Humbled

My life has been a bit difficult recently as I have been suffering almost daily migraines - not always the headache but certainly the aura.  After a couple of months, your brain gets weary.  

I rarely have had any uncontrolled migraine episodes as I am able to control them using bio-feedback.  I had one uncontollable episode in 1994 and one in 2011, in both instances a month on a beta-blocker and I was good to go.  I am now beginning the third month and yes, my poor brain is tired.

And yet, I am so blessed.   During this time, I have forgotten to pause and think about how grateful I am for so many things in my life.  One huge gratitude:  I had a Cranial MRI a week ago (the neuro doc just wanted a look to be sure) and it was "normal".  That's a thing of beauty and something to be very thankful for -- headache, yes - strange things growing in brain, no! 

I am grateful for my business partner, J, who after almost ten years is my family.  Our values, our approach to work and life, our dreams for the future mesh so well.  He is a joy and blessing to my life.

My circle of friends who I adore and who love me in return are so dear to me, thank you for unconditional love.  My sister, Joan and the fact that we now live in the same city, only three blocks apart.

My home.  My little townhouse with the big backyard, the vegetable gardens, the patio and deck for relaxing in the sun or eating an alfresco meal and the 100+ year old cottonwood tree that stands sentinel over all.  How fortunate I am to live here - 18 years, the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life.

I am thankful for my little cat, Miss Kitty, purring right beside me as I write this - I love her. 

The Grief Project, I am so grateful to be able to be a part of something that holds out the hand of hope and companionship to those who walk the difficult Widowed Road. 

I have never really had health problems - a year or so ago the doctor thought I had a mild stroke, it turned out to be the migraine stuff not a stroke (I am grateful for that).   I had surgery in 1995 but that was over in a heartbeat.  Even with all the things that are going on now, I am fortunate to be as healthy and strong as I am.  I am grateful for my health and for this physical body that has carried me and continues to carry me these many miles. 

I am a blessed woman and I am humbled at how much love I have in my life.  Remembering today to express my gratitude makes me ever more grateful for life. 

Sacred Journey

I have not blogged much at all about the project that is so dear to my heart.  The Grief Project (www.griefproject.org) is a peer support organization that provides companionship, hope, healing and support to women and men who have suffered the loss of their life partner.

This weekend is our (second annual) widowed retreat.  I am so very excited - I began to dream the grief project in 2005 - and here we are.  This year the retreat has 3 times the participants of last year.  Rooted in participation and reaching out to those who in need - we are here to stand witness, to be a companion, to be there for those who are taking that devastating journey of loss and transformation.

So, my car is packed - the workshop presenters are ready - we have lots of gifts and surprises.  The gift in the grief project is my consulting group (*and the generosity and support of my business partner) funds the organization - that means the entire weekend costs $200.  We also hold one-day Gatherings several times a year - they are free.  My heart is so happy that we can welcome those in need and by that I mean heart and soul need without thought to money.   Of course, we are growing and so my next job is to begin to raise funds to make TGP sustainable over the long haul.

No mind for the future right now -- we are off to laugh, hug, cry, learn, be, eat, and be happy to be in a big group that 'gets it"  -  Yay!!!!!

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

The VOICE

This year is about LIVING.  Not making excuses, not waiting until I (lose the 10 pounds); (finish the really tough client); (get a better night's sleep) --- OMG, fill in the blank.  One of my major intentions for 2010 is to practice self-compassion.

When I wrote that Intention it was about being nicer to myself.  It was about treating myself with the same kindness and support that I offer to others.  It turns out, it was about those things and more than I could have imagined.  In the beginning of the fifth month of this year here are some of the things I am learning and putting into practice as a result of this intention.

I am learning to silence THE VOICE.  You know the voice - the one we all have inside.  The Voice that is always ready with a critical word or a judgment.  The Voice that revels in living in yesterday or tomorrow.  The Voice that blocks living in the present.  The present moment - the only one we have. 

Treating myself with dignity and respect - consciously, deliberately and consistently is transforming.  This is not magic transformation - this is baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - the changes that stick.

Here is an example:  I gained some weight over the winter.  That's not unusual.  When that happens, I am really, really good at losing it - once I put my mind into it and do it - it gets done. (I am also good at using food to soothe myself when I am upset, bored, frustrated, sad - which of course causes a cycle of gain/lose the same pounds over and over)  I do NOT want to continue that behavior and that cycle.  This time, I do not want to go on a diet.  It is a losing proposition in more ways than weight.  It keeps the cycle going.  Gain a few, lose them, gain a few again, lose them - you know what I mean!  I am done!!! 

I am practicing living in the moment - making good food choices, staying active, continuing to build more muscle mass and finally getting it straight to stop the yo-yo right here, right now.   Living in the moment; being kind to myself; making conscious choices, forgiving myself when I make the inevitable mistake.   Loving and cherishing myself and my life whatever the scale says - it is clear that the VOICE keeps me locked in that cycle and that thinking.

I am learning that self-compassion is also about accountability - no excuses - it is the VOICE that keeps me trapped in old habits.  This exploration of eating and weight is only one small area in this new approach to living my life.  Self-compassion is about balance and acceptance not just words but the daily actions and conscious choices that that make up one's life.  This an exciting time of practice, patience, active learning, growing, gratitude, forgiveness, and transformation.  There is much more to come on this topic.  How does your VOICE hold you back?  How have you learned to listen to your authentic self not the VOICE? 

We are always getting ready to live, but never living.

     - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Year End Reflections

Yes, this is the time when many of us reflect on the year that is closing.  On balance it has been a year of learning and growing.  In my work life, it is my "shelter period" as I spent seven months as the Interim Executive Director of the battered women's shelter and now have begun a tenure as the Interim Exec at a family homeless shelter.  Very easy to count one's blessings when you are surrounded by so much need every single day. 

In my grief journey I have moved to a new seat in the auditorium.  I can honestly say that I have integrated so much of the intense pain and suffering - I am not whole - I will never be whole in that way I once was.  But I am here - standing on my feet - knowing that I am able to reach out to others and pay it forward.   Coming to the understanding that IT will NEVER be OVER is a huge milestone. 

As I write this tonight I am feeling a little blue - missing you know who and yet strangely content in the midst of my sadness. 

Each year, I set my Intentions for the year ahead.  I put those intentions on a huge flip chart paper and post it on my studio door where I see it many times every day.   I save those pages from year to year.  In 2005 (just two months after Tom died) the primary Intentions on my sheet were:

- Breathe
- Drink Water
- Get Sleep

My intentions for this year (2009) are:

What a difference.  For the most part I have incorporated those elements into my life this year.  Now, I am thinking about my 2010 Intentions.  That is my task for the next few days - I have written a draft - it is a work in progress.

2009 was a difficult year for so many in our country and around the world.  I hope the year ahead holds greater peace and prosperity.  Reflections............and holding those in pain close in my heart during this time of reflection and sadness.