Saturday, June 30, 2007

Better

.......here on Saturday night. Still sore but healing. Wow, what an ordeal. The good news is that they could pull the roots AND sink the screws in my upper jaw for the implants all in one procedure. The worst is over. The oral surgeon is really good - he even called my house at 9 pm on Thursday night to check on me.

It has been a quiet weekend of soup, carrot juice, kefir and some pain meds. I picked up the house, have been reading and watching some movies. Just taking it easy. It is a beautiful weekend and I am hoping to feel up to getting outside tomorrow. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Teeth - Ugh

I am having oral surgery tomorrow to remove the remains of a tooth and have two sites prepped for implants. It is an old bridge that went bad on the left side - so without the implants I will have a noticeable gap in my smile.

Yucky, I am such a chicken about the dentist. Just nothing but a scardy-cat.

I am going to be knocked out - or at least have some sort of "twilight sleep" for the 3 hour procedure. The procedure begins at 1:40 pm - our office manager is taking me and then will return to take me home. I am sure I will be woozy tomorrow night and not just from writing the check to pay for it. :)

I will let you know how it goes.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Dancing In the Kitchen

Missing you tonight - momentum. I love dancing in the kitchen. I miss that so much. Tom. My home - my day - my heart - my husband - my future - moving - forever in my heart.

Saturday night - V and I had a birthday party on the phone. We each made our appetizers/dinner, opened wine - had a BDay party. We talk and talk - so many things - the future = ahead.

Today


One of my personal traditions is to cut the horoscope from the newspaper on my birthday - I have been doing it for years. So today I went and looked at the horoscopes (online) from both local papers and they are:

TODAY'S BIRTHDAY (June 25).
You'll be singing a freedom song this year. No longer ruled by what you "should" be doing, you make offbeat decisions that are perfect for you and your abundant future. Working with an equal partner in July, you build something you'll be enjoying for years to come. November brings a poignant reunion. Virgo and Scorpio people adore you. Your lucky numbers are: 39, 40, 42, 15 and 22.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY for Monday, June 25, 2007:

You sparkle this year. Others note your unusual creativity, endurance and strength. Though known to be a touch moody at times, you will learn how to get past these somewhat difficult moments. Avoid spending too much time alone, and spruce up your life with activities and people you love. Be cautious with your finances, as money is your Achilles' heel. If you are single, a relationship certainly wings its way into your life. Look to midwinter for meeting new people. If you are attached, the two of you might spend many hours having serious talks. In a sense you are getting to know each other again. SCORPIO knows how to make you laugh.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - my lucky numbers - I am not a gambling woman but who knows.

My birthday gift to myself this year is a membership in a local gym. It is a fitness and nutrition center. It doesn't have classes, no pool, spa or sauna. It is new and has state of the art workout equipment and personal trainers. I have had 2 personal training sessions with A - she is a wonderful trainer - patient, pleasant and experienced. They work with all ages, their oldest client is 77.

This is my year to get strong - to put exercise in my life as a routine. I have a treadmill and elliptical trainer downstairs - I have an exercise ball, free weights, a step and lots of DVDs and VHS tapes. I can be really good at working out for a while and then just "fall off the wagon." Now, I am serious and I have support and assistance to be consistent. Last year I quit smoking (hooray for me) and this year is the "year to develop and maintain functional fitness."

I often forget (except for these birthday times) how old I am - I feel young and have so many things still to do and experience. The truth is, I am 61 today and taking care of this body is the most important thing I can do so that I can do all the other things ahead of me.

This has been an amazing year just past - It has been a year of transition and a year of rebuilding. The grief journey brings pain, heartbreak, learning, growing, maturity and understanding that surpasses anything to date.

I am here - I am alive - I am on my path. This is a new year of transformation.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Musings on the Last Day of 60

I am having a very quiet and reflective weekend. Last year, the house was full of my lifetime of women friends and celebration. This year, a calm and restful three days. No work tomorrow - just a day to myself. I just came home from the cemetery - a place I do not often go. This morning, it just seemed right. Flowers - the huge blue sky, and a bright sun overhead. I sang one of our favorite songs.......... m

My bestest sister friend, J just called. We are having a Happy Birthday glass of wine - on the phone!!!!! More to come later today. Cheers.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Approach of Another Birthday

A year of immense change. I have made no plans for this birthday. I am taking a long weekend away from work. I have cleared the decks and reserved time for solitude and reflection.

