Beautiful Day

......here in St. Paul - November 11 and all my windows are open. I finally had a good night's sleep after a week of being up and about at all hours - sleep the great restorer. Today the following memorial (with a picture) ran in the St. Paul Pioneer Press - I did not do a memorial last year - I really like it, this fills me with gratitude and happiness today.


Thomas William Murray
April 23, 1935 – November 14, 2004
Our Strength and Our Guide

Memories are Treasures
I will always be grateful for your love
My husband, my fly-boy, my soul mate, my friend

“No one cries very much unless something of real worth is lost. Tears are the jewels of remembrance – sad, but glistening with the beauty of the past.” – J. Peterson

Fall Into Winter

A cold, steely day today. I looked at condos on Cathedral Hill - that is a beautiful historic district in St. Paul. Our office is on Cathedral Hill. It never hurts to look. I am home and making split pea soup. I am here to snuggle in, talk to my friend V for a bit tonight and then watch movies.

Tomorrow a memorial will be in our newspaper for you know who. It is really beautiful. Tonight I am so grateful that I had my Tom - just filled with gratitude.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

The days of shock and awe.

Yesterday, I went to the eye doctor and then I voted. Those were two of the last things Tom and I did in the days before November 11, 2004 when I came home to find him on the floor. We voted in the Presidential election and went to see Dr. Scott.

The memories assail me - walking the road. Keep me close.

Wow

In the first 14 months of not smoking, I gained 14 pounds. At the end of June, I joined this workout gym, which is one mile from our office. I retained a personal trainer, who designed a weight lifting program for me.

For the past 4 months, I have been quite consistent in doing the full body weight training routine at least 3 days a week. Wednesday morning, I had an appointment with my trainer for a weigh-in and to measure my body fat percentage (sounds fun huh?).

To lose weight in the past, I would have just gone on a diet, restricted my food intake and lost pounds. I am really good at setting goals and meeting them.

I now have a new approach and a new understanding of fitness. It is not about just losing weight. It is about functional fitness - maintaining and building your muscle mass - while removing body fat. It does not matter what the scale says. I am getting smaller and the scale is slightly increasing or staying the same.

I am so happy to report that in 4 months, I have removed 1.25 pounds of body fat and GAINED 6.25 pounds of MUSCLE!!!!! Wow. This is a new framework with a common sense approach. This isn't "weight loss" as I have known it in the past or how we women have been told to go about it.

In the old weight loss paradigm, we go on a "diet" and the scale goes down - we lose both fat and muscle. In this new scenario, you work out, you eat good food at regular intervals and your build your long-term functional fitness - getting it right for good.

Pathways

On November 14th - the third anniversary of Tom's death - I will be facilitating a Board of Directors' special meeting in Minneapolis. The majority of board members are elected officials and that was the ONLY day they were available in the month of November.

Soooooo - my business partner and I will be there and do our work. Last year, I would not have been able to show up and do anything on November 14 - no matter the client.

The grief journey is a bit like being dropped into mental illness. At times you believe you will never survive; at times you do not want to do so.

Yet, through all the pain - you do survive. For a long time, you wait for "it" to be over. One day you realize, "it" will never be over. "It" becomes a missing piece; a hole in your life; a hole in your heart; a longing in your soul.

Gradually, you climb from the dark pit. You pull yourself from the dismal hole of sorrow and bereavement. Then there comes a day, the first flash of acceptance - you awake to realize that you have taken a giant step into the future. "I am alive." That first realization is stunning. And then you take another step forward.

After all, it is the living that have momentum. That have dreams. Hopes. A future.

Forever, I will miss my husband. This week, I have moments that bring me to my knees. This year, I acknowledge, "I am alive."

Blog Tag Lines

When I first started this blog, the tag line under the title was, "When You are Going through Hell - Keep Going." Sometime last year I changed it to, "Walking Through Grief and Loss One Step at a Time."

This morning, I changed it again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support and encouragement as I have walked this difficult path. You have each made a difference in my journey and my life. The journey continues.

AHHHHH Autumn

So much news - I saw the Soul Reader today!

It is clear and beautiful - perfect Fall days. Here are a few quick pictures taken at Indian Mounds Park. That is the Mississippi River below. I will do a longer post soon. Promise!

Lovely Weekend

Here in the burnished Autumn. I raked a ton of leaves this weekend. It was beautiful on Saturday and after a week of rain, it was a pleasure to work outside in the sun. There are still leaves on the trees and the colors are fabulous. I will try to take some pictures in the next couple of days.

Today was massage day - always rejuvenating for D to set up in the downstairs and work every kink out of me - really nice after all those hours of leaf duty. Tonight, feeling connected and flexible.

We are taking Qi Gong lessons in our office on Friday afternoons - it is very energizing. It is our Fall Workplace Wellness project. I have been trying to practice most every day. Check out the link to learn more. Relaxing and energizing at the same time. I highly recommend it.

Anniversary alerts: This TUESDAY is my EIGHTEEN MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF QUITTING SMOKING!!!!! Such an accomplishment. I am truly a non smoker.

November 14th is the third anniversary of Tom's passing. Life moves forward, and yet some things will never change. With gratitude and an enduring sense of contentment for all my blessings - I hope you have a terrific week ahead.

Friends and Family

What a lovely group of smilers - this pic was taken at the end of our party on Sunday.

My dearest friends (J and S) departed today. I am home alone - huuummmmmm - it is wonderful to have company. It is wonderful to have this space.

J and S saw Shellie, the soul reader, yesterday in separate sessions. Their experience with Shellie, awe inspiring.

I am blessed - I am filled with gratitude.

Hard to Keep Up Right Now

We are still very, very busy at work AND my bestest friend J and her husband (one of Tom's great friends) arrived Saturday for a visit. We had a very big party today - good food, great friends - I promise I will catch up soon. I hope you all had a good weekend.

One Last Picture for Now

More Outdoor Art

This park is right on the water with incredible views of mountains, islands, West Seattle - just amazing. The fountain has a statue of a child with outstretched arms facing the man. The water "uncovers" one or the the other during its water cycle - just lovely.

I came home feeling as though I had a real vacation - rested and relaxed.

The Beautiful Pacific Northwest

These pictures are of the Seattle Art Museum , Olympic Sculpture Park - what an amazing place. I have more pictures but could not upload, I will leave these here and do another post. Public art is such a gift.

Rainy Friday Morning

...here in the office, alone and quiet. I am working on a client concept paper, enjoying the creative spirit of the endeavor, when I had this small stab of missing you know who and my old life so very much.

Stronger For It

This came in my Daily Om email today -------

October 4, 2007

Mending A Broken Heart

Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words.

Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence. 

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us.

The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness. 

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal.

It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for.

Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.