Friday, August 19, 2005

Lost in the Process

It has taken some time to get balanced after being so sick for so long. Not good to be isolated like that. It seemed to throw me back in time on the grief journey. Moving forward again. Making plans for the next steps - going to make some real estate investments, work with Mark Hulsey and try some diversifying.

Yesterday was a huge anxiety day - I do not know why. It was like in the winter but I kept at it. Accomplished quite a bit of client work and tried to distract myself from the whirlwind in the pit of my stomach. Last night it occurred to me that one of the things I had forgotten in the last two weeks in the midst of illness and isolation was my gratitude practice. Overwhelmed to the point that I misplaced daily reflection of all my blessings - and there are so many.

Getting lost in the process - what counts is finding one's self. I am grateful for:

- my home
- my work
- my friends
- my family
- my good mind
- my commitment to the future
- for life

Take nothing for granted. Tom rests in my heart and is my strength and my guide. I am strong, smart, funny, and moving into the future. Om Shanti

Friday, August 12, 2005

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Start Small

Sick for the last 11 days - finally went to see Dr. Cathey yesterday and have multiple respiratory infections. I got antibiotics and feel better already. Being sick and isolated brought on a downward spiral of grief and feeling sorry for myself. Missing Tom - being disconnected again - focused on "making things happen" - I should - fill in the blanks:

- Take 3 months off
- "Retire" and find a part-time job in a {{flower shop}}} (((book store}}}}
- Go be a program director
- Find a job doing direct service

Oh.

I called Tigger yesterday and we talked. She asked me, "who is the most important person in your life?" My answer, "Me." I am glad I can have that answer as it probably is the first time - ever - I can know that. Her answer, among others was, "Get out of your head and start living your life. You don't have to change everything to make a change - start small."

I have been withdrawn from life during these days - doing work in my home office - but basically alone. Some of Tigger's words were harsh - some from not really knowing me - but always with a truth. I have been weeping again - touching things in the house and asking Tom for guidance.

This afternoon, as I was propped up in bed - watching Oprah - it occurred to me that I can do anything {{{{just like I have been saying - "now is the first time in my life that I do not have ANYONE depending upon me"))))))) It is frightening - that is the results of this reflection. Isn't is so much easier to be guided by the needs of others? Not our own.

How wonderful that now I can really say that I am the most important person in my world - that means that I have a responsibility to me and the world around me. No one else to put things off on - no else to get in the way - no else to deflect my taking on a greater responsibility for my actions and my life.

New things to ponder. I have been thinking - couldn't I take $20K and invest it in myself instead of in retirement accounts. That thought has been about taking time "off." Why not use it to take time "on." What are my dreams - the foster care project, the grief support.

Yesterday Tigger said, "you don't have to change your daily life and your base to have these changes." Start small.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Claiming Your Power

The water heater is leaking from the bottom and there are towels all over the floor - soaking up the water - plumbers cost $36.50 each 15 minutes plus the $65 trip charge. They also lay in dirty water on their backs. And I have no idea how to fix a water heater. I bill $31.25 per 1/4 hour - it's just a trade for skills.

Joan left today - my heart flies out to her in her journey - Namaste.

The "itch" I feel is a longing for something that is out of my vision right now. I only know that I feel a strong pull to an unexperienced place, a new mountain or valley. A little cottage with a garden is as close as I can come in words.

I wish I could just lie down and cry again like before. It would feel so good to be powerless - a victim of life's random moment. Claiming my power is diffcult - yet necessary. Oh the weeping shadows on the wall.

I have the courage to see this through. I am carefully placing each new brick - building a foundation to last. Om Shanti.