I will ---- Take a few outdoor walks. Go to the Gym. Write in my journal. Create at least one new page in my art journal. Go to Fort Snelling. Drink some nice wine. Just BE. There is definitely more to come.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Milestones


As I prepared to to post the following, I noticed that this is my 250th post. It is nearly two years since I began this blog, which was intended as a solitary pursuit to chronicle my grief journey. I never thought about connecting to a new and precious circle of friends. What an incredible community I have found here. Thank you.

Now here is what I intended to post this Sunday morning:

For millions of years, before you arrived here, the dream of your individuality was carefully prepared. You were sent to a shape of destiny in which you would be able to express the special gift you bring to the world. Sometimes this gift may involve suffering and pain that can neither be accounted for nor explained. Each one of us has something to do here that can be done by no one else. It is in the depths of your life that you will discover the invisible necessity that has brought you here. When you begin to decipher this, your gift and giftedness comes alive. Your heart quickens and the urgency of living rekindles your creativity.

-- John O'Donohue, Anam Cara

Have a wonderful day.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Summer on the Doorstep





The roses in the backyard are amazing. Summer is bursting all around us. The tub sitting next to the outdoor chair is full of herbs. I have been cutting basil, pineapple sage, and parsley for about 2 weeks - I can barely keep up with the basil. Time for a Caprese Salad.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Shedding One's Skin

Fran at Sacred Ordinary posted a wonderful entry today - it is about change and transition. It is about my life these days - preparing to shed my old skin. All feelings abound - wonder, pain, anticipation, confusion, patience, anxiety, enthusiasm - the pendulum swings - change is in the air. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps - rebuilding my life. My inside is becoming bigger than my outside. Living in Spirit.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

:::Grin:::

My friend V is at the airport. I am home now. What a lovely weekend. Good food, great wine, diverse conversation, shyness, laughter, more good food - more fantastic wine - kissing. Walks, the Mississippi River, the Farmers Market, sitting outside, music, connecting.

This morning we discussed how - since the time when we were very young - talking together was easy and enjoyable.

Large gaps of time between seeing one another has been the norm in our relationship. And yet, each time we see one another again, we just pick up the conversation. Effortlessly.

"And as I was saying......" twenty-five years later. So nice. What a lovely weekend.

Thanks V. :)

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Power Bird

Over at Pentha's blog I found this fun little diversion -

Your Power Bird is a Swan

You are a truly graceful and gorgeous creature.
You easily see beauty in yourself and others.
Intuitive and in touch, you can often guess what the future will bring.
And you're flexible enough to accept the changes that life has in store for you.

Saturday Morning

Glorious weather here in St. Paul. Last night we grilled Copper River Salmon and ate the first meal of the season on the patio. Now we are on our way to the Farmer's Market. What fun. Just fun.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

A Visitor

For the last few months I have been (first) texting and (second) talking on the phone with someone who was my first love. I have known this person since age 15. I have not seen him for 25 years. We connected again at the end of 2006, quite by accident.

Our conversations are interesting. We have talked about everything you can imagine and more. It has been fun.

We knew one anothers' Mothers. His is in a skilled nursing facility and has dementia. Of course, you know about my Mother. We have supported one another in this caregiving journey.

Over the past 3 months, we have had many, many 3-hour phone conversations. Even when we only intend to have a quick check-in call, we can end up talking until someone's phone battery begins to beep.

He lives in Seattle. He is arriving in St. Paul tomorrow night for a four day visit. Yep, arriving Wednesday evening = departing Sunday afternoon. He is staying in my home. He offered to get a hotel room but that seems silly as I have a lovely guest room with its own bath.

I have intense feelings. Some are about dishonoring my husband. But wait, my husband is dead and he has been dead for more than two and one half years. The ambivalent feelings have roiled around inside for months.

Yesterday, I decided that I am just going to relax and enjoy the weekend ahead. Life moves forward. I am alive.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

In My Yard These Days





I love my gardens and I love my yard. I am blessed - the beauty and power of nature.