Tomorrow I go to the neurologist. The doctor wants me to take a full aspirin a day - instead of the two baby aspirin I usually take.

This has been a scary thing - but yet, the doc wanted to rule out brain tumor so I guess all is good. Life is precious - make sure you are living it the way you want. More to come........

Reflections

Our weather is so amazing in Minnesota right now.  This is the first March in over 100 years with NO snow - that's right, no snow.  March is generally our second snowiest month - what a joy.

The loss of my friend Amy has really given me pause.  Back to the old question - what would you do if you knew you were going to die in 10 months?

There is part of me that says, "exactly what I am doing!"  There is another part that honestly doesn't know.  I am grateful that many years ago I had the courage to give up my "paycheck job."  I do love my work, my business partner, our networks and all we have built together.

For example, several years ago we put together our vision of what we intended to accomplish.  We did it in the form of a Mind Map, which is a graphic, intuitive way of planning, visioning, tasking, thinking, etc.  Today, we realized that in 7 years we have achieved most of our dreams and intentions.  Today, we agreed it is time to do a new Mind Map - a new vision.  Reaching for the future to make a difference in our world - that is a blessing.

Then I can't help but think about not working so hard and spending more time on a different kind of creative pursuit - write a book for instance.  Or, how about just waking up in the morning and not think about anything other than reading a book, taking a walk, going to the library, traveling to reconnect with friends, breaking out my art materials, volunteering as much as I want - going to the gym during the day.

I am not someone that has dreamed of "retiring" - once I took the leap from the paycheck to the entrepreneurial side of things I never looked back.  And one nice thing about our business - we are constantly looking to be relevant to community needs and are flexible never static.

On a happy note, I have been able to work in the yard the last couple of nights - raking and cleaning and looking forward to planting those pansies this weekend.  I broke out all the deck furniture and have a plan in mind to change the backyard for the outdoor dining table and chairs.  As those of us who have suffered great loss know, life goes on - life goes on.

Om Shanti.

Tuesday Morning

It has been an entire week since I have posted - indicative of the times I guess. Last weekend was full of errands, cleaning, reading and spending a rare day at the Mall of America with a my sister-friend and neighbor V, doing girlfriend things.

This week so far has been work-busy. Doing inspiring work with very interesting and very diverse clients. My energy level is high - I am sleeping really well, better than at any time since Tom died.

Yesterday, I successfully completed a new facilitation project that was rife with conflict, unresolved issues and negative group dynamics - really the first time I have stepped out to do such a complex facilitation alone since I was widowed.

Widowhood steals so many things - self confidence is one of them. Those who have been widowed know this oh so well.

Slowly, rebuilding brick by stone by day by night by moment by hour by days by years. We do heal - we do begin to live a transformed life.